Stare long enough at the Abyss and the Abyss stares through you

My friend asked me today if I wanted to be told the going on's in the life of my ex-girlfriend...I told him that since I'm still very upset and hurt by the whole breakup, that telling me or not telling me won't really help or hurt the situation...I told him to use his judgement and if it is something he feels I should know, then tell me...otherwise, if its regarding her new relationships what good will come if I know...I don't need to put my head in the oven to know that it hurts and is totally unnecessary...I thought that this was the most mature way of handling this particular question and situation, but after a little while to think about it, I can't help but feel that something is wrong...

It has been over a week since the Toronto Dragon Boat Festival on Centre Island finished...my team, as usual, competed and performed with distinction and pride and we walked away with plaques and medals...she was there as well, being a member of the team...she's a big reason why we did well...although her presence made me feel like I was being coated in magma everytime I saw her, I felt then and still today, that its as much her team as mine and thusly was deserving of participating, if thats what she wanted...she did and thats why she was there...Yet here I was, celebrating a record year for both of my teams, and all I can think of is that I have no one to share in my joy...I had never felt so lonely in my life...everyone had someone to hug, someone to kiss, someone to make proud of...although I had my family and extended family there, I felt like such an empty husk...where was my loved one?...when I went back to the team tent there everyone was and so were their loved ones...where was my loved one?...packing up and leaving the island, saying goodbye and then running away back to her new life...I stared as she left me behind, walking away with others, laughing and enjoying her deserved new medal...why couldn't she have shared that with me?...why didn't she look at me with the same love and respect that I did as she left?...

Although 8 days have passed since the last time I saw her, I still feel that loneliness...its like a bone-chilling cold, that has seeped into the marrow of my bones...I shiver yet I'm not cold...I don't know how to explain it other then I feel dead inside...because I devoted so much of mental and physical being into my two teams, I was pleasantly distracted from my true feelings...but now that its over, the punishment I have put my mind, body and soul through is starting to catch up with me...I find myself daydreaming and having what I consider nightmares, but they are all the same dream...I envision myself waking up and finding out that my life for the past few months have been nothing put a horrible fiction...Its gotten to the point that I try and sleep as much as I can so I can return back to that dream and feel like things are back to the way they were...I haven't told anyone this, but for the first time in my life, I understand the how those who commit suicide must feel...I feel like I'm surrounded in a plastic bubble and its slowly constricting, cutting me off from the restof the world...

I went to a Psychiatrist the other day, and after talking with this person for an hour she told me that I had some serious unresolved issues and that my desire to get back together with her is just my way of not being alone...to this I replied "No shit, doc" and left...$85 down the drain, just so she can tell me everything that I have already been told or already knew...

Lets get back to my original story...if you were asked whether or not you wanted know what was going on with your ex, would say yes or no?...the mature and responsible answer is yes, I would...I have never been either, so my answer is no...I feel nothing right now but frustration towards my loneliness, resentment towards her for making me feel this way, sadness because I was the cause of her breaking up with me and anger for feeling all of these things...

Stare long enough at the Abyss and the Abyss stares through you...right now, I don't know if I'm on the edge staring down or falling and looking up...

The End has begun!

The end has begun!

I find myself staring down the barrel of the gun...my Dragon Boat season will soon be over and then its wedding time...my cousin, my brother from a different mother, is finally wedding his beloved and I have been honored by being named his Best-Man...with this immense responsibility comes the added task of being happy during his happiest moment when all I feel is sadness and sorrow in my own life...Never would I ever dream of showing my true feelings in front of them, and I shall not do so...yet this does not change the fact that up to a few months ago, I thought that I would be sharing this special day with my own true love...

When this blessed day is over, my baby brother will be moving into his new home and like all good brothers, I will be there to help him move...this is his first big move into the world of adulthood and I would not miss that for the world...there is another thing about my brother's moving date that is important to me: its the last reason for me to stay here in Toronto...

Were it not for the wedding and my brother's move, I would have left Toronto right after the Island comptetition...But because of my duties, the soonest I can leave is in September...now, where am I going or what I'm going to do are all great questions and I have no answer for them...what I do know is that for the past few months, I've felt nothing but a hollow emptiness in my heart...I've tried to fill it with activities and work, but neither of them have adequately quenched my desire for change...

My cousin is going away to Japan for a year to teach English...her and I have very similar personalities and life experiences when it comes to family and friends...her reason for leaving is almost identical to the reason why I want to leave...so in many respects, she's the only one who really understands what I'm thinking...am I running away from my problems?...probably...but if I don't try this, I'm afraid that I will just spiral down and away and become someone I never wanted to be: useless...

I have a few options ahead of me...I can either take my new car and just drive away...pick a direction, pack up my bags and head out onto the open road...or, I can fly far away and try to survive on my own, work wherever I can and see if I have what it takes to be a man...Both options have its appeals, but there is one thing I must answer before I make my decision: am I doing this because I can't be around Silvia or am I doing this because I can't be around me?

I've always been a believer in facing down your fears...to stare the Dragon right in its eyes and say, "You will not stop me!...I will not back down for I will go straight through you"...

The End is near...I've always believed that my life was working towards me having a family, having lots of children and doing what I feel is the most important part of life: being a good family man...and for the most part, my partner in this journey was Silvia...but after she told me that I was no longer a partner to her but just a friend, my entire view on life changed like night and day...if this belief in my future life proved wrong, and I was so sure about it, what does this say about my life now...a big change turned me from a man who loved life and wanted nothing but a happy family with the woman I love to a man who can't even close his eyes for more then a few minutes without feeling a twinge of sadness and depression...I've lost my confidence...I've lost my sense of being...I've lost my ability to love...

The End has begun!