Rage and Betty

The likelihood of anyone reading this is remote...in fact, the only way that someone reading this will know me and the subject matter is about as likely as the Maple Leaf's making the playoffs...maybe its this lack of outside attention, which is the reason why I've decided to right this all down...maybe a few months or years from now, I'll be able to look back at this and smile and see how funny all of this is...this is almost like a vault where my true feelings and thoughts can be kept safe from the world...maybe in the electronic sea of information called the Internet, I'll find an island of calm and a safe harbor for my true feelings...

Maybe she wasn't my true love...maybe it wasn't love at all...let me back up a bit and explain my rather depressing statement in more clarity...

Before we begin, let me say that when it comes to this subject, I kinda, every once in while, on occasion, when I get the ball rolling, ramble on and on...past and present tense goes right out the window and so don't get freaked out if you notice some grammatical errors...again, I'm probably going to be the only person who will ever read this and so I guess I'm just warning my future self of my past self's tendency to ramble...anyways, let the flood gates open and enjoy...

Back in University, I had met a woman that we'll call Betty...Betty was, for lack of a better word, amazing...she was the friend of an acquaintance who I met purely by coincidence...normally, when I describe how we met, I usually go into the amazing first few months we shared together and people would see how great we were...but lets just say that I had found what I thought was true love...she was two years my junior but decades my senior in maturity and intelligence...but, how often do you meet a couple in which the guy is more mature then the woman?...Betty's personal life helped shape and mold her into the independent woman that she was and in many respects, had she had a more stable personal life, things might have turned out a little different in our relationship (NOTE: I'm by no means saying that her personal life was the cause of my pessimistic turn away from love...in fact, its most likely the other way around...what I mean by my previous statement is that her personal life experiences made her the somewhat cynical, uber-indepedently minded woman who viewed our lives together completely different from my own...it is my belief that had she a more stable and similar parental-guided childhood, her and I would have been of exact mentality and maybe have remained together)...I'll explain more about why I said that, but for now, let me just say that her personality was like a breath of fresh air to me...

Betty's personality can be described in one word, but there is no word to properly define it...she is absolutely an extrovert...in fact, extrovert is probably the best word to use when talking about her...she is the kind of woman who loves to be the centre of attention in any social gathering and, while she enjoys the love and adoration, she also was mature enough to know when to listen...she is, quite easily, the most intelligent woman I've ever known...she could converse with anyone in almost any subject, and while she never claimed to know things she didn't, her natural curiousity and wit led many to believe that she in fact knew more then she did...her kindness was beyond words, often she would stop and talk to the less-then fortunate people she would randomly encounter in the downtown core...when a friend or acquaintance was the victim of an accident or crime, she would be the first person to express her condolences and seek out a way to provide any kind of support or assistance...Love is another word that is often associated with her...her love for life, for her work, her cats, her family and friends, her independence and individuality are so integral to her well-being that she tries to love them all equally...

Where was I?...oh yes, Betty....why is that everytime I think of her, feelings of love, longing and sadness are accompanied by flashes of rage and anger?...are the negative emotions just me being upset with myself for still thinking that there is a chance with Betty?...maybe, but I do know that some of my rage is definitely directed at Betty...thing is, she never did anything directly bad to me...its not like she cheated on me with another guy (although the cynic in me is screaming that I really don't know if she didn't)...no, I really don't believe she cheated on me with another person but I do believe that she did cheat on us and in the end, cheated on me...pretty harsh thinking, huh?...yeah it is...and a part of me kinda regrets actually writing that down...it seems very juvenile and inappropriate, especially when describing Betty...all of my friends became her friends, and so now that we are no longer a cohesive unit, my friends find themselves torn between two lovers...thing is, none of my friends are people who mince words and emotions, and thats a good thing...they have remained loyal to both parties and I'm happy about that...I think one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time getting over this is because someone told me that Betty had been feeling like this for a very long time, a year almost, and as such, by the time we did break up, she had gotten over the really bad stuff...this naturally leads my simpleton mind on a path of reasoning that goes like this: if she had already wanted to break up with me a year ago, then that means everything in the past few months has been tainted in a lie...a lie, whether great or small, is still a lie and even though claims have been made that her words of love and affection to me were made out of sincerity, one can't help but feel that there was a little line of doubt within them...so why is that she can be over me and have all my friends be happy and go out with and I'm a pathetic loser who constantly brings her up, much to the annoyance of my few remaining colleagues...

