I don't care what people say, but April is a great month full of awesome weather...the beginning of Spring and April showers are all wonderful things...with that said, our first on-water practice was not the best of weather...in fact, I think there was a slight overcast and the water was only a few degrees cooler then the land and so it was pretty cold...my guys were ready, I could see it in there faces...the standing rule in my boat is that if we go under, you are to first save me, El Capitan...I didn't think I'd ever have to exact said rule, but I'm glad I said it before we paddled out...our steersperson at the time was a first timer, and on this day, he had invited a friend of his who had a lot of experience and would coach him through the finer points of steering...
Prior to starting, I spoke with the lifeguards and they told me that because the practice lanes were being used for the World Junior Rowing Championships, that our practice space was reduced...he advised us that instead of head east, like we normally did, that we were to head west and that we were allowed to go about 100m up the Humber River...normally, the Humber River is very choppy, but according to the lifeguards, they said that it was unusually calm and that it would be no problem...yeah right...so, we took their advice and we headed on west...the practice started off well, we were getting the feel of the boat, and the team seemed to be getting into it...as we approached the mouth of the Humber, I stopped the boat and decided to give everyone a chance to compose themselves before things got worse...with everyone ready and eager to prove themselves, we set off up the Humber...right from the beginning, I knew that this was totally wrong...due to the break walls in the practice areas, there is very little waves and the absolute worse parts are only between 1-2 feet in height...these are very simple and manageable waves, things that rarely would cause concern even amongst a non-swimmer such as myself...however, on this day while riding the Humber, the waves were in excess of 5-6 feet in height...huge chop means lots of paddles missing the water leads to people panicking and sliding all over the place which in turn causes people to slam their paddles into the water as hard as possible bringing tons of water into the boat...after about 100m, the water actually calmed a bit and we stopped paddling...we were next to three other dragon boat teams and two all-female rowing teams...we were pretty shook up but I was so proud of my guys...we took our time bailing out our boats and decided that perhaps we should just head on back and go in circles along the safer areas of the practice lanes...the first rule of paddling in chop is to never stop paddling...don't freak out and just paddle hard right through it...I said to my guys that they needed psyche themselves up and make sure that they never quit paddling until we reached the safety of the breakwall...to envision our route home properly, think of it this way...we were in the middle of the Humber River...100m south of us was were the river opens up into Lake Ontario...the practice race lanes, our sanctuary, is on a slight angle (around 50 degrees to the left)...so all we had to do was to paddle straight down and cut straight into the practice lanes...if we went wide enough, then only a slight course correction would be necessary to get us into the practice lane and we would be safe and sound...we bailed out all of the water in the boat and we were ready to go...I spoke to the other teams, and we all decided that if we all went together, it probably would be best...my team decided to go third, after the rowers and one dragon boat team and followed by the other team...and off we went, we were doing well, lots of chop, but I was able to get everyone to trust in themselves and we paddled hard...sure, me yelling that I will kill anyone who stops paddling can be construied as strong motivator, but whatever it takes...I told everyone to keep their eyes focused in the boat and to not worry about making it back...as I looked up to check our progress, I could see the break wall coming up and I knew that we were going to make it...we had about 30m to go when I noticed that we were going really wide to the entrance...I think our steersperson was afraid that our course was too sharp and he was afraid we would strike the shoreline...whatever the case may be, we went wide, really wide...so wide in fact that by the time we reached the mouth of the practice lane, we had turned almost 90 degrees...at this point, we were parallel with the waves instead of perpendicular...crash, crash, crash...wave after wave of water filled the boat, but we kept on paddling...it wasn't until the water had reached my hip did I realize that we were going under...everyone bailed out of the boat and we were floating like plastics dummies in Lake Ontario...thankfully, my team remembered our first rule and they saved me first...as we were being dragged to safety, our drummer was able to capture two pictures that she later sold to the newspapers...we weren't the only team that went under at that spot...one of the all-women rowing teams and another dragon boat team were all victimized by the rushing water...
The Harbor police were right there and so we were rescued very shortly after sinking...we got split up and some of us, myself included, got sent to see the ambulances near the Harbor police's dock...the rest of the team was taken back to the docks where they were cleared to go...as for myself, I was just a little cold and enjoyed the opportunity of riding inside the ambulance...after about an hour, we made it back to Sunnyside and were greeted by a news crew...some of us were filmed for a little segment and the rest of us got to bask in our 15 minutes of fame...
However, this fame was short lived as we had to prepare ourselves for our second practice...oh well!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Shag'n Dragons...Canto II: Lets Get This Party Started
In my other blog, I have mentioned that I have read the "Art of War" by Sun Tzu back in grade school...I thoroughly enjoyed reading it as it offered an insight and way of looking at life, regardless if you are an athlete, four star general or CEO...
After making our first major step, the picking of a name, it was time that I sat down and figured out my game plan...the roster I had enlisted was a very young group of people...when I say young, I don't mean in age, but in relative experience...in fact, it would be safe to say that our team was composed entirely of newbies...only three people had more then one year of experience and so I had to start right at the beginning when it came to coaching...I read up on training techniques, strategy and basic principles of coaching...I was nervous, but it was a good nervousness...I had finally taken control of something larger then myself, made myself as its main driving force, and told people to trust in me...a huge responsibility, and I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't a little scared by it...but I live by a simple motto "Go big or Go home", and so I decided to go for broke on this one...the first thing I decided to do was to have the entire team get together and go over the basics of paddling technique...it was a great night where I met some people, to which I would eventually become good friends with, for the very first time...I went over the basics of the catch and pull and over boat commands...everyone seemed to take it all in and I could sense, for the first time, a real desire...it was the spark I had been looking and it only motivated me even further...with the basics out of the way, it was time I got them into a pool and see if they could do what I told them...
A few weeks later, the team came over to my place and we began our first pool practice...it was so much fun, I have never that much complaining and bitching from anybody....but boy was it necessary...I don't think a single person was happy with their performance, let alone dry, but it was a wonderful experience and I can say with the utmost confidence that every single person there enjoyed and valued it...the team was starting to gel together and all I could think about was something Sun Tzu said: "regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys. Look on them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death"...Now, I wasn't planning on having my teammates die, but I did want them to believe in me...in all of my sports and leadership moments, I've always believed in the old adage that a leader is someone who instiles confidence and belief in their subordinates through action and communication...I didn't want my team to think that I was some kind of slave driver but, at the same time, if I felt that we could do better or harder, I was going to do it with them...I feel that a leader should lead by example, should be the first person to speak up and say that it was a great attempt or a pathetic attempt...the leader should take responsibility for the good and the bad, and only if the team believes in you, does the team truly succeed...lead by example, be the rock that your team can lean upon during their darkest time, but don't be so distant from them that they can't talk to you or trust you...as the Romans would say "Strength & Honor" and this is what I truly believed in...this is what I wanted to be to them and to myself, and I knew I could...I only needed the opportunity to demonstrate my desire to succeed...
On a side note, to this day, I still feel as strongly about leading my team and I can only hope that my friends understand my words and actions in these years past....I'm not an easy person to deal with, and I have had moments where people have misinterpreted my words and actions...I have been accused of being too passionate, too aggressive, to hard on people...these accusations have been made to me, both in sport and in my personal life, and that its probably why I'm single right now, and the people and things I love have been placed in tiny, neat compartments in my soul...Dragon Boat is the closest thing I have to a truly Zen-ful existence...for that time on the water, my life has purpose, clarity and simple meaning...my life on-land is a sea of chaos one in which I have had much difficulty, as of late, navigating...I started this blog as an attempt to explain in words my love for this sport...perhaps after reading these notes, you may truly understand my intentions, my desires, and my true nature...there are times when I'm on the water, that if I were to die at that moment, I would feel no regret, no pain and no hate...it would be peaceful...
