Monday, April 7, 2008
Monday, June 25, 2007
Stare long enough at the Abyss and the Abyss stares through you
My friend asked me today if I wanted to be told the going on's in the life of my ex-girlfriend...I told him that since I'm still very upset and hurt by the whole breakup, that telling me or not telling me won't really help or hurt the situation...I told him to use his judgement and if it is something he feels I should know, then tell me...otherwise, if its regarding her new relationships what good will come if I know...I don't need to put my head in the oven to know that it hurts and is totally unnecessary...I thought that this was the most mature way of handling this particular question and situation, but after a little while to think about it, I can't help but feel that something is wrong...
It has been over a week since the Toronto Dragon Boat Festival on Centre Island finished...my team, as usual, competed and performed with distinction and pride and we walked away with plaques and medals...she was there as well, being a member of the team...she's a big reason why we did well...although her presence made me feel like I was being coated in magma everytime I saw her, I felt then and still today, that its as much her team as mine and thusly was deserving of participating, if thats what she wanted...she did and thats why she was there...Yet here I was, celebrating a record year for both of my teams, and all I can think of is that I have no one to share in my joy...I had never felt so lonely in my life...everyone had someone to hug, someone to kiss, someone to make proud of...although I had my family and extended family there, I felt like such an empty husk...where was my loved one?...when I went back to the team tent there everyone was and so were their loved ones...where was my loved one?...packing up and leaving the island, saying goodbye and then running away back to her new life...I stared as she left me behind, walking away with others, laughing and enjoying her deserved new medal...why couldn't she have shared that with me?...why didn't she look at me with the same love and respect that I did as she left?...
Although 8 days have passed since the last time I saw her, I still feel that loneliness...its like a bone-chilling cold, that has seeped into the marrow of my bones...I shiver yet I'm not cold...I don't know how to explain it other then I feel dead inside...because I devoted so much of mental and physical being into my two teams, I was pleasantly distracted from my true feelings...but now that its over, the punishment I have put my mind, body and soul through is starting to catch up with me...I find myself daydreaming and having what I consider nightmares, but they are all the same dream...I envision myself waking up and finding out that my life for the past few months have been nothing put a horrible fiction...Its gotten to the point that I try and sleep as much as I can so I can return back to that dream and feel like things are back to the way they were...I haven't told anyone this, but for the first time in my life, I understand the how those who commit suicide must feel...I feel like I'm surrounded in a plastic bubble and its slowly constricting, cutting me off from the restof the world...
I went to a Psychiatrist the other day, and after talking with this person for an hour she told me that I had some serious unresolved issues and that my desire to get back together with her is just my way of not being alone...to this I replied "No shit, doc" and left...$85 down the drain, just so she can tell me everything that I have already been told or already knew...
Lets get back to my original story...if you were asked whether or not you wanted know what was going on with your ex, would say yes or no?...the mature and responsible answer is yes, I would...I have never been either, so my answer is no...I feel nothing right now but frustration towards my loneliness, resentment towards her for making me feel this way, sadness because I was the cause of her breaking up with me and anger for feeling all of these things...
Stare long enough at the Abyss and the Abyss stares through you...right now, I don't know if I'm on the edge staring down or falling and looking up...
It has been over a week since the Toronto Dragon Boat Festival on Centre Island finished...my team, as usual, competed and performed with distinction and pride and we walked away with plaques and medals...she was there as well, being a member of the team...she's a big reason why we did well...although her presence made me feel like I was being coated in magma everytime I saw her, I felt then and still today, that its as much her team as mine and thusly was deserving of participating, if thats what she wanted...she did and thats why she was there...Yet here I was, celebrating a record year for both of my teams, and all I can think of is that I have no one to share in my joy...I had never felt so lonely in my life...everyone had someone to hug, someone to kiss, someone to make proud of...although I had my family and extended family there, I felt like such an empty husk...where was my loved one?...when I went back to the team tent there everyone was and so were their loved ones...where was my loved one?...packing up and leaving the island, saying goodbye and then running away back to her new life...I stared as she left me behind, walking away with others, laughing and enjoying her deserved new medal...why couldn't she have shared that with me?...why didn't she look at me with the same love and respect that I did as she left?...
Although 8 days have passed since the last time I saw her, I still feel that loneliness...its like a bone-chilling cold, that has seeped into the marrow of my bones...I shiver yet I'm not cold...I don't know how to explain it other then I feel dead inside...because I devoted so much of mental and physical being into my two teams, I was pleasantly distracted from my true feelings...but now that its over, the punishment I have put my mind, body and soul through is starting to catch up with me...I find myself daydreaming and having what I consider nightmares, but they are all the same dream...I envision myself waking up and finding out that my life for the past few months have been nothing put a horrible fiction...Its gotten to the point that I try and sleep as much as I can so I can return back to that dream and feel like things are back to the way they were...I haven't told anyone this, but for the first time in my life, I understand the how those who commit suicide must feel...I feel like I'm surrounded in a plastic bubble and its slowly constricting, cutting me off from the restof the world...
I went to a Psychiatrist the other day, and after talking with this person for an hour she told me that I had some serious unresolved issues and that my desire to get back together with her is just my way of not being alone...to this I replied "No shit, doc" and left...$85 down the drain, just so she can tell me everything that I have already been told or already knew...