All my life, I have had moments were I have felt alone and unsupported by people and things...my life is my own and I've made peace with my current success and attainment of future glory...yet why is that the one person I want to share this joy and happiness with in the whole world, wants nothing to do with me?...why does this person find me as attractive as a member of her own sex?...why does this person say that she no longer feels the same way and have the same passion as I do?...why does this person then ask me not to take this personally?...why does Betty not love me?

Life is like a bug floating in the wind...sometimes you are floating high, free on the currents of fate...other times, you are banged against rocks and other painful objects...the key is to enjoy the good moments, to accept the bad times and to make each moment count...

I will no longer feel like a victim...I will no longer dwell on the what-if's...I will no longer wonder if my life has lost meaning for I know that meaning lies within your own actions...I will choose to act on this pain...I will choose to quell my rage...I will choose to find happiness...I will choose to find peace...I will choose to let myself love again...

Why can't we just hit each other and get it over with?

I think I was born in the wrong era...

There are times when it takes every ounce of my strength not to lunge out and strike the person next to me right in their face...I'm not a peach to deal with and, I know that at times, I can be very difficult to stomach...but when I'm wrong, I admit it and I'll apologize if its necessary...some people it seems, just don't recognize this fact and view my willingness to accept responsibility and move on as a sign of weakness...am I stubborn?...absolutely...am I sullen and have a tendency to brood at times?...unfortunately so...but over the years, I have tried to be patient and understanding of people around me, and so it really irks me when I have to deal with people who don't have the common courtesy to just move on...

Case in point, I have a problem with how a certain situation has unfolded in front of me...although things have reached a conclusion, and the possible remedy is actually better then what we started off with, I just can't seem to get over how all of this concluded...people have mentioned that I can be aggressive and over-bearing but you know what I say to that?...oh well...I think I was born in the wrong era...

Why can't we ever go back to society that is based solely on the honor code?...is it really that difficult to organize, institute and maintain?...I guess so seeing as it doesn't really exist outside of a few countries, and even then those countries aren't first world nations, which begs the question: why is that the countries that claim to be 'better' are not following the common sense, moral duty and ethical beacon that a properly defined honor system can produce?...I can hear my friend now saying 'what the hell do you mean properly defined honor system, and who will determine this definition?"...answer, me...I know, I know, that makes no sense and I'm definitely not the person who should define what is right and wrong with my background and history...but you know what, although I've never claimed to be a saint, I have always thought of myself as someone who has followed a moral compass for most of his life and is someone who could be counted on for doing the right thing...apparently thats not so...

I find myself sitting in front of my computer, writing down the shame I've been put through due to whatever reason caused it...these last few weeks have not been the best for me; with the end of a long-term relationship, my mother going for surgery, my integrity publically challenged, being physically challenged to a few scuffles and were that not enough, to be called a coward being the worst of my charges...all my life, I've had people take advantage of me or count me out due to my naivity or ability to view important decisions in my life in a monochromatic way...I'm tired of having people claim to care or love me, only to turn 180 degrees and say things to me that should never be said...I can say with utmost confidence and certainty that I have not done what has happened to me as of late, and so maybe that is why I'm so confused as to why its happening to me...I'm a big believer in Karma, and that is why I have no worries when people try to pick a fight with me because I know that when push comes to shove, I can shove back...again, this goes back to my original question of why I can't just reach out and hit people...I have done some bad things and some less the questionable things, but I have never doen anything that would question my honor or sense of integrity...and yet, in the span of a few weeks, people have been dissecting me, piece by piece, as if I was a steak waiting to have the fat cut off the edges....

My heart is broken...I see the pieces before me...I know how to put them back together and I know where the adhesive is to mend my shattered soul...and for all the claims I make of being a logical, pragmatic person, I can't seem to get past the fact that I should be happy for the situation I'm in now...I can see the end of the tunnel, I truly can...I can view a portrait of serenity and peace, of resound happiness waiting for me at the other end of the tunnel of life...yet whenever my mind drifts back to the reality that is the prison my soul finds itself in, I once again become angry and depressed and all I want to do is just hit things and people...I know that these feelings are just my own insecurities and fears trying to manifest themselves, and if I give into them, then I truly will be doing a dishonorable act...

A patient of mine told me that I should focus on all of the negative things from my relationship...his reasoning was that people have a tendency to think of all the good things and, before they know it, a fantastical dream appears in which all things seems to be honkey doorey, when in actual fact, the negative things help focus your thoughts and keep them real...although this probably goes against the normal line of thinking, I have to admit that it has helped me through some pretty bad moments...there have been times during the day in which I have daydreamed of a happier time and before I knew it, I would start getting those feelings of longing and loss and I would spiral into a spin of patheticness...but now, when I feel these emotions and feelings starting to build, I say an little affirmation to myself and I get angry again, and my daydream disappears...