We did three pool-practices before it was time to hit the water...the team is as ready to go as it could be...I got them all on the same page and they were stoked for the Island competition...once we get the first on-water practice started, get the kinks out, things will be great...we all have worked hard to get to this point, and have endured much pain and sacrifice...how could it get any worse?...I've got three words for you: sink the boat!
After making our first major step, the picking of a name, it was time that I sat down and figured out my game plan...the roster I had enlisted was a very young group of people...when I say young, I don't mean in age, but in relative experience...in fact, it would be safe to say that our team was composed entirely of newbies...only three people had more then one year of experience and so I had to start right at the beginning when it came to coaching...I read up on training techniques, strategy and basic principles of coaching...I was nervous, but it was a good nervousness...I had finally taken control of something larger then myself, made myself as its main driving force, and told people to trust in me...a huge responsibility, and I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't a little scared by it...but I live by a simple motto "Go big or Go home", and so I decided to go for broke on this one...the first thing I decided to do was to have the entire team get together and go over the basics of paddling technique...it was a great night where I met some people, to which I would eventually become good friends with, for the very first time...I went over the basics of the catch and pull and over boat commands...everyone seemed to take it all in and I could sense, for the first time, a real desire...it was the spark I had been looking and it only motivated me even further...with the basics out of the way, it was time I got them into a pool and see if they could do what I told them...
A few weeks later, the team came over to my place and we began our first pool practice...it was so much fun, I have never that much complaining and bitching from anybody....but boy was it necessary...I don't think a single person was happy with their performance, let alone dry, but it was a wonderful experience and I can say with the utmost confidence that every single person there enjoyed and valued it...the team was starting to gel together and all I could think about was something Sun Tzu said: "regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys. Look on them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death"...Now, I wasn't planning on having my teammates die, but I did want them to believe in me...in all of my sports and leadership moments, I've always believed in the old adage that a leader is someone who instiles confidence and belief in their subordinates through action and communication...I didn't want my team to think that I was some kind of slave driver but, at the same time, if I felt that we could do better or harder, I was going to do it with them...I feel that a leader should lead by example, should be the first person to speak up and say that it was a great attempt or a pathetic attempt...the leader should take responsibility for the good and the bad, and only if the team believes in you, does the team truly succeed...lead by example, be the rock that your team can lean upon during their darkest time, but don't be so distant from them that they can't talk to you or trust you...as the Romans would say "Strength & Honor" and this is what I truly believed in...this is what I wanted to be to them and to myself, and I knew I could...I only needed the opportunity to demonstrate my desire to succeed...
On a side note, to this day, I still feel as strongly about leading my team and I can only hope that my friends understand my words and actions in these years past....I'm not an easy person to deal with, and I have had moments where people have misinterpreted my words and actions...I have been accused of being too passionate, too aggressive, to hard on people...these accusations have been made to me, both in sport and in my personal life, and that its probably why I'm single right now, and the people and things I love have been placed in tiny, neat compartments in my soul...Dragon Boat is the closest thing I have to a truly Zen-ful existence...for that time on the water, my life has purpose, clarity and simple meaning...my life on-land is a sea of chaos one in which I have had much difficulty, as of late, navigating...I started this blog as an attempt to explain in words my love for this sport...perhaps after reading these notes, you may truly understand my intentions, my desires, and my true nature...there are times when I'm on the water, that if I were to die at that moment, I would feel no regret, no pain and no hate...it would be peaceful...
We did three pool-practices before it was time to hit the water...the team is as ready to go as it could be...I got them all on the same page and they were stoked for the Island competition...once we get the first on-water practice started, get the kinks out, things will be great...we all have worked hard to get to this point, and have endured much pain and sacrifice...how could it get any worse?...I've got three words for you: sink the boat!
Shag'n Dragons...Canto I: I Have a Dream!
Where to begin?...how do you start a tale that is so much a part of you that you have no idea where it starts and yourself ends?...
Women...everything seems to be tied into the fairer sex...you'll come to notice that women play a heavy role in my life, and this is no exception...I started my Dragon Boat career back in late 1999...I was invited by a friend of a friend of a friend to participate in a training session with some paddlers...they needed a guy of my size and build to off-set one of their larger paddlers and provide a body during a training module...although I was only there in a spectator and training partner capacity, I was intrigued by the dedication and skill involved in what I had initially thought was a glorified canoe boat...
My real first experience of paddling came a year later when I was asked by my cousin if I was interested in joining a team that he was starting in his faculty...I thought about it, thought it was a great opportunity to have some fun, workout and, more importantly, learn what it was like to be in a team oriented sport...so, I agreed and I became the 22 member of the University of Toronto: Occupational Therapy & Physiotherapy Dragon Boat Team, the "Motor Unit"...it was a great team...we had an awesome coach who was both knowledgeable and very easy-going when it came to the training...another great aspect of the team was that every single person there was very physically oriented and in relatively good shape...we could accomplish a lot and push everyone just that little bit harder, and I loved that aspect...it was a good time, and we came in think 4th in the University Cup...sure, we were in shape, but we were also a rookie team and were up against some pretty competition...we did so good, that the top brass decided that a 2nd team would be a good idea and the women's team "Strokin" was born...The next year, we got together again and decided to make sure we were on the podium this time...we worked like crazy, Wednesday evening practices, Saturday 8am practices, and before we knew it, it was time to show what all of that hard work had done...I think we came either 2nd or 3rd in the Cup and we were ecstatic...I remember that feeling of accomplishment, of attaining a goal that was set months in advance...If I'm not mistaken, the plaque is still up in the Rehab building...It was after this success that I decided that I wanted this for myself and the idea of the Shag'n Dragons was conceived....
One year later, back in Dec of 2002, I was sitting in the Cock'N Bull (Founder College's pub and local hangout) and I said to myself "you know, wouldn't it be great if I could see my friends during the summer time, when school was out?"...I wanted to do something that was athletic, but also easy enough in the beginning that it wouldn't discourage the less then stellar athlete...now, doesn't this reason seem very noble and kind, but in truth, this was but a partial reason...I had just begun going out with a new girl, someone who I thought was very special, and I wanted to show her how manly and athletic I could be...I couldn't pick Martial Arts, because hitting your significant other is not the best way to show love, so I decided that a couple that paddles a boat together stays together...so thats when I thought back to my Motor Unit days and said, "yeah, lets do Dragon Boat"...the first person I looked for was my drummer, my Co-Captain...it so happened that we had a friend named Elynn who had not only paddled before but was willing to be part of this team...with that out of the way, I set out to look for my team...I was able to find half the team with relative ease, and thankfully, with the help of Elynn and Julia, we were able to find the remaining few people...there were 2 things remaining: 1) finding a steersperson, and 2) coming up with a team name...the steersperson issue was easier solved then I thought, and the person we brought had a friend who was experienced and who could assist our new steersperson, and so that was done...as for the name, this was all Julia...
My initial desire for the team name was the "Wu Boat", you know, a play on the WWII German "U-Boat"...of course, having my name in it was a wonderful extra, but that wasn't the main reason why...I don't know why, but it was quickly dismissed, they just neer gave it a shot....We then had people come up with lists of team names, and such goodies as "10,000 dead babies at the bottom of the sea" and "flaming dildos" were the results...I don't remember who said "Super Dragons" but I thought, "Dude, that sounds like a cheesy Chinese martial arts movie!...how about UberDragons?"...then Julia, having an epiphany like all geniuses do at some point in their life chimed in and said, "How about Shag'n Dragons"...I thought about, thought it was funny, different and easy to remember, and we were done...
Now it was time to practice, to see if my friends and I could actually make a go of this, to hopefully not come last and to not sink at any point in time...2 out 3 is good enough....