Lets get back to my original story...if you were asked whether or not you wanted know what was going on with your ex, would say yes or no?...the mature and responsible answer is yes, I would...I have never been either, so my answer is no...I feel nothing right now but frustration towards my loneliness, resentment towards her for making me feel this way, sadness because I was the cause of her breaking up with me and anger for feeling all of these things...
Stare long enough at the Abyss and the Abyss stares through you...right now, I don't know if I'm on the edge staring down or falling and looking up...
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
The End has begun!
The end has begun!
I find myself staring down the barrel of the gun...my Dragon Boat season will soon be over and then its wedding time...my cousin, my brother from a different mother, is finally wedding his beloved and I have been honored by being named his Best-Man...with this immense responsibility comes the added task of being happy during his happiest moment when all I feel is sadness and sorrow in my own life...Never would I ever dream of showing my true feelings in front of them, and I shall not do so...yet this does not change the fact that up to a few months ago, I thought that I would be sharing this special day with my own true love...
When this blessed day is over, my baby brother will be moving into his new home and like all good brothers, I will be there to help him move...this is his first big move into the world of adulthood and I would not miss that for the world...there is another thing about my brother's moving date that is important to me: its the last reason for me to stay here in Toronto...
Were it not for the wedding and my brother's move, I would have left Toronto right after the Island comptetition...But because of my duties, the soonest I can leave is in September...now, where am I going or what I'm going to do are all great questions and I have no answer for them...what I do know is that for the past few months, I've felt nothing but a hollow emptiness in my heart...I've tried to fill it with activities and work, but neither of them have adequately quenched my desire for change...
My cousin is going away to Japan for a year to teach English...her and I have very similar personalities and life experiences when it comes to family and friends...her reason for leaving is almost identical to the reason why I want to leave...so in many respects, she's the only one who really understands what I'm thinking...am I running away from my problems?...probably...but if I don't try this, I'm afraid that I will just spiral down and away and become someone I never wanted to be: useless...
I have a few options ahead of me...I can either take my new car and just drive away...pick a direction, pack up my bags and head out onto the open road...or, I can fly far away and try to survive on my own, work wherever I can and see if I have what it takes to be a man...Both options have its appeals, but there is one thing I must answer before I make my decision: am I doing this because I can't be around Silvia or am I doing this because I can't be around me?
I've always been a believer in facing down your fears...to stare the Dragon right in its eyes and say, "You will not stop me!...I will not back down for I will go straight through you"...
The End is near...I've always believed that my life was working towards me having a family, having lots of children and doing what I feel is the most important part of life: being a good family man...and for the most part, my partner in this journey was Silvia...but after she told me that I was no longer a partner to her but just a friend, my entire view on life changed like night and day...if this belief in my future life proved wrong, and I was so sure about it, what does this say about my life now...a big change turned me from a man who loved life and wanted nothing but a happy family with the woman I love to a man who can't even close his eyes for more then a few minutes without feeling a twinge of sadness and depression...I've lost my confidence...I've lost my sense of being...I've lost my ability to love...
The End has begun!
I find myself staring down the barrel of the gun...my Dragon Boat season will soon be over and then its wedding time...my cousin, my brother from a different mother, is finally wedding his beloved and I have been honored by being named his Best-Man...with this immense responsibility comes the added task of being happy during his happiest moment when all I feel is sadness and sorrow in my own life...Never would I ever dream of showing my true feelings in front of them, and I shall not do so...yet this does not change the fact that up to a few months ago, I thought that I would be sharing this special day with my own true love...
When this blessed day is over, my baby brother will be moving into his new home and like all good brothers, I will be there to help him move...this is his first big move into the world of adulthood and I would not miss that for the world...there is another thing about my brother's moving date that is important to me: its the last reason for me to stay here in Toronto...
Were it not for the wedding and my brother's move, I would have left Toronto right after the Island comptetition...But because of my duties, the soonest I can leave is in September...now, where am I going or what I'm going to do are all great questions and I have no answer for them...what I do know is that for the past few months, I've felt nothing but a hollow emptiness in my heart...I've tried to fill it with activities and work, but neither of them have adequately quenched my desire for change...
My cousin is going away to Japan for a year to teach English...her and I have very similar personalities and life experiences when it comes to family and friends...her reason for leaving is almost identical to the reason why I want to leave...so in many respects, she's the only one who really understands what I'm thinking...am I running away from my problems?...probably...but if I don't try this, I'm afraid that I will just spiral down and away and become someone I never wanted to be: useless...
I have a few options ahead of me...I can either take my new car and just drive away...pick a direction, pack up my bags and head out onto the open road...or, I can fly far away and try to survive on my own, work wherever I can and see if I have what it takes to be a man...Both options have its appeals, but there is one thing I must answer before I make my decision: am I doing this because I can't be around Silvia or am I doing this because I can't be around me?
I've always been a believer in facing down your fears...to stare the Dragon right in its eyes and say, "You will not stop me!...I will not back down for I will go straight through you"...
The End is near...I've always believed that my life was working towards me having a family, having lots of children and doing what I feel is the most important part of life: being a good family man...and for the most part, my partner in this journey was Silvia...but after she told me that I was no longer a partner to her but just a friend, my entire view on life changed like night and day...if this belief in my future life proved wrong, and I was so sure about it, what does this say about my life now...a big change turned me from a man who loved life and wanted nothing but a happy family with the woman I love to a man who can't even close his eyes for more then a few minutes without feeling a twinge of sadness and depression...I've lost my confidence...I've lost my sense of being...I've lost my ability to love...