You wanna know what my affirmation is?

"I'm not a bad person...I've done nothing wrong...I deserve someone who will love me like I love them...I will be happy...I will not hit or kill anyone"...ok, I threw in the last bit, but everything else is true

My life at the beginning...Chapter IX: The End of One Life and the Start of Another

Finally, my last year of High School...break out the Champagne, get the streamers and noise makers ready, because this boy is coming home...if home meant returning to a place that wasn't the cesspool of hell that my last few years had been, then yes, lets go home...but before that would happen, there were a few matters I had to take care of first...

Because I had fast-tracked the more difficult courses, my OAC year was a piece of cake...in fact, I had 2 spares on most days and 3 on Fridays...my course load was smoking...I think the hardest course I had in OAC was Individual Sports, and that was only because I had to play our resident basketball superstar in Ping Pong most of the time...

Speaking of my table tennis opponent, let me say a few words about him...he was easily the tallest person I had ever met...but his smile was bigger then his size, and that was the one quality of his that I always remembered...he was a good man who deserved all of the accolades he received...he got accepted to a great Basketball school, and that was pretty much the last thing I heard about him...unfortunately, things didn't quite work out for him, he never made the NBA, but I'm sure wherever he is, he's happy...I wish him good fortune in life...

With my academic future on hiatus, I was in a position where I could start to make social relationships and start doing things that I really felt passionate about...I began doing more of my Martial Arts training and really got into sparring...in fact, I was even able to enter some competitions and I did pretty well for the most part...thanks to my body type, I never had any broken bones or serious injuries...I had the occasional black eye or large bruise, but nothing that would be horrible...my parents never found out about this, they always felt that fighting was a bad thing and I'm sure they wouldn't have approved...I used to tell them that my injuries were due to me playing football and they believed me...I went and saw so many movies (even more then I usually did) and did the whole 'hang out in malls' thing that all teenagers do...that ended pretty quickly as I had very little money and no posse to hang out with...I thought that ladies loved guys who worked out, so I decided to start working out in the gym in the hopes of making myself buff for the new year...with my eyes set on winning the hearts of ladies everywhere with my sexy physique, I decided that my first goal would be to win the love of the one lady I really cared about...yup, you guessed it...the question was, where do I begin?...the biggest problem was that she had graduated the year before and was no longer at our school...however, she did come by on occasion and seeing as she still had many friends at school, there was a chance that she would be back more often then not...

When she had returned from her unexpected vacation, she had gained a nice, rich copper tan, one that just made you go "oh mama!"...to be prepared for a surprise visit and for any other spontaneous retreat, I kept my network intact, and I had my sources reaching out and trying to get me as much information as possible...can you guess the kind of treasure trove of goodies they found me?...nothing, zilch, nada...they told me nothing...how can you not know anything about someone you hang out with four days of the week?...like I said earlier, they weren't necessarily the sharpest knives in the block...so I thought that it was time for me and my new found confidence to go out and make my presence known to her...I had so many things I wanted to say to her that I decided to write everything down and that way not leave anything out and also to now spaz out in front of her...I wrote out a two page letter, which I still have today, that basically outlined my thoughts, feelings and honorable intentions...you know the movie "Can't Hardly Wait", well, I was the guy...the things he wrote about and felt about, towards his lady love, were the things that I felt and written about...there have only been two women in my life who have brought out these feelings...and though I was able to share them with one and not with the other, unlike the movie, our hero doesn't get the girl...

My forays in to the world of physical activity produced much fruit, and I was really starting to bulk up and get into shape...I never had a six-pack, but I was at least getting some solid muscle on me and I really did begin to gain confidence in my appearance...as the year drew to an end, I was glad for it to be over...I had been accepted into all of my choices for University, and I had decided on attending York University...at the time, my reasoning was that I didn't want to risk blowing my first year and spending almost three times the amount of money when I could get the same kind of degree at a closer school for a fraction of the cost...maybe I did the right thing, maybe I didn't...another reason was that I was still under the belief that I was going to win the girl and that going away to school might not be the best way to start off my dream relationship... I had edited and rewritten the letter so many times, I had begun to forget parts of it...I would wake up in the night, with a new sentiment or theory of her life and as I would sit down and write it out, I would realize that I had already done that the night before...I was losing it, and the sooner I gave her my letter, let her read it, and allow her the dignity to fall in love with me, the sooner I would regain my sanity...