Women...everything seems to be tied into the fairer sex...you'll come to notice that women play a heavy role in my life, and this is no exception...I started my Dragon Boat career back in late 1999...I was invited by a friend of a friend of a friend to participate in a training session with some paddlers...they needed a guy of my size and build to off-set one of their larger paddlers and provide a body during a training module...although I was only there in a spectator and training partner capacity, I was intrigued by the dedication and skill involved in what I had initially thought was a glorified canoe boat...
My real first experience of paddling came a year later when I was asked by my cousin if I was interested in joining a team that he was starting in his faculty...I thought about it, thought it was a great opportunity to have some fun, workout and, more importantly, learn what it was like to be in a team oriented sport...so, I agreed and I became the 22 member of the University of Toronto: Occupational Therapy & Physiotherapy Dragon Boat Team, the "Motor Unit"...it was a great team...we had an awesome coach who was both knowledgeable and very easy-going when it came to the training...another great aspect of the team was that every single person there was very physically oriented and in relatively good shape...we could accomplish a lot and push everyone just that little bit harder, and I loved that aspect...it was a good time, and we came in think 4th in the University Cup...sure, we were in shape, but we were also a rookie team and were up against some pretty competition...we did so good, that the top brass decided that a 2nd team would be a good idea and the women's team "Strokin" was born...The next year, we got together again and decided to make sure we were on the podium this time...we worked like crazy, Wednesday evening practices, Saturday 8am practices, and before we knew it, it was time to show what all of that hard work had done...I think we came either 2nd or 3rd in the Cup and we were ecstatic...I remember that feeling of accomplishment, of attaining a goal that was set months in advance...If I'm not mistaken, the plaque is still up in the Rehab building...It was after this success that I decided that I wanted this for myself and the idea of the Shag'n Dragons was conceived....
One year later, back in Dec of 2002, I was sitting in the Cock'N Bull (Founder College's pub and local hangout) and I said to myself "you know, wouldn't it be great if I could see my friends during the summer time, when school was out?"...I wanted to do something that was athletic, but also easy enough in the beginning that it wouldn't discourage the less then stellar athlete...now, doesn't this reason seem very noble and kind, but in truth, this was but a partial reason...I had just begun going out with a new girl, someone who I thought was very special, and I wanted to show her how manly and athletic I could be...I couldn't pick Martial Arts, because hitting your significant other is not the best way to show love, so I decided that a couple that paddles a boat together stays together...so thats when I thought back to my Motor Unit days and said, "yeah, lets do Dragon Boat"...the first person I looked for was my drummer, my Co-Captain...it so happened that we had a friend named Elynn who had not only paddled before but was willing to be part of this team...with that out of the way, I set out to look for my team...I was able to find half the team with relative ease, and thankfully, with the help of Elynn and Julia, we were able to find the remaining few people...there were 2 things remaining: 1) finding a steersperson, and 2) coming up with a team name...the steersperson issue was easier solved then I thought, and the person we brought had a friend who was experienced and who could assist our new steersperson, and so that was done...as for the name, this was all Julia...
My initial desire for the team name was the "Wu Boat", you know, a play on the WWII German "U-Boat"...of course, having my name in it was a wonderful extra, but that wasn't the main reason why...I don't know why, but it was quickly dismissed, they just neer gave it a shot....We then had people come up with lists of team names, and such goodies as "10,000 dead babies at the bottom of the sea" and "flaming dildos" were the results...I don't remember who said "Super Dragons" but I thought, "Dude, that sounds like a cheesy Chinese martial arts movie!...how about UberDragons?"...then Julia, having an epiphany like all geniuses do at some point in their life chimed in and said, "How about Shag'n Dragons"...I thought about, thought it was funny, different and easy to remember, and we were done...
Now it was time to practice, to see if my friends and I could actually make a go of this, to hopefully not come last and to not sink at any point in time...2 out 3 is good enough....
Why am I being punished?
I'm a believer in Karma...
In fact, my belief in this unseen force of balance is the measure to which I try to live my life...
An honorable life is, in my opinion, the only true way to experience the best parts of life and still have the most fun...
So why is it then that I'm being punished like I was deserving of this?...perhaps its karma!...perhaps not...I don't know, but it definitely feels like I'm deserving of this somehow...What has happened to me that has caused me to question the very nature of existence and my place in it?...
By now, if you have read my previous rants, you probably already understand the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing in my personal life...along with my heartache, I've also had some changes in my professional life, as well as my physical self...
I'm about to start a new place of work, where my hopes and aspirations lie in a relatively new clinic...there hopes and dreams are based on a marketing ploy, not often associated with the health-care field, but nonetheless, worth a shot...they seemed particularly interested in me and my work, and a part of me looks forward to this change...I need change...I need money to make the changes I want to make...in order to do this, I need to find a job that is more stable...So, i'll give this place a shot, see how it turns out...I know that I match any of their therapists in knowledge and drive, but is that enough?...the summer is never a great time to start working in a clinic...people are on vacations, they don't want to spend the day at a clinic when they can spend it outdoors...hopefully, the area (Bayview & Eglinton) will prove to be immune to the vacation slump and I will be able to make a big splash with the community...I think what irks me most about this change is not my new place of employment, but that of my current and soon-to-be ex-employer...I had been with them for over a year...I worked hard for them every single day...they, and when I say 'they' I mean the owner in particular, took their time in making me feel like a member of the team...I didn't get the same things that the other therapists got until many, many months into my career...in fact, I only received my picture on the wall 3 months ago, something that I had been asking for since my first few weeks there...what better way to advertise a therapist then to have their picture on the wall...so why did he take so long to do it?...why did he say that advertising massage was a problem when he didn't assist me in this area?...the cherry on top was that last week, they took my picture off the wall and replaced it with a new employee who has to even start...I was, and am, still working there, and they took me off the wall in the span of a few hours...do I feel the love?...absolutely not...
This is my second problem...my third is my physical state...when Silvia and I parted ways, I decided to throw myself into my second love: Dragon Boat...since the season has begun, I've had ample time to focus on the nuances of coaching my two teams, administrative duties and training for a third and forth team...prior to the start of the season, I was getting only a handfull of hours of sleep a night...you'd think that would change when I'd start training and exhausting myself even more...nope...I still don't sleep much...I've been having crazy dreams, some bordering on paranoia and schizo...up till a few weeks, I was able to handle everything...sure, I have no social life, and I haven't done a tenth of what I normally do at this time...but, for the most part, I was physically sure and capable of what my sport and work demanded of me...then came the prep-race day...I did 5 races, with very little rest in between...I know that my physically ability and skill can handle this level of intensity...but I'll tell you something, it wasn't my physical attributes that got me through it...I had to draw upon every single ounce of emotional fortitude to get me through it all...and afterwards, I think I hurt myself...my back has moments of freedom and then it locks up like I was run over by a train...I've been getting more sleep, but it has been neither restful or complete...I think my life has finally caught up with me...I find myself drifting away, with both eyes wide open...my concentration wains like never before...I'm having moments of lethargy and times when I can't seem to remember the simplest of things...my desire to succeed in life and to live happily seems like a distant memory...in its place I feel nothing but a grey blanket of dread, emotional unease and pessimistic overtures...
The summer has begun, and in a few weeks I will be done with Dragon Boat...the love of my life, something that she always will be, will no longer be in my life...I will have removed all ties to anything painful...I should be happy...I should be looking forward to this, but all I can do is just think about how alone I will be during this time...what is point of being alive, in a place where the sun shines down upon beautiful sights, when you can't share it with the one person you want to?...sure, I could go out and find a new person to fit this bill, but I just can't...I don't know how else to describe it...I just can't...
I'm being punished...partially because I'm doing it to myself...I know that...I know that the pain I endure is half self-induced and were I to just cast it off my shoulders, look to the light and move on, my outlook should improve...but what is the cause of the other half?
