Why am I being punished?

I'm a believer in Karma...

In fact, my belief in this unseen force of balance is the measure to which I try to live my life...

An honorable life is, in my opinion, the only true way to experience the best parts of life and still have the most fun...

So why is it then that I'm being punished like I was deserving of this?...perhaps its karma!...perhaps not...I don't know, but it definitely feels like I'm deserving of this somehow...What has happened to me that has caused me to question the very nature of existence and my place in it?...

By now, if you have read my previous rants, you probably already understand the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing in my personal life...along with my heartache, I've also had some changes in my professional life, as well as my physical self...

I'm about to start a new place of work, where my hopes and aspirations lie in a relatively new clinic...there hopes and dreams are based on a marketing ploy, not often associated with the health-care field, but nonetheless, worth a shot...they seemed particularly interested in me and my work, and a part of me looks forward to this change...I need change...I need money to make the changes I want to make...in order to do this, I need to find a job that is more stable...So, i'll give this place a shot, see how it turns out...I know that I match any of their therapists in knowledge and drive, but is that enough?...the summer is never a great time to start working in a clinic...people are on vacations, they don't want to spend the day at a clinic when they can spend it outdoors...hopefully, the area (Bayview & Eglinton) will prove to be immune to the vacation slump and I will be able to make a big splash with the community...I think what irks me most about this change is not my new place of employment, but that of my current and soon-to-be ex-employer...I had been with them for over a year...I worked hard for them every single day...they, and when I say 'they' I mean the owner in particular, took their time in making me feel like a member of the team...I didn't get the same things that the other therapists got until many, many months into my career...in fact, I only received my picture on the wall 3 months ago, something that I had been asking for since my first few weeks there...what better way to advertise a therapist then to have their picture on the wall...so why did he take so long to do it?...why did he say that advertising massage was a problem when he didn't assist me in this area?...the cherry on top was that last week, they took my picture off the wall and replaced it with a new employee who has to even start...I was, and am, still working there, and they took me off the wall in the span of a few hours...do I feel the love?...absolutely not...

This is my second problem...my third is my physical state...when Silvia and I parted ways, I decided to throw myself into my second love: Dragon Boat...since the season has begun, I've had ample time to focus on the nuances of coaching my two teams, administrative duties and training for a third and forth team...prior to the start of the season, I was getting only a handfull of hours of sleep a night...you'd think that would change when I'd start training and exhausting myself even more...nope...I still don't sleep much...I've been having crazy dreams, some bordering on paranoia and schizo...up till a few weeks, I was able to handle everything...sure, I have no social life, and I haven't done a tenth of what I normally do at this time...but, for the most part, I was physically sure and capable of what my sport and work demanded of me...then came the prep-race day...I did 5 races, with very little rest in between...I know that my physically ability and skill can handle this level of intensity...but I'll tell you something, it wasn't my physical attributes that got me through it...I had to draw upon every single ounce of emotional fortitude to get me through it all...and afterwards, I think I hurt myself...my back has moments of freedom and then it locks up like I was run over by a train...I've been getting more sleep, but it has been neither restful or complete...I think my life has finally caught up with me...I find myself drifting away, with both eyes wide open...my concentration wains like never before...I'm having moments of lethargy and times when I can't seem to remember the simplest of things...my desire to succeed in life and to live happily seems like a distant memory...in its place I feel nothing but a grey blanket of dread, emotional unease and pessimistic overtures...

The summer has begun, and in a few weeks I will be done with Dragon Boat...the love of my life, something that she always will be, will no longer be in my life...I will have removed all ties to anything painful...I should be happy...I should be looking forward to this, but all I can do is just think about how alone I will be during this time...what is point of being alive, in a place where the sun shines down upon beautiful sights, when you can't share it with the one person you want to?...sure, I could go out and find a new person to fit this bill, but I just can't...I don't know how else to describe it...I just can't...

I'm being punished...partially because I'm doing it to myself...I know that...I know that the pain I endure is half self-induced and were I to just cast it off my shoulders, look to the light and move on, my outlook should improve...but what is the cause of the other half?