After much debate, the date was set...Codenamed Operation 'Get the Girl' was to commence on March 1...M-Day, as it was later remembered, was going to be an exercise of military precision and had all the chance of being the turning point in this great war of love...I printed out two copies of the letter (by the way, I still have the letter and on occasion read it just so I can realize how pathetically in love I was) just in case the first one was lost, the other one would be flanking its position, ready to move in and rescue the day...finding the right entry point was key, pick the wrong time or place to introduce this literary masterpiece, and it could be brushed aside like leaves in the wind...I picked this day because it was a Friday, leaving me with much of the day to plan and pick the appropriate moment, and I wanted her to have the weekend to digest the heavy sentiment found in my declaration of adoration...I initially was going to discreetly drop the letter into her mailbox, ring the door bell, wait behind the tree in her front yard, let her find it & read it, look around in case she could spot who wrote it, and then let nature take its course...but, this Hero didn't do that because I had channeled the spirit of Don Juan DeMarco himself, and he told me that there was a better way...I didn't want to do the whole candy lettergram thing that I saw someone else do a year before...what I wanted to do was to ring her doorbell, stand before her in my best suit, look into her eyes and say "Hello, I hope I'm not bothering you, but I was wondering if you spare a few moments of your time and afford me an audience?...I really wanted to congratulate you on your graduation with honors and I also wanted to say good luck to you at University of Toronto: Scarborough...the reason why I've rung you today was because I wanted to just tell you how much you've affected me in my life...I want to say thank you for your kindness and your friendship and also that, although I know you are in a relationship, that I have had a little crush on you and that it would be better that I tell you this, as opposed to never sharing this information...I have a letter here for you, which expresses some of my thoughts and feelings about you, I'm sorry for being a little nervous, but this is kinda nerve-wracking for me....if you decide to read it, great, if not, no worries...I just wanted to give it to you, and give you the choice...thank you for your time, your patience and I would like to wish a good journey in life...thanks!"...pretty decent, I guess....maybe not as smooth as Don Juan, but at least I wasn't a total loser...unfortunately, everything that I just wrote was what I wanted to say...I never did say it...I chickened out at the last minute...I was going to leave the letter on her front door, but at the last minute, I decided not to...I even had a friend find out her email address, and had transferred the letter into email format, and was about to press send, when an unexpected 'computer problem' resulted in it not being sent...

I left High School a better person, a person who had endured the hardships of discrimination, ignorance and social exclusion...I had made a few good friends, experienced a lot of wonderful things and became a better person...but as I walked out of the front doors, never wanting to return again, I felt that my true hero test; my Unicorn, was a failure and that I basically failed at this stage in my life...As I got home, I said to myself "University is going to be different...I'm going to have fun, to have friends and the next time I feel this way about a woman, I will not be afraid to tell her"...

I then took a shower and went to bed, awaiting the next part of my journey...

My life at the beginning...Chapter VIII: Karma is a harsh mistress!

To fight and conquer in all of your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting

In order to prove to my worth, I must first show why life would me would be significantly better then with the other guy...first things first, I need to scout the enemy, record any weaknesses and look for weak spots...If I could only figure out how to find out his name without arrising suspicion...

Although I was vaguely familiar with her inner social circle of female hotness, that option was a not a good choice...although they were hot, intelligent and, most likely, genuinely good people, they weren't the nicest to young, single, impressionable guys...I guess that because they were hot, they must have been hit on by a lot of pathetic guys and so they naturally developed a force field of bitchiness...plus, I had apparently used up my one question when I spoke with Young, so I was out of choices...I had to go and approach the guys in the group; the bag holders and openers of doors...if you could have seen these guys, you would have laughed...they were either the stereotypical Greek/Italian, Camero driving, Marlboro smoking douchebag or the slick-back haired, pigeon-toed walking, Du Maurier smoking Chinese douchebag...in either case, they were useless, funny looking, possesors of huge chips on their soldiers and constantly think they were cooler then anyone else...talking with them was going to be difficult because compared to them, I was the exact opposite...although I wasn't as pretty as they were, I was certain my pinky was smarter then their entire group intellect, so I had to use my brain on this one...how do you get what you want from morons?...treat them like dogs and go Pavlov on them...I started off small, introducing myself and bringing a tasty little treat (usually a couple of smokes or some candy) to get over the whole "I don't know" phase...after I earned their confidence, I slowly weaned them off the treats, but their response to me remained the same...after a while, they began acknowledging me when I would walk past, or when they needed help in class, they would ask me...things were starting to fall into place, all I had to do was ask the right questions, and I'd be ready for battle...