Please tell me why
In fact, my belief in this unseen force of balance is the measure to which I try to live my life...
An honorable life is, in my opinion, the only true way to experience the best parts of life and still have the most fun...
So why is it then that I'm being punished like I was deserving of this?...perhaps its karma!...perhaps not...I don't know, but it definitely feels like I'm deserving of this somehow...What has happened to me that has caused me to question the very nature of existence and my place in it?...
By now, if you have read my previous rants, you probably already understand the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing in my personal life...along with my heartache, I've also had some changes in my professional life, as well as my physical self...
I'm about to start a new place of work, where my hopes and aspirations lie in a relatively new clinic...there hopes and dreams are based on a marketing ploy, not often associated with the health-care field, but nonetheless, worth a shot...they seemed particularly interested in me and my work, and a part of me looks forward to this change...I need change...I need money to make the changes I want to make...in order to do this, I need to find a job that is more stable...So, i'll give this place a shot, see how it turns out...I know that I match any of their therapists in knowledge and drive, but is that enough?...the summer is never a great time to start working in a clinic...people are on vacations, they don't want to spend the day at a clinic when they can spend it outdoors...hopefully, the area (Bayview & Eglinton) will prove to be immune to the vacation slump and I will be able to make a big splash with the community...I think what irks me most about this change is not my new place of employment, but that of my current and soon-to-be ex-employer...I had been with them for over a year...I worked hard for them every single day...they, and when I say 'they' I mean the owner in particular, took their time in making me feel like a member of the team...I didn't get the same things that the other therapists got until many, many months into my career...in fact, I only received my picture on the wall 3 months ago, something that I had been asking for since my first few weeks there...what better way to advertise a therapist then to have their picture on the wall...so why did he take so long to do it?...why did he say that advertising massage was a problem when he didn't assist me in this area?...the cherry on top was that last week, they took my picture off the wall and replaced it with a new employee who has to even start...I was, and am, still working there, and they took me off the wall in the span of a few hours...do I feel the love?...absolutely not...
This is my second problem...my third is my physical state...when Silvia and I parted ways, I decided to throw myself into my second love: Dragon Boat...since the season has begun, I've had ample time to focus on the nuances of coaching my two teams, administrative duties and training for a third and forth team...prior to the start of the season, I was getting only a handfull of hours of sleep a night...you'd think that would change when I'd start training and exhausting myself even more...nope...I still don't sleep much...I've been having crazy dreams, some bordering on paranoia and schizo...up till a few weeks, I was able to handle everything...sure, I have no social life, and I haven't done a tenth of what I normally do at this time...but, for the most part, I was physically sure and capable of what my sport and work demanded of me...then came the prep-race day...I did 5 races, with very little rest in between...I know that my physically ability and skill can handle this level of intensity...but I'll tell you something, it wasn't my physical attributes that got me through it...I had to draw upon every single ounce of emotional fortitude to get me through it all...and afterwards, I think I hurt myself...my back has moments of freedom and then it locks up like I was run over by a train...I've been getting more sleep, but it has been neither restful or complete...I think my life has finally caught up with me...I find myself drifting away, with both eyes wide open...my concentration wains like never before...I'm having moments of lethargy and times when I can't seem to remember the simplest of things...my desire to succeed in life and to live happily seems like a distant memory...in its place I feel nothing but a grey blanket of dread, emotional unease and pessimistic overtures...
The summer has begun, and in a few weeks I will be done with Dragon Boat...the love of my life, something that she always will be, will no longer be in my life...I will have removed all ties to anything painful...I should be happy...I should be looking forward to this, but all I can do is just think about how alone I will be during this time...what is point of being alive, in a place where the sun shines down upon beautiful sights, when you can't share it with the one person you want to?...sure, I could go out and find a new person to fit this bill, but I just can't...I don't know how else to describe it...I just can't...
I'm being punished...partially because I'm doing it to myself...I know that...I know that the pain I endure is half self-induced and were I to just cast it off my shoulders, look to the light and move on, my outlook should improve...but what is the cause of the other half?
Please tell me why
Rage and Betty
The likelihood of anyone reading this is remote...in fact, the only way that someone reading this will know me and the subject matter is about as likely as the Maple Leaf's making the playoffs...maybe its this lack of outside attention, which is the reason why I've decided to right this all down...maybe a few months or years from now, I'll be able to look back at this and smile and see how funny all of this is...this is almost like a vault where my true feelings and thoughts can be kept safe from the world...maybe in the electronic sea of information called the Internet, I'll find an island of calm and a safe harbor for my true feelings...
Maybe she wasn't my true love...maybe it wasn't love at all...let me back up a bit and explain my rather depressing statement in more clarity...
Before we begin, let me say that when it comes to this subject, I kinda, every once in while, on occasion, when I get the ball rolling, ramble on and on...past and present tense goes right out the window and so don't get freaked out if you notice some grammatical errors...again, I'm probably going to be the only person who will ever read this and so I guess I'm just warning my future self of my past self's tendency to ramble...anyways, let the flood gates open and enjoy...
Back in University, I had met a woman that we'll call Betty...Betty was, for lack of a better word, amazing...she was the friend of an acquaintance who I met purely by coincidence...normally, when I describe how we met, I usually go into the amazing first few months we shared together and people would see how great we were...but lets just say that I had found what I thought was true love...she was two years my junior but decades my senior in maturity and intelligence...but, how often do you meet a couple in which the guy is more mature then the woman?...Betty's personal life helped shape and mold her into the independent woman that she was and in many respects, had she had a more stable personal life, things might have turned out a little different in our relationship (NOTE: I'm by no means saying that her personal life was the cause of my pessimistic turn away from love...in fact, its most likely the other way around...what I mean by my previous statement is that her personal life experiences made her the somewhat cynical, uber-indepedently minded woman who viewed our lives together completely different from my own...it is my belief that had she a more stable and similar parental-guided childhood, her and I would have been of exact mentality and maybe have remained together)...I'll explain more about why I said that, but for now, let me just say that her personality was like a breath of fresh air to me...
Betty's personality can be described in one word, but there is no word to properly define it...she is absolutely an extrovert...in fact, extrovert is probably the best word to use when talking about her...she is the kind of woman who loves to be the centre of attention in any social gathering and, while she enjoys the love and adoration, she also was mature enough to know when to listen...she is, quite easily, the most intelligent woman I've ever known...she could converse with anyone in almost any subject, and while she never claimed to know things she didn't, her natural curiousity and wit led many to believe that she in fact knew more then she did...her kindness was beyond words, often she would stop and talk to the less-then fortunate people she would randomly encounter in the downtown core...when a friend or acquaintance was the victim of an accident or crime, she would be the first person to express her condolences and seek out a way to provide any kind of support or assistance...Love is another word that is often associated with her...her love for life, for her work, her cats, her family and friends, her independence and individuality are so integral to her well-being that she tries to love them all equally...
Where was I?...oh yes, Betty....why is that everytime I think of her, feelings of love, longing and sadness are accompanied by flashes of rage and anger?...are the negative emotions just me being upset with myself for still thinking that there is a chance with Betty?...maybe, but I do know that some of my rage is definitely directed at Betty...thing is, she never did anything directly bad to me...its not like she cheated on me with another guy (although the cynic in me is screaming that I really don't know if she didn't)...no, I really don't believe she cheated on me with another person but I do believe that she did cheat on us and in the end, cheated on me...pretty harsh thinking, huh?...yeah it is...and a part of me kinda regrets actually writing that down...it seems very juvenile and inappropriate, especially when describing Betty...all of my friends became her friends, and so now that we are no longer a cohesive unit, my friends find themselves torn between two lovers...thing is, none of my friends are people who mince words and emotions, and thats a good thing...they have remained loyal to both parties and I'm happy about that...I think one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time getting over this is because someone told me that Betty had been feeling like this for a very long time, a year almost, and as such, by the time we did break up, she had gotten over the really bad stuff...this naturally leads my simpleton mind on a path of reasoning that goes like this: if she had already wanted to break up with me a year ago, then that means everything in the past few months has been tainted in a lie...a lie, whether great or small, is still a lie and even though claims have been made that her words of love and affection to me were made out of sincerity, one can't help but feel that there was a little line of doubt within them...so why is that she can be over me and have all my friends be happy and go out with and I'm a pathetic loser who constantly brings her up, much to the annoyance of my few remaining colleagues...