The End has begun!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Shag'n Dragons...Canto III: The Sinking!
I don't care what people say, but April is a great month full of awesome weather...the beginning of Spring and April showers are all wonderful things...with that said, our first on-water practice was not the best of weather...in fact, I think there was a slight overcast and the water was only a few degrees cooler then the land and so it was pretty cold...my guys were ready, I could see it in there faces...the standing rule in my boat is that if we go under, you are to first save me, El Capitan...I didn't think I'd ever have to exact said rule, but I'm glad I said it before we paddled out...our steersperson at the time was a first timer, and on this day, he had invited a friend of his who had a lot of experience and would coach him through the finer points of steering...
Prior to starting, I spoke with the lifeguards and they told me that because the practice lanes were being used for the World Junior Rowing Championships, that our practice space was reduced...he advised us that instead of head east, like we normally did, that we were to head west and that we were allowed to go about 100m up the Humber River...normally, the Humber River is very choppy, but according to the lifeguards, they said that it was unusually calm and that it would be no problem...yeah right...so, we took their advice and we headed on west...the practice started off well, we were getting the feel of the boat, and the team seemed to be getting into it...as we approached the mouth of the Humber, I stopped the boat and decided to give everyone a chance to compose themselves before things got worse...with everyone ready and eager to prove themselves, we set off up the Humber...right from the beginning, I knew that this was totally wrong...due to the break walls in the practice areas, there is very little waves and the absolute worse parts are only between 1-2 feet in height...these are very simple and manageable waves, things that rarely would cause concern even amongst a non-swimmer such as myself...however, on this day while riding the Humber, the waves were in excess of 5-6 feet in height...huge chop means lots of paddles missing the water leads to people panicking and sliding all over the place which in turn causes people to slam their paddles into the water as hard as possible bringing tons of water into the boat...after about 100m, the water actually calmed a bit and we stopped paddling...we were next to three other dragon boat teams and two all-female rowing teams...we were pretty shook up but I was so proud of my guys...we took our time bailing out our boats and decided that perhaps we should just head on back and go in circles along the safer areas of the practice lanes...the first rule of paddling in chop is to never stop paddling...don't freak out and just paddle hard right through it...I said to my guys that they needed psyche themselves up and make sure that they never quit paddling until we reached the safety of the breakwall...to envision our route home properly, think of it this way...we were in the middle of the Humber River...100m south of us was were the river opens up into Lake Ontario...the practice race lanes, our sanctuary, is on a slight angle (around 50 degrees to the left)...so all we had to do was to paddle straight down and cut straight into the practice lanes...if we went wide enough, then only a slight course correction would be necessary to get us into the practice lane and we would be safe and sound...we bailed out all of the water in the boat and we were ready to go...I spoke to the other teams, and we all decided that if we all went together, it probably would be best...my team decided to go third, after the rowers and one dragon boat team and followed by the other team...and off we went, we were doing well, lots of chop, but I was able to get everyone to trust in themselves and we paddled hard...sure, me yelling that I will kill anyone who stops paddling can be construied as strong motivator, but whatever it takes...I told everyone to keep their eyes focused in the boat and to not worry about making it back...as I looked up to check our progress, I could see the break wall coming up and I knew that we were going to make it...we had about 30m to go when I noticed that we were going really wide to the entrance...I think our steersperson was afraid that our course was too sharp and he was afraid we would strike the shoreline...whatever the case may be, we went wide, really wide...so wide in fact that by the time we reached the mouth of the practice lane, we had turned almost 90 degrees...at this point, we were parallel with the waves instead of perpendicular...crash, crash, crash...wave after wave of water filled the boat, but we kept on paddling...it wasn't until the water had reached my hip did I realize that we were going under...everyone bailed out of the boat and we were floating like plastics dummies in Lake Ontario...thankfully, my team remembered our first rule and they saved me first...as we were being dragged to safety, our drummer was able to capture two pictures that she later sold to the newspapers...we weren't the only team that went under at that spot...one of the all-women rowing teams and another dragon boat team were all victimized by the rushing water...
The Harbor police were right there and so we were rescued very shortly after sinking...we got split up and some of us, myself included, got sent to see the ambulances near the Harbor police's dock...the rest of the team was taken back to the docks where they were cleared to go...as for myself, I was just a little cold and enjoyed the opportunity of riding inside the ambulance...after about an hour, we made it back to Sunnyside and were greeted by a news crew...some of us were filmed for a little segment and the rest of us got to bask in our 15 minutes of fame...
However, this fame was short lived as we had to prepare ourselves for our second practice...oh well!