After a few weeks, I had gathered my intel...I knew the guys name, where he lived, where he went to school and more importantly, how to kill him...ok, maybe not the last part, but that kind of info would have been helpful...I remember the day I found out his name, I said to myself "oh crap...this is why Karma is a harsh mistress!"...back when I was in Grade 2, I was often picked on in school for my round, fuzzy appearance...I was short, had a mini-chinafro, chubby as an overweight cat and just as fuzzy...although I was cute in picture form, to other kids, I was the perfect target for daily ridiculing and randam moments of violence...thankfully, I could defend myself and so I quickly made any attacker sorry and wonder why they ever decided to drop gloves with me...there was one day when I was playing on the steps of portable when three guys came over to me and started to bother me...they were in the later grades, and thought that they were hot shit....they began with simple enough name calling, and when I tried to leave, they blocked my way and began to push me...thats when I went baby Hercules on them and started throwing punches...being a lot shorter then them, all I was doing was punching up, but I remember hearing a crunch sound followed by a "oh my god, you broke my nose!"...I didn't break his nose, I just made it bleed, but since he was a bully, he had no real guts and he quickly left me alone...fast forward ten years or so, and we find ourselves about to find out the name to the mystery man...I couldn't believe it...there must be a mistake...there is no way they man she is dating, the man she has gone away with is the same man who was a faceless coward; a man with no honor...no mistake, ladies and gentlemen, our lady has fallen in love with the enemy...that sucks!

After finding out this devastating bit of information, I decided that maybe I should concentrate on school for the time being, seeing as it was close to year's end and I was still trying to apply for University...I was in a rut, my mind was constantly going over all the details, wondering if I had lost a once in a lifetime opportunity and how I could have done things differently...I needed to keep myself busy, and I even agreed to help choreograph the Martial Arts demonstration at the World Tour event being held at the end of the school year...another big reason why I agreed to do it was because one of the producers was one of the two people I actually considered friends, and so it was a favor to her...so I did it and I have to admit, it was a lot of fun...sure, one of the highlights of the show was watching my goddess and her posse of hot angels prancing around in Chinese and Korean traditional garb...ok, for the sake of culture and honor, I will pay attention...

My fourth year had come to a close, and with the exception of finding out that little bit of bad news, it wasn't too bad...I finally felt that things had turned around and that entering my final year of study would prove to be my best year yet...

My life at the beginning...Chapter VII: My time in the sun with a goddess

The goal of our presentation was to do a drama scene in which we were to answer "what happens next?"...this scene was based upon a list of books and it was designed for groups of two to three people...since my group was composed of five, there was to be one group of three and one group of two...on the day we were assigned this project, only one person was not there...at the time, I didn't know that it was my goddess but we all decided that whoever it was, I would be partnered with that person...let me paint a picture for you...imagine a young man, sitting at his desk waiting to find out who his partner was for an important class project...a project that was worth half of our final grade...now, I was not nor am I now, a comfortable drama actor and so I was hoping that at least whoever it was, they would be better then I...lets start with a slow pan down, focus in on the face of your Hero, and slowly pulling back, showing the entire class and everyone there...cut to a hallway where a pair of high heel shoes are clicking their way down it....move back to the class and you can start to see the anticipation on my face...anticipation or anxiety?...either or, a slow sweat begins to build, a single drop of sweat trickle down the side of my face...back to the high heel shoes, the camera begins to pan up, first you see a pair of smooth legs, followed by a sexy short skirt, a red jacket....back to my face where I'm now looking towards the door, my hands shaking slightly and I gulp in the hopes of clearing my throat...knock, knock, knock...the door opens, a blinding beam of light bursts through the door...sweet music from the heavens above floods the room causing everything, including our own heart beats, to slow down...out of nowhere, a white dove flies across my field of vision, and when I look at the person at the door, a quick shot of my face shows a face of pure astonishment and joy...who can this be?...who could command such a presence that even Father Time himself would stop and say "Damn!"...you got it, my goddess...oh blessed, thy name is Kao...end scene...