All my life, I have had moments were I have felt alone and unsupported by people and things...my life is my own and I've made peace with my current success and attainment of future glory...yet why is that the one person I want to share this joy and happiness with in the whole world, wants nothing to do with me?...why does this person find me as attractive as a member of her own sex?...why does this person say that she no longer feels the same way and have the same passion as I do?...why does this person then ask me not to take this personally?...why does Betty not love me?
Life is like a bug floating in the wind...sometimes you are floating high, free on the currents of fate...other times, you are banged against rocks and other painful objects...the key is to enjoy the good moments, to accept the bad times and to make each moment count...
I will no longer feel like a victim...I will no longer dwell on the what-if's...I will no longer wonder if my life has lost meaning for I know that meaning lies within your own actions...I will choose to act on this pain...I will choose to quell my rage...I will choose to find happiness...I will choose to find peace...I will choose to let myself love again...
Maybe she wasn't my true love...maybe it wasn't love at all...let me back up a bit and explain my rather depressing statement in more clarity...
Before we begin, let me say that when it comes to this subject, I kinda, every once in while, on occasion, when I get the ball rolling, ramble on and on...past and present tense goes right out the window and so don't get freaked out if you notice some grammatical errors...again, I'm probably going to be the only person who will ever read this and so I guess I'm just warning my future self of my past self's tendency to ramble...anyways, let the flood gates open and enjoy...
Back in University, I had met a woman that we'll call Betty...Betty was, for lack of a better word, amazing...she was the friend of an acquaintance who I met purely by coincidence...normally, when I describe how we met, I usually go into the amazing first few months we shared together and people would see how great we were...but lets just say that I had found what I thought was true love...she was two years my junior but decades my senior in maturity and intelligence...but, how often do you meet a couple in which the guy is more mature then the woman?...Betty's personal life helped shape and mold her into the independent woman that she was and in many respects, had she had a more stable personal life, things might have turned out a little different in our relationship (NOTE: I'm by no means saying that her personal life was the cause of my pessimistic turn away from love...in fact, its most likely the other way around...what I mean by my previous statement is that her personal life experiences made her the somewhat cynical, uber-indepedently minded woman who viewed our lives together completely different from my own...it is my belief that had she a more stable and similar parental-guided childhood, her and I would have been of exact mentality and maybe have remained together)...I'll explain more about why I said that, but for now, let me just say that her personality was like a breath of fresh air to me...
Betty's personality can be described in one word, but there is no word to properly define it...she is absolutely an extrovert...in fact, extrovert is probably the best word to use when talking about her...she is the kind of woman who loves to be the centre of attention in any social gathering and, while she enjoys the love and adoration, she also was mature enough to know when to listen...she is, quite easily, the most intelligent woman I've ever known...she could converse with anyone in almost any subject, and while she never claimed to know things she didn't, her natural curiousity and wit led many to believe that she in fact knew more then she did...her kindness was beyond words, often she would stop and talk to the less-then fortunate people she would randomly encounter in the downtown core...when a friend or acquaintance was the victim of an accident or crime, she would be the first person to express her condolences and seek out a way to provide any kind of support or assistance...Love is another word that is often associated with her...her love for life, for her work, her cats, her family and friends, her independence and individuality are so integral to her well-being that she tries to love them all equally...
Where was I?...oh yes, Betty....why is that everytime I think of her, feelings of love, longing and sadness are accompanied by flashes of rage and anger?...are the negative emotions just me being upset with myself for still thinking that there is a chance with Betty?...maybe, but I do know that some of my rage is definitely directed at Betty...thing is, she never did anything directly bad to me...its not like she cheated on me with another guy (although the cynic in me is screaming that I really don't know if she didn't)...no, I really don't believe she cheated on me with another person but I do believe that she did cheat on us and in the end, cheated on me...pretty harsh thinking, huh?...yeah it is...and a part of me kinda regrets actually writing that down...it seems very juvenile and inappropriate, especially when describing Betty...all of my friends became her friends, and so now that we are no longer a cohesive unit, my friends find themselves torn between two lovers...thing is, none of my friends are people who mince words and emotions, and thats a good thing...they have remained loyal to both parties and I'm happy about that...I think one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time getting over this is because someone told me that Betty had been feeling like this for a very long time, a year almost, and as such, by the time we did break up, she had gotten over the really bad stuff...this naturally leads my simpleton mind on a path of reasoning that goes like this: if she had already wanted to break up with me a year ago, then that means everything in the past few months has been tainted in a lie...a lie, whether great or small, is still a lie and even though claims have been made that her words of love and affection to me were made out of sincerity, one can't help but feel that there was a little line of doubt within them...so why is that she can be over me and have all my friends be happy and go out with and I'm a pathetic loser who constantly brings her up, much to the annoyance of my few remaining colleagues...
All my life, I have had moments were I have felt alone and unsupported by people and things...my life is my own and I've made peace with my current success and attainment of future glory...yet why is that the one person I want to share this joy and happiness with in the whole world, wants nothing to do with me?...why does this person find me as attractive as a member of her own sex?...why does this person say that she no longer feels the same way and have the same passion as I do?...why does this person then ask me not to take this personally?...why does Betty not love me?
Life is like a bug floating in the wind...sometimes you are floating high, free on the currents of fate...other times, you are banged against rocks and other painful objects...the key is to enjoy the good moments, to accept the bad times and to make each moment count...
I will no longer feel like a victim...I will no longer dwell on the what-if's...I will no longer wonder if my life has lost meaning for I know that meaning lies within your own actions...I will choose to act on this pain...I will choose to quell my rage...I will choose to find happiness...I will choose to find peace...I will choose to let myself love again...
Why can't we just hit each other and get it over with?
I think I was born in the wrong era...
There are times when it takes every ounce of my strength not to lunge out and strike the person next to me right in their face...I'm not a peach to deal with and, I know that at times, I can be very difficult to stomach...but when I'm wrong, I admit it and I'll apologize if its necessary...some people it seems, just don't recognize this fact and view my willingness to accept responsibility and move on as a sign of weakness...am I stubborn?...absolutely...am I sullen and have a tendency to brood at times?...unfortunately so...but over the years, I have tried to be patient and understanding of people around me, and so it really irks me when I have to deal with people who don't have the common courtesy to just move on...
Case in point, I have a problem with how a certain situation has unfolded in front of me...although things have reached a conclusion, and the possible remedy is actually better then what we started off with, I just can't seem to get over how all of this concluded...people have mentioned that I can be aggressive and over-bearing but you know what I say to that?...oh well...I think I was born in the wrong era...
Why can't we ever go back to society that is based solely on the honor code?...is it really that difficult to organize, institute and maintain?...I guess so seeing as it doesn't really exist outside of a few countries, and even then those countries aren't first world nations, which begs the question: why is that the countries that claim to be 'better' are not following the common sense, moral duty and ethical beacon that a properly defined honor system can produce?...I can hear my friend now saying 'what the hell do you mean properly defined honor system, and who will determine this definition?"...answer, me...I know, I know, that makes no sense and I'm definitely not the person who should define what is right and wrong with my background and history...but you know what, although I've never claimed to be a saint, I have always thought of myself as someone who has followed a moral compass for most of his life and is someone who could be counted on for doing the right thing...apparently thats not so...