Prior to starting, I spoke with the lifeguards and they told me that because the practice lanes were being used for the World Junior Rowing Championships, that our practice space was reduced...he advised us that instead of head east, like we normally did, that we were to head west and that we were allowed to go about 100m up the Humber River...normally, the Humber River is very choppy, but according to the lifeguards, they said that it was unusually calm and that it would be no problem...yeah right...so, we took their advice and we headed on west...the practice started off well, we were getting the feel of the boat, and the team seemed to be getting into it...as we approached the mouth of the Humber, I stopped the boat and decided to give everyone a chance to compose themselves before things got worse...with everyone ready and eager to prove themselves, we set off up the Humber...right from the beginning, I knew that this was totally wrong...due to the break walls in the practice areas, there is very little waves and the absolute worse parts are only between 1-2 feet in height...these are very simple and manageable waves, things that rarely would cause concern even amongst a non-swimmer such as myself...however, on this day while riding the Humber, the waves were in excess of 5-6 feet in height...huge chop means lots of paddles missing the water leads to people panicking and sliding all over the place which in turn causes people to slam their paddles into the water as hard as possible bringing tons of water into the boat...after about 100m, the water actually calmed a bit and we stopped paddling...we were next to three other dragon boat teams and two all-female rowing teams...we were pretty shook up but I was so proud of my guys...we took our time bailing out our boats and decided that perhaps we should just head on back and go in circles along the safer areas of the practice lanes...the first rule of paddling in chop is to never stop paddling...don't freak out and just paddle hard right through it...I said to my guys that they needed psyche themselves up and make sure that they never quit paddling until we reached the safety of the breakwall...to envision our route home properly, think of it this way...we were in the middle of the Humber River...100m south of us was were the river opens up into Lake Ontario...the practice race lanes, our sanctuary, is on a slight angle (around 50 degrees to the left)...so all we had to do was to paddle straight down and cut straight into the practice lanes...if we went wide enough, then only a slight course correction would be necessary to get us into the practice lane and we would be safe and sound...we bailed out all of the water in the boat and we were ready to go...I spoke to the other teams, and we all decided that if we all went together, it probably would be best...my team decided to go third, after the rowers and one dragon boat team and followed by the other team...and off we went, we were doing well, lots of chop, but I was able to get everyone to trust in themselves and we paddled hard...sure, me yelling that I will kill anyone who stops paddling can be construied as strong motivator, but whatever it takes...I told everyone to keep their eyes focused in the boat and to not worry about making it back...as I looked up to check our progress, I could see the break wall coming up and I knew that we were going to make it...we had about 30m to go when I noticed that we were going really wide to the entrance...I think our steersperson was afraid that our course was too sharp and he was afraid we would strike the shoreline...whatever the case may be, we went wide, really wide...so wide in fact that by the time we reached the mouth of the practice lane, we had turned almost 90 degrees...at this point, we were parallel with the waves instead of perpendicular...crash, crash, crash...wave after wave of water filled the boat, but we kept on paddling...it wasn't until the water had reached my hip did I realize that we were going under...everyone bailed out of the boat and we were floating like plastics dummies in Lake Ontario...thankfully, my team remembered our first rule and they saved me first...as we were being dragged to safety, our drummer was able to capture two pictures that she later sold to the newspapers...we weren't the only team that went under at that spot...one of the all-women rowing teams and another dragon boat team were all victimized by the rushing water...
The Harbor police were right there and so we were rescued very shortly after sinking...we got split up and some of us, myself included, got sent to see the ambulances near the Harbor police's dock...the rest of the team was taken back to the docks where they were cleared to go...as for myself, I was just a little cold and enjoyed the opportunity of riding inside the ambulance...after about an hour, we made it back to Sunnyside and were greeted by a news crew...some of us were filmed for a little segment and the rest of us got to bask in our 15 minutes of fame...
However, this fame was short lived as we had to prepare ourselves for our second practice...oh well!
Shag'n Dragons...Canto II: Lets Get This Party Started
In my other blog, I have mentioned that I have read the "Art of War" by Sun Tzu back in grade school...I thoroughly enjoyed reading it as it offered an insight and way of looking at life, regardless if you are an athlete, four star general or CEO...
After making our first major step, the picking of a name, it was time that I sat down and figured out my game plan...the roster I had enlisted was a very young group of people...when I say young, I don't mean in age, but in relative experience...in fact, it would be safe to say that our team was composed entirely of newbies...only three people had more then one year of experience and so I had to start right at the beginning when it came to coaching...I read up on training techniques, strategy and basic principles of coaching...I was nervous, but it was a good nervousness...I had finally taken control of something larger then myself, made myself as its main driving force, and told people to trust in me...a huge responsibility, and I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't a little scared by it...but I live by a simple motto "Go big or Go home", and so I decided to go for broke on this one...the first thing I decided to do was to have the entire team get together and go over the basics of paddling technique...it was a great night where I met some people, to which I would eventually become good friends with, for the very first time...I went over the basics of the catch and pull and over boat commands...everyone seemed to take it all in and I could sense, for the first time, a real desire...it was the spark I had been looking and it only motivated me even further...with the basics out of the way, it was time I got them into a pool and see if they could do what I told them...
