Why can't we just hit each other and get it over with?

I think I was born in the wrong era...

There are times when it takes every ounce of my strength not to lunge out and strike the person next to me right in their face...I'm not a peach to deal with and, I know that at times, I can be very difficult to stomach...but when I'm wrong, I admit it and I'll apologize if its necessary...some people it seems, just don't recognize this fact and view my willingness to accept responsibility and move on as a sign of weakness...am I stubborn?...absolutely...am I sullen and have a tendency to brood at times?...unfortunately so...but over the years, I have tried to be patient and understanding of people around me, and so it really irks me when I have to deal with people who don't have the common courtesy to just move on...

Case in point, I have a problem with how a certain situation has unfolded in front of me...although things have reached a conclusion, and the possible remedy is actually better then what we started off with, I just can't seem to get over how all of this concluded...people have mentioned that I can be aggressive and over-bearing but you know what I say to that?...oh well...I think I was born in the wrong era...

Why can't we ever go back to society that is based solely on the honor code?...is it really that difficult to organize, institute and maintain?...I guess so seeing as it doesn't really exist outside of a few countries, and even then those countries aren't first world nations, which begs the question: why is that the countries that claim to be 'better' are not following the common sense, moral duty and ethical beacon that a properly defined honor system can produce?...I can hear my friend now saying 'what the hell do you mean properly defined honor system, and who will determine this definition?"...answer, me...I know, I know, that makes no sense and I'm definitely not the person who should define what is right and wrong with my background and history...but you know what, although I've never claimed to be a saint, I have always thought of myself as someone who has followed a moral compass for most of his life and is someone who could be counted on for doing the right thing...apparently thats not so...

I find myself sitting in front of my computer, writing down the shame I've been put through due to whatever reason caused it...these last few weeks have not been the best for me; with the end of a long-term relationship, my mother going for surgery, my integrity publically challenged, being physically challenged to a few scuffles and were that not enough, to be called a coward being the worst of my charges...all my life, I've had people take advantage of me or count me out due to my naivity or ability to view important decisions in my life in a monochromatic way...I'm tired of having people claim to care or love me, only to turn 180 degrees and say things to me that should never be said...I can say with utmost confidence and certainty that I have not done what has happened to me as of late, and so maybe that is why I'm so confused as to why its happening to me...I'm a big believer in Karma, and that is why I have no worries when people try to pick a fight with me because I know that when push comes to shove, I can shove back...again, this goes back to my original question of why I can't just reach out and hit people...I have done some bad things and some less the questionable things, but I have never doen anything that would question my honor or sense of integrity...and yet, in the span of a few weeks, people have been dissecting me, piece by piece, as if I was a steak waiting to have the fat cut off the edges....

My heart is broken...I see the pieces before me...I know how to put them back together and I know where the adhesive is to mend my shattered soul...and for all the claims I make of being a logical, pragmatic person, I can't seem to get past the fact that I should be happy for the situation I'm in now...I can see the end of the tunnel, I truly can...I can view a portrait of serenity and peace, of resound happiness waiting for me at the other end of the tunnel of life...yet whenever my mind drifts back to the reality that is the prison my soul finds itself in, I once again become angry and depressed and all I want to do is just hit things and people...I know that these feelings are just my own insecurities and fears trying to manifest themselves, and if I give into them, then I truly will be doing a dishonorable act...

A patient of mine told me that I should focus on all of the negative things from my relationship...his reasoning was that people have a tendency to think of all the good things and, before they know it, a fantastical dream appears in which all things seems to be honkey doorey, when in actual fact, the negative things help focus your thoughts and keep them real...although this probably goes against the normal line of thinking, I have to admit that it has helped me through some pretty bad moments...there have been times during the day in which I have daydreamed of a happier time and before I knew it, I would start getting those feelings of longing and loss and I would spiral into a spin of patheticness...but now, when I feel these emotions and feelings starting to build, I say an little affirmation to myself and I get angry again, and my daydream disappears...

You wanna know what my affirmation is?

"I'm not a bad person...I've done nothing wrong...I deserve someone who will love me like I love them...I will be happy...I will not hit or kill anyone"...ok, I threw in the last bit, but everything else is true