I find myself sitting in front of my computer, writing down the shame I've been put through due to whatever reason caused it...these last few weeks have not been the best for me; with the end of a long-term relationship, my mother going for surgery, my integrity publically challenged, being physically challenged to a few scuffles and were that not enough, to be called a coward being the worst of my charges...all my life, I've had people take advantage of me or count me out due to my naivity or ability to view important decisions in my life in a monochromatic way...I'm tired of having people claim to care or love me, only to turn 180 degrees and say things to me that should never be said...I can say with utmost confidence and certainty that I have not done what has happened to me as of late, and so maybe that is why I'm so confused as to why its happening to me...I'm a big believer in Karma, and that is why I have no worries when people try to pick a fight with me because I know that when push comes to shove, I can shove back...again, this goes back to my original question of why I can't just reach out and hit people...I have done some bad things and some less the questionable things, but I have never doen anything that would question my honor or sense of integrity...and yet, in the span of a few weeks, people have been dissecting me, piece by piece, as if I was a steak waiting to have the fat cut off the edges....
My heart is broken...I see the pieces before me...I know how to put them back together and I know where the adhesive is to mend my shattered soul...and for all the claims I make of being a logical, pragmatic person, I can't seem to get past the fact that I should be happy for the situation I'm in now...I can see the end of the tunnel, I truly can...I can view a portrait of serenity and peace, of resound happiness waiting for me at the other end of the tunnel of life...yet whenever my mind drifts back to the reality that is the prison my soul finds itself in, I once again become angry and depressed and all I want to do is just hit things and people...I know that these feelings are just my own insecurities and fears trying to manifest themselves, and if I give into them, then I truly will be doing a dishonorable act...
A patient of mine told me that I should focus on all of the negative things from my relationship...his reasoning was that people have a tendency to think of all the good things and, before they know it, a fantastical dream appears in which all things seems to be honkey doorey, when in actual fact, the negative things help focus your thoughts and keep them real...although this probably goes against the normal line of thinking, I have to admit that it has helped me through some pretty bad moments...there have been times during the day in which I have daydreamed of a happier time and before I knew it, I would start getting those feelings of longing and loss and I would spiral into a spin of patheticness...but now, when I feel these emotions and feelings starting to build, I say an little affirmation to myself and I get angry again, and my daydream disappears...
You wanna know what my affirmation is?
"I'm not a bad person...I've done nothing wrong...I deserve someone who will love me like I love them...I will be happy...I will not hit or kill anyone"...ok, I threw in the last bit, but everything else is true
There are times when it takes every ounce of my strength not to lunge out and strike the person next to me right in their face...I'm not a peach to deal with and, I know that at times, I can be very difficult to stomach...but when I'm wrong, I admit it and I'll apologize if its necessary...some people it seems, just don't recognize this fact and view my willingness to accept responsibility and move on as a sign of weakness...am I stubborn?...absolutely...am I sullen and have a tendency to brood at times?...unfortunately so...but over the years, I have tried to be patient and understanding of people around me, and so it really irks me when I have to deal with people who don't have the common courtesy to just move on...
Case in point, I have a problem with how a certain situation has unfolded in front of me...although things have reached a conclusion, and the possible remedy is actually better then what we started off with, I just can't seem to get over how all of this concluded...people have mentioned that I can be aggressive and over-bearing but you know what I say to that?...oh well...I think I was born in the wrong era...
Why can't we ever go back to society that is based solely on the honor code?...is it really that difficult to organize, institute and maintain?...I guess so seeing as it doesn't really exist outside of a few countries, and even then those countries aren't first world nations, which begs the question: why is that the countries that claim to be 'better' are not following the common sense, moral duty and ethical beacon that a properly defined honor system can produce?...I can hear my friend now saying 'what the hell do you mean properly defined honor system, and who will determine this definition?"...answer, me...I know, I know, that makes no sense and I'm definitely not the person who should define what is right and wrong with my background and history...but you know what, although I've never claimed to be a saint, I have always thought of myself as someone who has followed a moral compass for most of his life and is someone who could be counted on for doing the right thing...apparently thats not so...
I find myself sitting in front of my computer, writing down the shame I've been put through due to whatever reason caused it...these last few weeks have not been the best for me; with the end of a long-term relationship, my mother going for surgery, my integrity publically challenged, being physically challenged to a few scuffles and were that not enough, to be called a coward being the worst of my charges...all my life, I've had people take advantage of me or count me out due to my naivity or ability to view important decisions in my life in a monochromatic way...I'm tired of having people claim to care or love me, only to turn 180 degrees and say things to me that should never be said...I can say with utmost confidence and certainty that I have not done what has happened to me as of late, and so maybe that is why I'm so confused as to why its happening to me...I'm a big believer in Karma, and that is why I have no worries when people try to pick a fight with me because I know that when push comes to shove, I can shove back...again, this goes back to my original question of why I can't just reach out and hit people...I have done some bad things and some less the questionable things, but I have never doen anything that would question my honor or sense of integrity...and yet, in the span of a few weeks, people have been dissecting me, piece by piece, as if I was a steak waiting to have the fat cut off the edges....
My heart is broken...I see the pieces before me...I know how to put them back together and I know where the adhesive is to mend my shattered soul...and for all the claims I make of being a logical, pragmatic person, I can't seem to get past the fact that I should be happy for the situation I'm in now...I can see the end of the tunnel, I truly can...I can view a portrait of serenity and peace, of resound happiness waiting for me at the other end of the tunnel of life...yet whenever my mind drifts back to the reality that is the prison my soul finds itself in, I once again become angry and depressed and all I want to do is just hit things and people...I know that these feelings are just my own insecurities and fears trying to manifest themselves, and if I give into them, then I truly will be doing a dishonorable act...
A patient of mine told me that I should focus on all of the negative things from my relationship...his reasoning was that people have a tendency to think of all the good things and, before they know it, a fantastical dream appears in which all things seems to be honkey doorey, when in actual fact, the negative things help focus your thoughts and keep them real...although this probably goes against the normal line of thinking, I have to admit that it has helped me through some pretty bad moments...there have been times during the day in which I have daydreamed of a happier time and before I knew it, I would start getting those feelings of longing and loss and I would spiral into a spin of patheticness...but now, when I feel these emotions and feelings starting to build, I say an little affirmation to myself and I get angry again, and my daydream disappears...
You wanna know what my affirmation is?
"I'm not a bad person...I've done nothing wrong...I deserve someone who will love me like I love them...I will be happy...I will not hit or kill anyone"...ok, I threw in the last bit, but everything else is true
My life at the beginning...Chapter IX: The End of One Life and the Start of Another
Finally, my last year of High School...break out the Champagne, get the streamers and noise makers ready, because this boy is coming home...if home meant returning to a place that wasn't the cesspool of hell that my last few years had been, then yes, lets go home...but before that would happen, there were a few matters I had to take care of first...
Because I had fast-tracked the more difficult courses, my OAC year was a piece of cake...in fact, I had 2 spares on most days and 3 on Fridays...my course load was smoking...I think the hardest course I had in OAC was Individual Sports, and that was only because I had to play our resident basketball superstar in Ping Pong most of the time...
Speaking of my table tennis opponent, let me say a few words about him...he was easily the tallest person I had ever met...but his smile was bigger then his size, and that was the one quality of his that I always remembered...he was a good man who deserved all of the accolades he received...he got accepted to a great Basketball school, and that was pretty much the last thing I heard about him...unfortunately, things didn't quite work out for him, he never made the NBA, but I'm sure wherever he is, he's happy...I wish him good fortune in life...