A few weeks later, the team came over to my place and we began our first pool practice...it was so much fun, I have never that much complaining and bitching from anybody....but boy was it necessary...I don't think a single person was happy with their performance, let alone dry, but it was a wonderful experience and I can say with the utmost confidence that every single person there enjoyed and valued it...the team was starting to gel together and all I could think about was something Sun Tzu said: "regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys. Look on them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death"...Now, I wasn't planning on having my teammates die, but I did want them to believe in me...in all of my sports and leadership moments, I've always believed in the old adage that a leader is someone who instiles confidence and belief in their subordinates through action and communication...I didn't want my team to think that I was some kind of slave driver but, at the same time, if I felt that we could do better or harder, I was going to do it with them...I feel that a leader should lead by example, should be the first person to speak up and say that it was a great attempt or a pathetic attempt...the leader should take responsibility for the good and the bad, and only if the team believes in you, does the team truly succeed...lead by example, be the rock that your team can lean upon during their darkest time, but don't be so distant from them that they can't talk to you or trust you...as the Romans would say "Strength & Honor" and this is what I truly believed in...this is what I wanted to be to them and to myself, and I knew I could...I only needed the opportunity to demonstrate my desire to succeed...
On a side note, to this day, I still feel as strongly about leading my team and I can only hope that my friends understand my words and actions in these years past....I'm not an easy person to deal with, and I have had moments where people have misinterpreted my words and actions...I have been accused of being too passionate, too aggressive, to hard on people...these accusations have been made to me, both in sport and in my personal life, and that its probably why I'm single right now, and the people and things I love have been placed in tiny, neat compartments in my soul...Dragon Boat is the closest thing I have to a truly Zen-ful existence...for that time on the water, my life has purpose, clarity and simple meaning...my life on-land is a sea of chaos one in which I have had much difficulty, as of late, navigating...I started this blog as an attempt to explain in words my love for this sport...perhaps after reading these notes, you may truly understand my intentions, my desires, and my true nature...there are times when I'm on the water, that if I were to die at that moment, I would feel no regret, no pain and no hate...it would be peaceful...
We did three pool-practices before it was time to hit the water...the team is as ready to go as it could be...I got them all on the same page and they were stoked for the Island competition...once we get the first on-water practice started, get the kinks out, things will be great...we all have worked hard to get to this point, and have endured much pain and sacrifice...how could it get any worse?...I've got three words for you: sink the boat!
After making our first major step, the picking of a name, it was time that I sat down and figured out my game plan...the roster I had enlisted was a very young group of people...when I say young, I don't mean in age, but in relative experience...in fact, it would be safe to say that our team was composed entirely of newbies...only three people had more then one year of experience and so I had to start right at the beginning when it came to coaching...I read up on training techniques, strategy and basic principles of coaching...I was nervous, but it was a good nervousness...I had finally taken control of something larger then myself, made myself as its main driving force, and told people to trust in me...a huge responsibility, and I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't a little scared by it...but I live by a simple motto "Go big or Go home", and so I decided to go for broke on this one...the first thing I decided to do was to have the entire team get together and go over the basics of paddling technique...it was a great night where I met some people, to which I would eventually become good friends with, for the very first time...I went over the basics of the catch and pull and over boat commands...everyone seemed to take it all in and I could sense, for the first time, a real desire...it was the spark I had been looking and it only motivated me even further...with the basics out of the way, it was time I got them into a pool and see if they could do what I told them...
A few weeks later, the team came over to my place and we began our first pool practice...it was so much fun, I have never that much complaining and bitching from anybody....but boy was it necessary...I don't think a single person was happy with their performance, let alone dry, but it was a wonderful experience and I can say with the utmost confidence that every single person there enjoyed and valued it...the team was starting to gel together and all I could think about was something Sun Tzu said: "regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys. Look on them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death"...Now, I wasn't planning on having my teammates die, but I did want them to believe in me...in all of my sports and leadership moments, I've always believed in the old adage that a leader is someone who instiles confidence and belief in their subordinates through action and communication...I didn't want my team to think that I was some kind of slave driver but, at the same time, if I felt that we could do better or harder, I was going to do it with them...I feel that a leader should lead by example, should be the first person to speak up and say that it was a great attempt or a pathetic attempt...the leader should take responsibility for the good and the bad, and only if the team believes in you, does the team truly succeed...lead by example, be the rock that your team can lean upon during their darkest time, but don't be so distant from them that they can't talk to you or trust you...as the Romans would say "Strength & Honor" and this is what I truly believed in...this is what I wanted to be to them and to myself, and I knew I could...I only needed the opportunity to demonstrate my desire to succeed...
On a side note, to this day, I still feel as strongly about leading my team and I can only hope that my friends understand my words and actions in these years past....I'm not an easy person to deal with, and I have had moments where people have misinterpreted my words and actions...I have been accused of being too passionate, too aggressive, to hard on people...these accusations have been made to me, both in sport and in my personal life, and that its probably why I'm single right now, and the people and things I love have been placed in tiny, neat compartments in my soul...Dragon Boat is the closest thing I have to a truly Zen-ful existence...for that time on the water, my life has purpose, clarity and simple meaning...my life on-land is a sea of chaos one in which I have had much difficulty, as of late, navigating...I started this blog as an attempt to explain in words my love for this sport...perhaps after reading these notes, you may truly understand my intentions, my desires, and my true nature...there are times when I'm on the water, that if I were to die at that moment, I would feel no regret, no pain and no hate...it would be peaceful...
We did three pool-practices before it was time to hit the water...the team is as ready to go as it could be...I got them all on the same page and they were stoked for the Island competition...once we get the first on-water practice started, get the kinks out, things will be great...we all have worked hard to get to this point, and have endured much pain and sacrifice...how could it get any worse?...I've got three words for you: sink the boat!
Shag'n Dragons...Canto I: I Have a Dream!
