The End has begun!

The end has begun!

I find myself staring down the barrel of the gun...my Dragon Boat season will soon be over and then its wedding time...my cousin, my brother from a different mother, is finally wedding his beloved and I have been honored by being named his Best-Man...with this immense responsibility comes the added task of being happy during his happiest moment when all I feel is sadness and sorrow in my own life...Never would I ever dream of showing my true feelings in front of them, and I shall not do so...yet this does not change the fact that up to a few months ago, I thought that I would be sharing this special day with my own true love...

When this blessed day is over, my baby brother will be moving into his new home and like all good brothers, I will be there to help him move...this is his first big move into the world of adulthood and I would not miss that for the world...there is another thing about my brother's moving date that is important to me: its the last reason for me to stay here in Toronto...

Were it not for the wedding and my brother's move, I would have left Toronto right after the Island comptetition...But because of my duties, the soonest I can leave is in September...now, where am I going or what I'm going to do are all great questions and I have no answer for them...what I do know is that for the past few months, I've felt nothing but a hollow emptiness in my heart...I've tried to fill it with activities and work, but neither of them have adequately quenched my desire for change...

My cousin is going away to Japan for a year to teach English...her and I have very similar personalities and life experiences when it comes to family and friends...her reason for leaving is almost identical to the reason why I want to leave...so in many respects, she's the only one who really understands what I'm thinking...am I running away from my problems?...probably...but if I don't try this, I'm afraid that I will just spiral down and away and become someone I never wanted to be: useless...

I have a few options ahead of me...I can either take my new car and just drive away...pick a direction, pack up my bags and head out onto the open road...or, I can fly far away and try to survive on my own, work wherever I can and see if I have what it takes to be a man...Both options have its appeals, but there is one thing I must answer before I make my decision: am I doing this because I can't be around Silvia or am I doing this because I can't be around me?

I've always been a believer in facing down your fears...to stare the Dragon right in its eyes and say, "You will not stop me!...I will not back down for I will go straight through you"...

The End is near...I've always believed that my life was working towards me having a family, having lots of children and doing what I feel is the most important part of life: being a good family man...and for the most part, my partner in this journey was Silvia...but after she told me that I was no longer a partner to her but just a friend, my entire view on life changed like night and day...if this belief in my future life proved wrong, and I was so sure about it, what does this say about my life now...a big change turned me from a man who loved life and wanted nothing but a happy family with the woman I love to a man who can't even close his eyes for more then a few minutes without feeling a twinge of sadness and depression...I've lost my confidence...I've lost my sense of being...I've lost my ability to love...

The End has begun!