With my academic future on hiatus, I was in a position where I could start to make social relationships and start doing things that I really felt passionate about...I began doing more of my Martial Arts training and really got into sparring...in fact, I was even able to enter some competitions and I did pretty well for the most part...thanks to my body type, I never had any broken bones or serious injuries...I had the occasional black eye or large bruise, but nothing that would be horrible...my parents never found out about this, they always felt that fighting was a bad thing and I'm sure they wouldn't have approved...I used to tell them that my injuries were due to me playing football and they believed me...I went and saw so many movies (even more then I usually did) and did the whole 'hang out in malls' thing that all teenagers do...that ended pretty quickly as I had very little money and no posse to hang out with...I thought that ladies loved guys who worked out, so I decided to start working out in the gym in the hopes of making myself buff for the new year...with my eyes set on winning the hearts of ladies everywhere with my sexy physique, I decided that my first goal would be to win the love of the one lady I really cared about...yup, you guessed it...the question was, where do I begin?...the biggest problem was that she had graduated the year before and was no longer at our school...however, she did come by on occasion and seeing as she still had many friends at school, there was a chance that she would be back more often then not...
When she had returned from her unexpected vacation, she had gained a nice, rich copper tan, one that just made you go "oh mama!"...to be prepared for a surprise visit and for any other spontaneous retreat, I kept my network intact, and I had my sources reaching out and trying to get me as much information as possible...can you guess the kind of treasure trove of goodies they found me?...nothing, zilch, nada...they told me nothing...how can you not know anything about someone you hang out with four days of the week?...like I said earlier, they weren't necessarily the sharpest knives in the block...so I thought that it was time for me and my new found confidence to go out and make my presence known to her...I had so many things I wanted to say to her that I decided to write everything down and that way not leave anything out and also to now spaz out in front of her...I wrote out a two page letter, which I still have today, that basically outlined my thoughts, feelings and honorable intentions...you know the movie "Can't Hardly Wait", well, I was the guy...the things he wrote about and felt about, towards his lady love, were the things that I felt and written about...there have only been two women in my life who have brought out these feelings...and though I was able to share them with one and not with the other, unlike the movie, our hero doesn't get the girl...
My forays in to the world of physical activity produced much fruit, and I was really starting to bulk up and get into shape...I never had a six-pack, but I was at least getting some solid muscle on me and I really did begin to gain confidence in my appearance...as the year drew to an end, I was glad for it to be over...I had been accepted into all of my choices for University, and I had decided on attending York University...at the time, my reasoning was that I didn't want to risk blowing my first year and spending almost three times the amount of money when I could get the same kind of degree at a closer school for a fraction of the cost...maybe I did the right thing, maybe I didn't...another reason was that I was still under the belief that I was going to win the girl and that going away to school might not be the best way to start off my dream relationship... I had edited and rewritten the letter so many times, I had begun to forget parts of it...I would wake up in the night, with a new sentiment or theory of her life and as I would sit down and write it out, I would realize that I had already done that the night before...I was losing it, and the sooner I gave her my letter, let her read it, and allow her the dignity to fall in love with me, the sooner I would regain my sanity...
After much debate, the date was set...Codenamed Operation 'Get the Girl' was to commence on March 1...M-Day, as it was later remembered, was going to be an exercise of military precision and had all the chance of being the turning point in this great war of love...I printed out two copies of the letter (by the way, I still have the letter and on occasion read it just so I can realize how pathetically in love I was) just in case the first one was lost, the other one would be flanking its position, ready to move in and rescue the day...finding the right entry point was key, pick the wrong time or place to introduce this literary masterpiece, and it could be brushed aside like leaves in the wind...I picked this day because it was a Friday, leaving me with much of the day to plan and pick the appropriate moment, and I wanted her to have the weekend to digest the heavy sentiment found in my declaration of adoration...I initially was going to discreetly drop the letter into her mailbox, ring the door bell, wait behind the tree in her front yard, let her find it & read it, look around in case she could spot who wrote it, and then let nature take its course...but, this Hero didn't do that because I had channeled the spirit of Don Juan DeMarco himself, and he told me that there was a better way...I didn't want to do the whole candy lettergram thing that I saw someone else do a year before...what I wanted to do was to ring her doorbell, stand before her in my best suit, look into her eyes and say "Hello, I hope I'm not bothering you, but I was wondering if you spare a few moments of your time and afford me an audience?...I really wanted to congratulate you on your graduation with honors and I also wanted to say good luck to you at University of Toronto: Scarborough...the reason why I've rung you today was because I wanted to just tell you how much you've affected me in my life...I want to say thank you for your kindness and your friendship and also that, although I know you are in a relationship, that I have had a little crush on you and that it would be better that I tell you this, as opposed to never sharing this information...I have a letter here for you, which expresses some of my thoughts and feelings about you, I'm sorry for being a little nervous, but this is kinda nerve-wracking for me....if you decide to read it, great, if not, no worries...I just wanted to give it to you, and give you the choice...thank you for your time, your patience and I would like to wish a good journey in life...thanks!"...pretty decent, I guess....maybe not as smooth as Don Juan, but at least I wasn't a total loser...unfortunately, everything that I just wrote was what I wanted to say...I never did say it...I chickened out at the last minute...I was going to leave the letter on her front door, but at the last minute, I decided not to...I even had a friend find out her email address, and had transferred the letter into email format, and was about to press send, when an unexpected 'computer problem' resulted in it not being sent...
I left High School a better person, a person who had endured the hardships of discrimination, ignorance and social exclusion...I had made a few good friends, experienced a lot of wonderful things and became a better person...but as I walked out of the front doors, never wanting to return again, I felt that my true hero test; my Unicorn, was a failure and that I basically failed at this stage in my life...As I got home, I said to myself "University is going to be different...I'm going to have fun, to have friends and the next time I feel this way about a woman, I will not be afraid to tell her"...
I then took a shower and went to bed, awaiting the next part of my journey...
Because I had fast-tracked the more difficult courses, my OAC year was a piece of cake...in fact, I had 2 spares on most days and 3 on Fridays...my course load was smoking...I think the hardest course I had in OAC was Individual Sports, and that was only because I had to play our resident basketball superstar in Ping Pong most of the time...
Speaking of my table tennis opponent, let me say a few words about him...he was easily the tallest person I had ever met...but his smile was bigger then his size, and that was the one quality of his that I always remembered...he was a good man who deserved all of the accolades he received...he got accepted to a great Basketball school, and that was pretty much the last thing I heard about him...unfortunately, things didn't quite work out for him, he never made the NBA, but I'm sure wherever he is, he's happy...I wish him good fortune in life...
With my academic future on hiatus, I was in a position where I could start to make social relationships and start doing things that I really felt passionate about...I began doing more of my Martial Arts training and really got into sparring...in fact, I was even able to enter some competitions and I did pretty well for the most part...thanks to my body type, I never had any broken bones or serious injuries...I had the occasional black eye or large bruise, but nothing that would be horrible...my parents never found out about this, they always felt that fighting was a bad thing and I'm sure they wouldn't have approved...I used to tell them that my injuries were due to me playing football and they believed me...I went and saw so many movies (even more then I usually did) and did the whole 'hang out in malls' thing that all teenagers do...that ended pretty quickly as I had very little money and no posse to hang out with...I thought that ladies loved guys who worked out, so I decided to start working out in the gym in the hopes of making myself buff for the new year...with my eyes set on winning the hearts of ladies everywhere with my sexy physique, I decided that my first goal would be to win the love of the one lady I really cared about...yup, you guessed it...the question was, where do I begin?...the biggest problem was that she had graduated the year before and was no longer at our school...however, she did come by on occasion and seeing as she still had many friends at school, there was a chance that she would be back more often then not...