Where to begin?...how do you start a tale that is so much a part of you that you have no idea where it starts and yourself ends?...
Women...everything seems to be tied into the fairer sex...you'll come to notice that women play a heavy role in my life, and this is no exception...I started my Dragon Boat career back in late 1999...I was invited by a friend of a friend of a friend to participate in a training session with some paddlers...they needed a guy of my size and build to off-set one of their larger paddlers and provide a body during a training module...although I was only there in a spectator and training partner capacity, I was intrigued by the dedication and skill involved in what I had initially thought was a glorified canoe boat...
My real first experience of paddling came a year later when I was asked by my cousin if I was interested in joining a team that he was starting in his faculty...I thought about it, thought it was a great opportunity to have some fun, workout and, more importantly, learn what it was like to be in a team oriented sport...so, I agreed and I became the 22 member of the University of Toronto: Occupational Therapy & Physiotherapy Dragon Boat Team, the "Motor Unit"...it was a great team...we had an awesome coach who was both knowledgeable and very easy-going when it came to the training...another great aspect of the team was that every single person there was very physically oriented and in relatively good shape...we could accomplish a lot and push everyone just that little bit harder, and I loved that aspect...it was a good time, and we came in think 4th in the University Cup...sure, we were in shape, but we were also a rookie team and were up against some pretty competition...we did so good, that the top brass decided that a 2nd team would be a good idea and the women's team "Strokin" was born...The next year, we got together again and decided to make sure we were on the podium this time...we worked like crazy, Wednesday evening practices, Saturday 8am practices, and before we knew it, it was time to show what all of that hard work had done...I think we came either 2nd or 3rd in the Cup and we were ecstatic...I remember that feeling of accomplishment, of attaining a goal that was set months in advance...If I'm not mistaken, the plaque is still up in the Rehab building...It was after this success that I decided that I wanted this for myself and the idea of the Shag'n Dragons was conceived....
One year later, back in Dec of 2002, I was sitting in the Cock'N Bull (Founder College's pub and local hangout) and I said to myself "you know, wouldn't it be great if I could see my friends during the summer time, when school was out?"...I wanted to do something that was athletic, but also easy enough in the beginning that it wouldn't discourage the less then stellar athlete...now, doesn't this reason seem very noble and kind, but in truth, this was but a partial reason...I had just begun going out with a new girl, someone who I thought was very special, and I wanted to show her how manly and athletic I could be...I couldn't pick Martial Arts, because hitting your significant other is not the best way to show love, so I decided that a couple that paddles a boat together stays together...so thats when I thought back to my Motor Unit days and said, "yeah, lets do Dragon Boat"...the first person I looked for was my drummer, my Co-Captain...it so happened that we had a friend named Elynn who had not only paddled before but was willing to be part of this team...with that out of the way, I set out to look for my team...I was able to find half the team with relative ease, and thankfully, with the help of Elynn and Julia, we were able to find the remaining few people...there were 2 things remaining: 1) finding a steersperson, and 2) coming up with a team name...the steersperson issue was easier solved then I thought, and the person we brought had a friend who was experienced and who could assist our new steersperson, and so that was done...as for the name, this was all Julia...
My initial desire for the team name was the "Wu Boat", you know, a play on the WWII German "U-Boat"...of course, having my name in it was a wonderful extra, but that wasn't the main reason why...I don't know why, but it was quickly dismissed, they just neer gave it a shot....We then had people come up with lists of team names, and such goodies as "10,000 dead babies at the bottom of the sea" and "flaming dildos" were the results...I don't remember who said "Super Dragons" but I thought, "Dude, that sounds like a cheesy Chinese martial arts movie!...how about UberDragons?"...then Julia, having an epiphany like all geniuses do at some point in their life chimed in and said, "How about Shag'n Dragons"...I thought about, thought it was funny, different and easy to remember, and we were done...
Now it was time to practice, to see if my friends and I could actually make a go of this, to hopefully not come last and to not sink at any point in time...2 out 3 is good enough....
Women...everything seems to be tied into the fairer sex...you'll come to notice that women play a heavy role in my life, and this is no exception...I started my Dragon Boat career back in late 1999...I was invited by a friend of a friend of a friend to participate in a training session with some paddlers...they needed a guy of my size and build to off-set one of their larger paddlers and provide a body during a training module...although I was only there in a spectator and training partner capacity, I was intrigued by the dedication and skill involved in what I had initially thought was a glorified canoe boat...
My real first experience of paddling came a year later when I was asked by my cousin if I was interested in joining a team that he was starting in his faculty...I thought about it, thought it was a great opportunity to have some fun, workout and, more importantly, learn what it was like to be in a team oriented sport...so, I agreed and I became the 22 member of the University of Toronto: Occupational Therapy & Physiotherapy Dragon Boat Team, the "Motor Unit"...it was a great team...we had an awesome coach who was both knowledgeable and very easy-going when it came to the training...another great aspect of the team was that every single person there was very physically oriented and in relatively good shape...we could accomplish a lot and push everyone just that little bit harder, and I loved that aspect...it was a good time, and we came in think 4th in the University Cup...sure, we were in shape, but we were also a rookie team and were up against some pretty competition...we did so good, that the top brass decided that a 2nd team would be a good idea and the women's team "Strokin" was born...The next year, we got together again and decided to make sure we were on the podium this time...we worked like crazy, Wednesday evening practices, Saturday 8am practices, and before we knew it, it was time to show what all of that hard work had done...I think we came either 2nd or 3rd in the Cup and we were ecstatic...I remember that feeling of accomplishment, of attaining a goal that was set months in advance...If I'm not mistaken, the plaque is still up in the Rehab building...It was after this success that I decided that I wanted this for myself and the idea of the Shag'n Dragons was conceived....