I forget what book we chose, but I do remember the scene we mapped out...we pretended to be a married couple who was experiencing hard times...the book was about the tribulations of an Irish family trying to survive and make a living out in the open plains of Oaklahoma...yes, and two chinese people were about to play an Irish family...yes, sounds ridiculous, but seeing as we were the last group formed, our choices were quite limited...nonetheless, we embraced this idea, and I felt that it would be important if we started working on it immediately, so as to do well...We would stay after school and go over our little scene, trying to make it more believable and still trying to stay true to the storyline and subtext found in the book...because I was in some of her other classes, I finally had an avenue to start conversing with her randomly without looking like some kind of stalker...it was awesome...I would walk up to her in our Science & Society class, sit down next to her and start talking about the project, and she would talk back...do you know whats it like to actually talk to your dream?...sure, we spoke only in terms of school and there was no social or intimate conversations had, but I took this is a sign...baby steps towards the greater goal; the goal being the eventual earning of respect of trust from her, leading to me asking her out...oh yeah, I had played it out a million times in my mind and I thought it would work out...If you know me now, I'm sure you can guess how it turned out...after two months of painstaking rehearsals and constant rewrites to the script, we were about as ready as can be for our big day...in one of my greater moments, I was able to work in a hug and a peck on the cheek into the script...yes, it sounds a little pathetic, but dude, you have no idea how excited I was...too bad we couldn't practice the peck a little more often, I'm a believer in practice makes perfect, but I think Michelle felt it was good enough...we decided that our presentation would be set in the home of the family, shortly after it ends, discussing the lost of a loved one and the increasin burdens of financial debt and back crops...not to be narcissistic, but I think I was spectacular...sure, I forgot a few lines here and there, but I was able to ad-lib a few interesting variations...actually, I sucked ass and I think one of my ad-lib moments including the words "dude" in it...not exactly historically accurate but I felt that it kep the pace of the show going...maybe I'm slightly biased, but I think Michelle was sensational...looking all sexy in a homely, Anne of Green Gable, kind of way...don't you find it weird that sometimes the more conservative and covered up a beautiful woman is, the sexier and hotter they appear?...

After the presentation was done, it was a few weeks till the Holiday break, and so I thought that this would be a great time to spring my trap!...ok, that sounds a little harsh, what I meant to say is that this would have been a perfect time for me to lay the ground work for a wonderful relationship... better?...the only problem is, no one bothered to tell her of my ideas for romance...I had the whole thing figured out...I would non-chalently approach her, say thanks for working together on the presentation, and ask her what her holiday plans were...after she would tell me what she had planned, which by the way I already found (I had asked a few of her friends in a discreet manner), I would something like "well, perhaps you would like to get a cup of coffee or catch a movie some time?"...good plan, huh?...I thought so...the day after I came up with this pearl of a plan, I walked into the cafeteria in hopes of finding the future Mrs Wu...she wasn't there, but her friend Young was and so decided to ask her where she was...on a side note, like I said earlier, beautiful, intelligent women hang out with beautiful, intelligent women, and Young was no exception...to this day, I don't remember many things of High School, but I do remember names and faces, and a name and face and body like Young's was a hard thing to forget...unfortunately, she wasn't as nice as my goddess was and when I asked her where I could find Michelle, she told me in a rather brisk and cold way that she had gone away on an early vacation with her boyfriend and wouldn't be back till the New Year...

I was devastated...she had a boyfriend...you may be wondering how in my research, I could have missed this huge and blaring obstacle in my future hopes of marrying this women and all I can say is, oops...I never asked that question, although I probably knew she had a boyfriend...I guess I was just naive and dreaming that someone like her would want to be with me while in a relationship...I guess too many movies had warped my fragile little mind...I took this blow as a hero's test and decided that forewarned is forearmed...I set out to find out as much as I could about my enemy, because as Sun Tzu always said "if your enemy is sercure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is tempermental, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, seperate them. If sovereign and subject are in accord, put division between them. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected." I needed to find a way to put a divide between him and my goddess, while at the same time appear innocent of this...I was not going to give him any rest; if he wanted to be with my future wife, then damnit, he better work for it every single day...

Let the games begin!

My life at the beginning…Chapter VI: Welcome to Purgatori, I’ll be your guide!

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.

I read the “Art of War” by Sun Tzu back in grade 9…I was intrigued by a book that was written by a Chinese fellow over two thousand years ago, but is still applicable today…so many people use the words and teachings of this man in their daily lives, whether its in business, politics and sports, that even in this modern age of technology his words resonate even more then it did back when he lived…the Art of War is almost a guide, filled with interpretations and alternative ways at looking at warfare and all of the administrative parts of it, and applying it to your life…it is because of this general yet specific way of making sense of things, that its teachings can be applied to pretty much anything…

It was the summer before my fourth year in Bethune…I had be ostracized by my so-called ‘friends’, deemed unworthy by the social outcasts of companionship and was beginning to feel that nothing could make me feel worse…although I had decided to bounce back and take control of my life again, I needed a sign…something that would provide that spark of inspiration, a moment clarity that would indeed allow me to refocus my thoughts and move forward…as I mentioned before, its funny how after so many years of growing up, experiencing life and traveling thousands of miles, I once again find myself in the same emotional pit of loneliness…the only difference about me today vs. me of yesterday, is that although I feel sad and alone, I have confidence in myself and know that things will be better…but back then, I didn’t have this strength and I really needed an outlet to express my feelings…that’s why I’m fortunate now to have this blog option, because writing down my experiences, thoughts and feelings is very therapeutic…

Whoever is first in the field and awaits the coming of the enemy, will be fresh for the fight; whoever is second in the field and has to hasten to battle will arrive exhausted.

