The likelihood of anyone reading this is remote...in fact, the only way that someone reading this will know me and the subject matter is about as likely as the Maple Leaf's making the playoffs...maybe its this lack of outside attention, which is the reason why I've decided to right this all down...maybe a few months or years from now, I'll be able to look back at this and smile and see how funny all of this is...this is almost like a vault where my true feelings and thoughts can be kept safe from the world...maybe in the electronic sea of information called the Internet, I'll find an island of calm and a safe harbor for my true feelings...
Maybe she wasn't my true love...maybe it wasn't love at all...let me back up a bit and explain my rather depressing statement in more clarity...
Before we begin, let me say that when it comes to this subject, I kinda, every once in while, on occasion, when I get the ball rolling, ramble on and on...past and present tense goes right out the window and so don't get freaked out if you notice some grammatical errors...again, I'm probably going to be the only person who will ever read this and so I guess I'm just warning my future self of my past self's tendency to ramble...anyways, let the flood gates open and enjoy...
Back in University, I had met a woman that we'll call Betty...Betty was, for lack of a better word, amazing...she was the friend of an acquaintance who I met purely by coincidence...normally, when I describe how we met, I usually go into the amazing first few months we shared together and people would see how great we were...but lets just say that I had found what I thought was true love...she was two years my junior but decades my senior in maturity and intelligence...but, how often do you meet a couple in which the guy is more mature then the woman?...Betty's personal life helped shape and mold her into the independent woman that she was and in many respects, had she had a more stable personal life, things might have turned out a little different in our relationship (NOTE: I'm by no means saying that her personal life was the cause of my pessimistic turn away from love...in fact, its most likely the other way around...what I mean by my previous statement is that her personal life experiences made her the somewhat cynical, uber-indepedently minded woman who viewed our lives together completely different from my own...it is my belief that had she a more stable and similar parental-guided childhood, her and I would have been of exact mentality and maybe have remained together)...I'll explain more about why I said that, but for now, let me just say that her personality was like a breath of fresh air to me...
Betty's personality can be described in one word, but there is no word to properly define it...she is absolutely an extrovert...in fact, extrovert is probably the best word to use when talking about her...she is the kind of woman who loves to be the centre of attention in any social gathering and, while she enjoys the love and adoration, she also was mature enough to know when to listen...she is, quite easily, the most intelligent woman I've ever known...she could converse with anyone in almost any subject, and while she never claimed to know things she didn't, her natural curiousity and wit led many to believe that she in fact knew more then she did...her kindness was beyond words, often she would stop and talk to the less-then fortunate people she would randomly encounter in the downtown core...when a friend or acquaintance was the victim of an accident or crime, she would be the first person to express her condolences and seek out a way to provide any kind of support or assistance...Love is another word that is often associated with her...her love for life, for her work, her cats, her family and friends, her independence and individuality are so integral to her well-being that she tries to love them all equally...
Where was I?...oh yes, Betty....why is that everytime I think of her, feelings of love, longing and sadness are accompanied by flashes of rage and anger?...are the negative emotions just me being upset with myself for still thinking that there is a chance with Betty?...maybe, but I do know that some of my rage is definitely directed at Betty...thing is, she never did anything directly bad to me...its not like she cheated on me with another guy (although the cynic in me is screaming that I really don't know if she didn't)...no, I really don't believe she cheated on me with another person but I do believe that she did cheat on us and in the end, cheated on me...pretty harsh thinking, huh?...yeah it is...and a part of me kinda regrets actually writing that down...it seems very juvenile and inappropriate, especially when describing Betty...all of my friends became her friends, and so now that we are no longer a cohesive unit, my friends find themselves torn between two lovers...thing is, none of my friends are people who mince words and emotions, and thats a good thing...they have remained loyal to both parties and I'm happy about that...I think one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time getting over this is because someone told me that Betty had been feeling like this for a very long time, a year almost, and as such, by the time we did break up, she had gotten over the really bad stuff...this naturally leads my simpleton mind on a path of reasoning that goes like this: if she had already wanted to break up with me a year ago, then that means everything in the past few months has been tainted in a lie...a lie, whether great or small, is still a lie and even though claims have been made that her words of love and affection to me were made out of sincerity, one can't help but feel that there was a little line of doubt within them...so why is that she can be over me and have all my friends be happy and go out with and I'm a pathetic loser who constantly brings her up, much to the annoyance of my few remaining colleagues...
All my life, I have had moments were I have felt alone and unsupported by people and things...my life is my own and I've made peace with my current success and attainment of future glory...yet why is that the one person I want to share this joy and happiness with in the whole world, wants nothing to do with me?...why does this person find me as attractive as a member of her own sex?...why does this person say that she no longer feels the same way and have the same passion as I do?...why does this person then ask me not to take this personally?...why does Betty not love me?
Life is like a bug floating in the wind...sometimes you are floating high, free on the currents of fate...other times, you are banged against rocks and other painful objects...the key is to enjoy the good moments, to accept the bad times and to make each moment count...
I will no longer feel like a victim...I will no longer dwell on the what-if's...I will no longer wonder if my life has lost meaning for I know that meaning lies within your own actions...I will choose to act on this pain...I will choose to quell my rage...I will choose to find happiness...I will choose to find peace...I will choose to let myself love again...
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