Why am I being punished?

I'm a believer in Karma...

In fact, my belief in this unseen force of balance is the measure to which I try to live my life...

An honorable life is, in my opinion, the only true way to experience the best parts of life and still have the most fun...

So why is it then that I'm being punished like I was deserving of this?...perhaps its karma!...perhaps not...I don't know, but it definitely feels like I'm deserving of this somehow...What has happened to me that has caused me to question the very nature of existence and my place in it?...

By now, if you have read my previous rants, you probably already understand the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing in my personal life...along with my heartache, I've also had some changes in my professional life, as well as my physical self...

I'm about to start a new place of work, where my hopes and aspirations lie in a relatively new clinic...there hopes and dreams are based on a marketing ploy, not often associated with the health-care field, but nonetheless, worth a shot...they seemed particularly interested in me and my work, and a part of me looks forward to this change...I need change...I need money to make the changes I want to make...in order to do this, I need to find a job that is more stable...So, i'll give this place a shot, see how it turns out...I know that I match any of their therapists in knowledge and drive, but is that enough?...the summer is never a great time to start working in a clinic...people are on vacations, they don't want to spend the day at a clinic when they can spend it outdoors...hopefully, the area (Bayview & Eglinton) will prove to be immune to the vacation slump and I will be able to make a big splash with the community...I think what irks me most about this change is not my new place of employment, but that of my current and soon-to-be ex-employer...I had been with them for over a year...I worked hard for them every single day...they, and when I say 'they' I mean the owner in particular, took their time in making me feel like a member of the team...I didn't get the same things that the other therapists got until many, many months into my career...in fact, I only received my picture on the wall 3 months ago, something that I had been asking for since my first few weeks there...what better way to advertise a therapist then to have their picture on the wall...so why did he take so long to do it?...why did he say that advertising massage was a problem when he didn't assist me in this area?...the cherry on top was that last week, they took my picture off the wall and replaced it with a new employee who has to even start...I was, and am, still working there, and they took me off the wall in the span of a few hours...do I feel the love?...absolutely not...

This is my second problem...my third is my physical state...when Silvia and I parted ways, I decided to throw myself into my second love: Dragon Boat...since the season has begun, I've had ample time to focus on the nuances of coaching my two teams, administrative duties and training for a third and forth team...prior to the start of the season, I was getting only a handfull of hours of sleep a night...you'd think that would change when I'd start training and exhausting myself even more...nope...I still don't sleep much...I've been having crazy dreams, some bordering on paranoia and schizo...up till a few weeks, I was able to handle everything...sure, I have no social life, and I haven't done a tenth of what I normally do at this time...but, for the most part, I was physically sure and capable of what my sport and work demanded of me...then came the prep-race day...I did 5 races, with very little rest in between...I know that my physically ability and skill can handle this level of intensity...but I'll tell you something, it wasn't my physical attributes that got me through it...I had to draw upon every single ounce of emotional fortitude to get me through it all...and afterwards, I think I hurt myself...my back has moments of freedom and then it locks up like I was run over by a train...I've been getting more sleep, but it has been neither restful or complete...I think my life has finally caught up with me...I find myself drifting away, with both eyes wide open...my concentration wains like never before...I'm having moments of lethargy and times when I can't seem to remember the simplest of things...my desire to succeed in life and to live happily seems like a distant memory...in its place I feel nothing but a grey blanket of dread, emotional unease and pessimistic overtures...

The summer has begun, and in a few weeks I will be done with Dragon Boat...the love of my life, something that she always will be, will no longer be in my life...I will have removed all ties to anything painful...I should be happy...I should be looking forward to this, but all I can do is just think about how alone I will be during this time...what is point of being alive, in a place where the sun shines down upon beautiful sights, when you can't share it with the one person you want to?...sure, I could go out and find a new person to fit this bill, but I just can't...I don't know how else to describe it...I just can't...

I'm being punished...partially because I'm doing it to myself...I know that...I know that the pain I endure is half self-induced and were I to just cast it off my shoulders, look to the light and move on, my outlook should improve...but what is the cause of the other half?

Please tell me why