Please tell me why

My life at the beginning...Chapter VIII: Karma is a harsh mistress!

To fight and conquer in all of your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting

In order to prove to my worth, I must first show why life would me would be significantly better then with the other guy...first things first, I need to scout the enemy, record any weaknesses and look for weak spots...If I could only figure out how to find out his name without arrising suspicion...

Although I was vaguely familiar with her inner social circle of female hotness, that option was a not a good choice...although they were hot, intelligent and, most likely, genuinely good people, they weren't the nicest to young, single, impressionable guys...I guess that because they were hot, they must have been hit on by a lot of pathetic guys and so they naturally developed a force field of bitchiness...plus, I had apparently used up my one question when I spoke with Young, so I was out of choices...I had to go and approach the guys in the group; the bag holders and openers of doors...if you could have seen these guys, you would have laughed...they were either the stereotypical Greek/Italian, Camero driving, Marlboro smoking douchebag or the slick-back haired, pigeon-toed walking, Du Maurier smoking Chinese douchebag...in either case, they were useless, funny looking, possesors of huge chips on their soldiers and constantly think they were cooler then anyone else...talking with them was going to be difficult because compared to them, I was the exact opposite...although I wasn't as pretty as they were, I was certain my pinky was smarter then their entire group intellect, so I had to use my brain on this one...how do you get what you want from morons?...treat them like dogs and go Pavlov on them...I started off small, introducing myself and bringing a tasty little treat (usually a couple of smokes or some candy) to get over the whole "I don't know" phase...after I earned their confidence, I slowly weaned them off the treats, but their response to me remained the same...after a while, they began acknowledging me when I would walk past, or when they needed help in class, they would ask me...things were starting to fall into place, all I had to do was ask the right questions, and I'd be ready for battle...

After a few weeks, I had gathered my intel...I knew the guys name, where he lived, where he went to school and more importantly, how to kill him...ok, maybe not the last part, but that kind of info would have been helpful...I remember the day I found out his name, I said to myself "oh crap...this is why Karma is a harsh mistress!"...back when I was in Grade 2, I was often picked on in school for my round, fuzzy appearance...I was short, had a mini-chinafro, chubby as an overweight cat and just as fuzzy...although I was cute in picture form, to other kids, I was the perfect target for daily ridiculing and randam moments of violence...thankfully, I could defend myself and so I quickly made any attacker sorry and wonder why they ever decided to drop gloves with me...there was one day when I was playing on the steps of portable when three guys came over to me and started to bother me...they were in the later grades, and thought that they were hot shit....they began with simple enough name calling, and when I tried to leave, they blocked my way and began to push me...thats when I went baby Hercules on them and started throwing punches...being a lot shorter then them, all I was doing was punching up, but I remember hearing a crunch sound followed by a "oh my god, you broke my nose!"...I didn't break his nose, I just made it bleed, but since he was a bully, he had no real guts and he quickly left me alone...fast forward ten years or so, and we find ourselves about to find out the name to the mystery man...I couldn't believe it...there must be a mistake...there is no way they man she is dating, the man she has gone away with is the same man who was a faceless coward; a man with no honor...no mistake, ladies and gentlemen, our lady has fallen in love with the enemy...that sucks!

After finding out this devastating bit of information, I decided that maybe I should concentrate on school for the time being, seeing as it was close to year's end and I was still trying to apply for University...I was in a rut, my mind was constantly going over all the details, wondering if I had lost a once in a lifetime opportunity and how I could have done things differently...I needed to keep myself busy, and I even agreed to help choreograph the Martial Arts demonstration at the World Tour event being held at the end of the school year...another big reason why I agreed to do it was because one of the producers was one of the two people I actually considered friends, and so it was a favor to her...so I did it and I have to admit, it was a lot of fun...sure, one of the highlights of the show was watching my goddess and her posse of hot angels prancing around in Chinese and Korean traditional garb...ok, for the sake of culture and honor, I will pay attention...

My fourth year had come to a close, and with the exception of finding out that little bit of bad news, it wasn't too bad...I finally felt that things had turned around and that entering my final year of study would prove to be my best year yet...