Going back to my story, I was restless and I needed a sign…I decided that instead of taking the school bus, I was going to get there early and be ready for whatever my first day of school had to offer…I had already gone through registration and so I knew where my classes were…I was in a good position, felt comfortable and was beginning to think that things wouldn’t be so bad…this year was going to be an interesting one in that I had fast-tracked some of the mandatory classes such as English and Math and I was going to be doing Co-op…that meant that for a few days of the week, I would be out in the working world and not at a place full of hate and awkwardness…but the most exciting part of this year was that I would be in three classes with Ms. Michelle Kao…wow, even today I still get goose bumps when I say her name out loud…in the first few weeks of school, things were pleasant…instead of eating lunch in the cafeteria, I decided to move into the library…our library had two conference rooms and so I started going there at lunch time to eat lunch and to just escape from the constant clucking that I heard everywhere…I had a spare after lunch and so for two and half hours a day, I was allowed to just sit back, read a book, do some work or even sleep without having to feel bad…in my previous year, I had met two girls in my English class…they were very nice, incredibly smart and more importantly, they actually seemed to enjoy my company…so, when I started hiding in the library, I invited them to join me in my little sanctuary…they took me up on my offer and for the rest of the year, lunch was once again enjoyable and relaxed…it didn’t hurt either that I was surrounded by three girls most of the time, but those are just minor details…

For Co-op, I had decided to pursue the science option and I was placed at Centenary Health Centre…I was sent to the Nuclear Medicine Department where I was assigned as an assistant to the technicians of that department…I was lucky enough that my supervisor had students there before and had an actual game plan of things for me to do…years later, when I would have my own young student’s mind to mold and shape, I found out that it was a lot harder to keep him busy then I thought…it was a great time, I learned a lot about radioisotopes, stress tests, setting up IV’s and how to avoid the kick of an 84 year old cancer patient who doesn’t want to be in a scanner for two hours…another great part of my experience at the hospital was that my supervisor was able to get me into different departments and experience different facets of Hospital life…I got to work in the ER, ICU, neonatal, physical rehab, biotechnology, pharmacy, psychiatric and I even got to witness a quadruple bypass surgery, a knee replacement, a nose job and a left leg amputation…as a young student and someone who hadn’t made a decision about his future, this was an eye-opening time, one filled with sights, smells and sounds that proved to be the most invaluable learning time of my life…

I was finally starting to feel like things were getting better…lunches were fun again, three days a week, I was at a place that gave my life a new perspective, and more importantly, I had lucked out and was placed in an English presentation group with two superhot ladies, a jock douche and my goddess…could things get any better?...apparently not, but they can certainly get a hell of a lot worse…

My life at the beginning...Chapter V: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

So, you can imagine the look on my face when I'm sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch when I look up and see his face at the door, looking for his newest 'friend'...and can you guess who he fixes his gaze on in a room that had at least 300 people in it?...I'll give you three guesses, but you'll only need one...nope, it wasn't the derriere-enhanced Power Booty nor my Unicorn, although if he did pick, I would have had to defended her honor from the scourge that was him...Nope, the lucky victim was yours truly...I had hit the jackpot in the "Let's screw your life" sweepstakes and boy was I about to collect...in retrospect, perhaps I could have been a little nicer, or more understanding or shown more compassion to him...I mean, he was as much of a social out cast as I was back when I started in school, except the main difference between us was that I had worked very hear to earn the respect and trust of my meager band of acquaintances and friends...so, when he came up to, slammed his hand on my back and proceeded to speak in a louder then needed voice that I was his best friend from Elementary school, and that my friends were now his friends, I was a little upset and stunned by that...for the next month and a half, I avoided him like the plague...I would literally walk around the school, outside in the freezing cold if necessary, just to avoid any unnecessary eye contact...this was starting to get a little ridiculous, but I didn't know what else to do...however, things began to get worse for him when he started to pull the same old tired tricks he did back in Elementary school with a new group of people...remember how I said that there was a group of individuals that weren't necessarily the nicest of people?...well, they certainly didn't help the situation by being themselves, for very quickly, everyone began to know and hate this guy...it wasn't like he deseved to be hated, but he was very annoying...so annoying in fact, that only his ability to be emotionally exhausting and totally frustrating, eclipsed his annoying super-power...but was hating him truly necessary?...in any case, as random people began treating him badly and without any kind of respect, his actions and statements began to get louder and more embellished....