One year later, back in Dec of 2002, I was sitting in the Cock'N Bull (Founder College's pub and local hangout) and I said to myself "you know, wouldn't it be great if I could see my friends during the summer time, when school was out?"...I wanted to do something that was athletic, but also easy enough in the beginning that it wouldn't discourage the less then stellar athlete...now, doesn't this reason seem very noble and kind, but in truth, this was but a partial reason...I had just begun going out with a new girl, someone who I thought was very special, and I wanted to show her how manly and athletic I could be...I couldn't pick Martial Arts, because hitting your significant other is not the best way to show love, so I decided that a couple that paddles a boat together stays together...so thats when I thought back to my Motor Unit days and said, "yeah, lets do Dragon Boat"...the first person I looked for was my drummer, my Co-Captain...it so happened that we had a friend named Elynn who had not only paddled before but was willing to be part of this team...with that out of the way, I set out to look for my team...I was able to find half the team with relative ease, and thankfully, with the help of Elynn and Julia, we were able to find the remaining few people...there were 2 things remaining: 1) finding a steersperson, and 2) coming up with a team name...the steersperson issue was easier solved then I thought, and the person we brought had a friend who was experienced and who could assist our new steersperson, and so that was done...as for the name, this was all Julia...
My initial desire for the team name was the "Wu Boat", you know, a play on the WWII German "U-Boat"...of course, having my name in it was a wonderful extra, but that wasn't the main reason why...I don't know why, but it was quickly dismissed, they just neer gave it a shot....We then had people come up with lists of team names, and such goodies as "10,000 dead babies at the bottom of the sea" and "flaming dildos" were the results...I don't remember who said "Super Dragons" but I thought, "Dude, that sounds like a cheesy Chinese martial arts movie!...how about UberDragons?"...then Julia, having an epiphany like all geniuses do at some point in their life chimed in and said, "How about Shag'n Dragons"...I thought about, thought it was funny, different and easy to remember, and we were done...
Now it was time to practice, to see if my friends and I could actually make a go of this, to hopefully not come last and to not sink at any point in time...2 out 3 is good enough....
Why am I being punished?
I'm a believer in Karma...
In fact, my belief in this unseen force of balance is the measure to which I try to live my life...
An honorable life is, in my opinion, the only true way to experience the best parts of life and still have the most fun...
So why is it then that I'm being punished like I was deserving of this?...perhaps its karma!...perhaps not...I don't know, but it definitely feels like I'm deserving of this somehow...What has happened to me that has caused me to question the very nature of existence and my place in it?...
By now, if you have read my previous rants, you probably already understand the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing in my personal life...along with my heartache, I've also had some changes in my professional life, as well as my physical self...
I'm about to start a new place of work, where my hopes and aspirations lie in a relatively new clinic...there hopes and dreams are based on a marketing ploy, not often associated with the health-care field, but nonetheless, worth a shot...they seemed particularly interested in me and my work, and a part of me looks forward to this change...I need change...I need money to make the changes I want to make...in order to do this, I need to find a job that is more stable...So, i'll give this place a shot, see how it turns out...I know that I match any of their therapists in knowledge and drive, but is that enough?...the summer is never a great time to start working in a clinic...people are on vacations, they don't want to spend the day at a clinic when they can spend it outdoors...hopefully, the area (Bayview & Eglinton) will prove to be immune to the vacation slump and I will be able to make a big splash with the community...I think what irks me most about this change is not my new place of employment, but that of my current and soon-to-be ex-employer...I had been with them for over a year...I worked hard for them every single day...they, and when I say 'they' I mean the owner in particular, took their time in making me feel like a member of the team...I didn't get the same things that the other therapists got until many, many months into my career...in fact, I only received my picture on the wall 3 months ago, something that I had been asking for since my first few weeks there...what better way to advertise a therapist then to have their picture on the wall...so why did he take so long to do it?...why did he say that advertising massage was a problem when he didn't assist me in this area?...the cherry on top was that last week, they took my picture off the wall and replaced it with a new employee who has to even start...I was, and am, still working there, and they took me off the wall in the span of a few hours...do I feel the love?...absolutely not...
This is my second problem...my third is my physical state...when Silvia and I parted ways, I decided to throw myself into my second love: Dragon Boat...since the season has begun, I've had ample time to focus on the nuances of coaching my two teams, administrative duties and training for a third and forth team...prior to the start of the season, I was getting only a handfull of hours of sleep a night...you'd think that would change when I'd start training and exhausting myself even more...nope...I still don't sleep much...I've been having crazy dreams, some bordering on paranoia and schizo...up till a few weeks, I was able to handle everything...sure, I have no social life, and I haven't done a tenth of what I normally do at this time...but, for the most part, I was physically sure and capable of what my sport and work demanded of me...then came the prep-race day...I did 5 races, with very little rest in between...I know that my physically ability and skill can handle this level of intensity...but I'll tell you something, it wasn't my physical attributes that got me through it...I had to draw upon every single ounce of emotional fortitude to get me through it all...and afterwards, I think I hurt myself...my back has moments of freedom and then it locks up like I was run over by a train...I've been getting more sleep, but it has been neither restful or complete...I think my life has finally caught up with me...I find myself drifting away, with both eyes wide open...my concentration wains like never before...I'm having moments of lethargy and times when I can't seem to remember the simplest of things...my desire to succeed in life and to live happily seems like a distant memory...in its place I feel nothing but a grey blanket of dread, emotional unease and pessimistic overtures...