It was a Tuesday afternoon, and I was sitting in the cafeteria eating a homemade burger that was lovingly made the night before...dude, it was an awesome burger, its too bad my mom doesn't make them anymore...they were an inch think, filled with onion and mushrooms and both juicy yet firm...mmmmm....sorry, where was I?...oh yes, the burger...so yeah, I was eating lunch with my friends when in HE came...he sat down next to my friend and then began to start talking about random things that had absolutely no bearing on us or the topics we were talking about...all of a sudden, he decides to stand up from the table and give someone on the other side of the table something from his bag...now, why he didn't do this seated, I'll never know, but he stands up and somehow, someway, he is able to not only push the table away, but he knocks over his own chair, which in turn trips the person walking behind us and causes food to be flung all over us...I swear, it was straight out of a comedy, and I probably would have laughed it off were it not for the fact that I was covered in beef barley soup and sadly, my burger was ruined...we all turned towards this guy, and instead of getting some kind of apology, he starts laughing and even asks us to huddle together for a picture for the yearbook...this angers my friend, and he answers the request by pushing him into the table pretty hard...as he's falling into the table, he boucnes into, to which I grab his shoulder and deflect him to my right, causing him to spin around a couple of times and fall to the ground...now, I was pissed and had it not been for the teachers coming over to see what all the commotion was all about, I probably would have gone Jihad on him...but I didn't and I remember him being helped up by a teacher, yelling at us that we had hurt his neck and that he was going to sue us and have us all put into jail for assault...like I said, I was pissed and so I pushed the teacher who was holding me aside and grabbed the chair he was sitting on from behind...I spun it around and placed my palm on his head and said "your head hurts?...are you sure it hurts?...because you are a liar and you are lying now like you always did back in elementary school...you want pain, I'll make sure you neck really hurts"...apparently, that constitutes a 'threat' (go figure) and I was dragged away by two teachers and sent directly to the Principals office...I remember sitting outside his office, with my friend who started the whole mess, waiting to be seen...my friend went first to see the Principal and after about 5 minutes, he came out looking a little disheveled, but nonetheless alright...I was told that while my friend was being suspended for three days, I was being suspended for one week because I attacked a fellow student, uttered a threat and was the cause of the whole fight...hold on, wait a sec...was I just being blamed for the whole thing?...I said, "excuse me, although I admit to uttering the threat and I did push him off me when he was falling, it was the other guy who started the whole thing!...the guy didn't believe me and I was summarily sent home with no explanation whatsoever....

Let me tell you, I was pissed...I called my friend, but he never picked up the phone...I wanted to speak to him and say "dude, what happened?...you sold me out!...how could you blame me for starting this whole thing?"...I had felt that my honor was being attacked and I take that very seriously...I found out a few years later, that he told the Principal he was trying to break up the fight and was inadvertently brought into it...he aid taht I had started the whole thing and that because I was an old 'friend' of his and we had history, that I had a grudge against him... thankfully, I found this out after I was done school, otherwise I probably would have been suspended again...When I went back to school a week later, I assumed that things would return back to normal but, instead, I was greeted with the sweet sound of silence...no one would speak with me...no one would stand next to me in line for the bus or sit with me at lunch...if I tried to initiate a conversaton or walk towards people, the talks would stop relatively quickly and people would start to move away from me...apparently, the consensus was that I was the cause of the SAC's newest member to be suspended and that hanging out with me was a sure fire way of getting into trouble...I felt like it was my first day of High School again, being attacked by my own personal welcoming committe and being hung out to dry...it took pretty much the rest of the school year before people started to 'forgive me', but by this time, I had decided that I didn't need them and that I would rather watch every single person (minus my Unicorn and brother) burn in a lake of fire before I would raise my finger to help...

On a quick side note, there are only two people that I still talk with from High School...they were the only peole who genuinely cared about me and even during all of the highs and lows, they stood by me and offered whatever assistance they could...if I have any positive memories of Bethune, their friendship to me is near the top, just below those of my Unicorn, of course...they know who they are, and I make sure that every change I get, I tell them how important they are to me...

I was falling into a pit of dispair and darkness...this darkness was partially of my own doing, but I truly felt that I was getting the short end of the stick...I faced a critical decision: do I quit now and go to a different High School where I can start again or, do I show these so-called 'friends' what a pissed-off Wu can do when he has nothing to lose?

Funny how eight years later, I would be faced with a similar decisioin...