The summer has begun, and in a few weeks I will be done with Dragon Boat...the love of my life, something that she always will be, will no longer be in my life...I will have removed all ties to anything painful...I should be happy...I should be looking forward to this, but all I can do is just think about how alone I will be during this time...what is point of being alive, in a place where the sun shines down upon beautiful sights, when you can't share it with the one person you want to?...sure, I could go out and find a new person to fit this bill, but I just can't...I don't know how else to describe it...I just can't...
I'm being punished...partially because I'm doing it to myself...I know that...I know that the pain I endure is half self-induced and were I to just cast it off my shoulders, look to the light and move on, my outlook should improve...but what is the cause of the other half?
Please tell me why
In fact, my belief in this unseen force of balance is the measure to which I try to live my life...
An honorable life is, in my opinion, the only true way to experience the best parts of life and still have the most fun...
So why is it then that I'm being punished like I was deserving of this?...perhaps its karma!...perhaps not...I don't know, but it definitely feels like I'm deserving of this somehow...What has happened to me that has caused me to question the very nature of existence and my place in it?...
By now, if you have read my previous rants, you probably already understand the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing in my personal life...along with my heartache, I've also had some changes in my professional life, as well as my physical self...
I'm about to start a new place of work, where my hopes and aspirations lie in a relatively new clinic...there hopes and dreams are based on a marketing ploy, not often associated with the health-care field, but nonetheless, worth a shot...they seemed particularly interested in me and my work, and a part of me looks forward to this change...I need change...I need money to make the changes I want to make...in order to do this, I need to find a job that is more stable...So, i'll give this place a shot, see how it turns out...I know that I match any of their therapists in knowledge and drive, but is that enough?...the summer is never a great time to start working in a clinic...people are on vacations, they don't want to spend the day at a clinic when they can spend it outdoors...hopefully, the area (Bayview & Eglinton) will prove to be immune to the vacation slump and I will be able to make a big splash with the community...I think what irks me most about this change is not my new place of employment, but that of my current and soon-to-be ex-employer...I had been with them for over a year...I worked hard for them every single day...they, and when I say 'they' I mean the owner in particular, took their time in making me feel like a member of the team...I didn't get the same things that the other therapists got until many, many months into my career...in fact, I only received my picture on the wall 3 months ago, something that I had been asking for since my first few weeks there...what better way to advertise a therapist then to have their picture on the wall...so why did he take so long to do it?...why did he say that advertising massage was a problem when he didn't assist me in this area?...the cherry on top was that last week, they took my picture off the wall and replaced it with a new employee who has to even start...I was, and am, still working there, and they took me off the wall in the span of a few hours...do I feel the love?...absolutely not...
This is my second problem...my third is my physical state...when Silvia and I parted ways, I decided to throw myself into my second love: Dragon Boat...since the season has begun, I've had ample time to focus on the nuances of coaching my two teams, administrative duties and training for a third and forth team...prior to the start of the season, I was getting only a handfull of hours of sleep a night...you'd think that would change when I'd start training and exhausting myself even more...nope...I still don't sleep much...I've been having crazy dreams, some bordering on paranoia and schizo...up till a few weeks, I was able to handle everything...sure, I have no social life, and I haven't done a tenth of what I normally do at this time...but, for the most part, I was physically sure and capable of what my sport and work demanded of me...then came the prep-race day...I did 5 races, with very little rest in between...I know that my physically ability and skill can handle this level of intensity...but I'll tell you something, it wasn't my physical attributes that got me through it...I had to draw upon every single ounce of emotional fortitude to get me through it all...and afterwards, I think I hurt myself...my back has moments of freedom and then it locks up like I was run over by a train...I've been getting more sleep, but it has been neither restful or complete...I think my life has finally caught up with me...I find myself drifting away, with both eyes wide open...my concentration wains like never before...I'm having moments of lethargy and times when I can't seem to remember the simplest of things...my desire to succeed in life and to live happily seems like a distant memory...in its place I feel nothing but a grey blanket of dread, emotional unease and pessimistic overtures...
The summer has begun, and in a few weeks I will be done with Dragon Boat...the love of my life, something that she always will be, will no longer be in my life...I will have removed all ties to anything painful...I should be happy...I should be looking forward to this, but all I can do is just think about how alone I will be during this time...what is point of being alive, in a place where the sun shines down upon beautiful sights, when you can't share it with the one person you want to?...sure, I could go out and find a new person to fit this bill, but I just can't...I don't know how else to describe it...I just can't...
I'm being punished...partially because I'm doing it to myself...I know that...I know that the pain I endure is half self-induced and were I to just cast it off my shoulders, look to the light and move on, my outlook should improve...but what is the cause of the other half?
Please tell me why
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