When she had returned from her unexpected vacation, she had gained a nice, rich copper tan, one that just made you go "oh mama!"...to be prepared for a surprise visit and for any other spontaneous retreat, I kept my network intact, and I had my sources reaching out and trying to get me as much information as possible...can you guess the kind of treasure trove of goodies they found me?...nothing, zilch, nada...they told me nothing...how can you not know anything about someone you hang out with four days of the week?...like I said earlier, they weren't necessarily the sharpest knives in the block...so I thought that it was time for me and my new found confidence to go out and make my presence known to her...I had so many things I wanted to say to her that I decided to write everything down and that way not leave anything out and also to now spaz out in front of her...I wrote out a two page letter, which I still have today, that basically outlined my thoughts, feelings and honorable intentions...you know the movie "Can't Hardly Wait", well, I was the guy...the things he wrote about and felt about, towards his lady love, were the things that I felt and written about...there have only been two women in my life who have brought out these feelings...and though I was able to share them with one and not with the other, unlike the movie, our hero doesn't get the girl...
My forays in to the world of physical activity produced much fruit, and I was really starting to bulk up and get into shape...I never had a six-pack, but I was at least getting some solid muscle on me and I really did begin to gain confidence in my appearance...as the year drew to an end, I was glad for it to be over...I had been accepted into all of my choices for University, and I had decided on attending York University...at the time, my reasoning was that I didn't want to risk blowing my first year and spending almost three times the amount of money when I could get the same kind of degree at a closer school for a fraction of the cost...maybe I did the right thing, maybe I didn't...another reason was that I was still under the belief that I was going to win the girl and that going away to school might not be the best way to start off my dream relationship... I had edited and rewritten the letter so many times, I had begun to forget parts of it...I would wake up in the night, with a new sentiment or theory of her life and as I would sit down and write it out, I would realize that I had already done that the night before...I was losing it, and the sooner I gave her my letter, let her read it, and allow her the dignity to fall in love with me, the sooner I would regain my sanity...
After much debate, the date was set...Codenamed Operation 'Get the Girl' was to commence on March 1...M-Day, as it was later remembered, was going to be an exercise of military precision and had all the chance of being the turning point in this great war of love...I printed out two copies of the letter (by the way, I still have the letter and on occasion read it just so I can realize how pathetically in love I was) just in case the first one was lost, the other one would be flanking its position, ready to move in and rescue the day...finding the right entry point was key, pick the wrong time or place to introduce this literary masterpiece, and it could be brushed aside like leaves in the wind...I picked this day because it was a Friday, leaving me with much of the day to plan and pick the appropriate moment, and I wanted her to have the weekend to digest the heavy sentiment found in my declaration of adoration...I initially was going to discreetly drop the letter into her mailbox, ring the door bell, wait behind the tree in her front yard, let her find it & read it, look around in case she could spot who wrote it, and then let nature take its course...but, this Hero didn't do that because I had channeled the spirit of Don Juan DeMarco himself, and he told me that there was a better way...I didn't want to do the whole candy lettergram thing that I saw someone else do a year before...what I wanted to do was to ring her doorbell, stand before her in my best suit, look into her eyes and say "Hello, I hope I'm not bothering you, but I was wondering if you spare a few moments of your time and afford me an audience?...I really wanted to congratulate you on your graduation with honors and I also wanted to say good luck to you at University of Toronto: Scarborough...the reason why I've rung you today was because I wanted to just tell you how much you've affected me in my life...I want to say thank you for your kindness and your friendship and also that, although I know you are in a relationship, that I have had a little crush on you and that it would be better that I tell you this, as opposed to never sharing this information...I have a letter here for you, which expresses some of my thoughts and feelings about you, I'm sorry for being a little nervous, but this is kinda nerve-wracking for me....if you decide to read it, great, if not, no worries...I just wanted to give it to you, and give you the choice...thank you for your time, your patience and I would like to wish a good journey in life...thanks!"...pretty decent, I guess....maybe not as smooth as Don Juan, but at least I wasn't a total loser...unfortunately, everything that I just wrote was what I wanted to say...I never did say it...I chickened out at the last minute...I was going to leave the letter on her front door, but at the last minute, I decided not to...I even had a friend find out her email address, and had transferred the letter into email format, and was about to press send, when an unexpected 'computer problem' resulted in it not being sent...
I left High School a better person, a person who had endured the hardships of discrimination, ignorance and social exclusion...I had made a few good friends, experienced a lot of wonderful things and became a better person...but as I walked out of the front doors, never wanting to return again, I felt that my true hero test; my Unicorn, was a failure and that I basically failed at this stage in my life...As I got home, I said to myself "University is going to be different...I'm going to have fun, to have friends and the next time I feel this way about a woman, I will not be afraid to tell her"...
I then took a shower and went to bed, awaiting the next part of my journey...
My life at the beginning...Chapter VIII: Karma is a harsh mistress!
To fight and conquer in all of your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting
In order to prove to my worth, I must first show why life would me would be significantly better then with the other guy...first things first, I need to scout the enemy, record any weaknesses and look for weak spots...If I could only figure out how to find out his name without arrising suspicion...
Although I was vaguely familiar with her inner social circle of female hotness, that option was a not a good choice...although they were hot, intelligent and, most likely, genuinely good people, they weren't the nicest to young, single, impressionable guys...I guess that because they were hot, they must have been hit on by a lot of pathetic guys and so they naturally developed a force field of bitchiness...plus, I had apparently used up my one question when I spoke with Young, so I was out of choices...I had to go and approach the guys in the group; the bag holders and openers of doors...if you could have seen these guys, you would have laughed...they were either the stereotypical Greek/Italian, Camero driving, Marlboro smoking douchebag or the slick-back haired, pigeon-toed walking, Du Maurier smoking Chinese douchebag...in either case, they were useless, funny looking, possesors of huge chips on their soldiers and constantly think they were cooler then anyone else...talking with them was going to be difficult because compared to them, I was the exact opposite...although I wasn't as pretty as they were, I was certain my pinky was smarter then their entire group intellect, so I had to use my brain on this one...how do you get what you want from morons?...treat them like dogs and go Pavlov on them...I started off small, introducing myself and bringing a tasty little treat (usually a couple of smokes or some candy) to get over the whole "I don't know" phase...after I earned their confidence, I slowly weaned them off the treats, but their response to me remained the same...after a while, they began acknowledging me when I would walk past, or when they needed help in class, they would ask me...things were starting to fall into place, all I had to do was ask the right questions, and I'd be ready for battle...
After a few weeks, I had gathered my intel...I knew the guys name, where he lived, where he went to school and more importantly, how to kill him...ok, maybe not the last part, but that kind of info would have been helpful...I remember the day I found out his name, I said to myself "oh crap...this is why Karma is a harsh mistress!"...back when I was in Grade 2, I was often picked on in school for my round, fuzzy appearance...I was short, had a mini-chinafro, chubby as an overweight cat and just as fuzzy...although I was cute in picture form, to other kids, I was the perfect target for daily ridiculing and randam moments of violence...thankfully, I could defend myself and so I quickly made any attacker sorry and wonder why they ever decided to drop gloves with me...there was one day when I was playing on the steps of portable when three guys came over to me and started to bother me...they were in the later grades, and thought that they were hot shit....they began with simple enough name calling, and when I tried to leave, they blocked my way and began to push me...thats when I went baby Hercules on them and started throwing punches...being a lot shorter then them, all I was doing was punching up, but I remember hearing a crunch sound followed by a "oh my god, you broke my nose!"...I didn't break his nose, I just made it bleed, but since he was a bully, he had no real guts and he quickly left me alone...fast forward ten years or so, and we find ourselves about to find out the name to the mystery man...I couldn't believe it...there must be a mistake...there is no way they man she is dating, the man she has gone away with is the same man who was a faceless coward; a man with no honor...no mistake, ladies and gentlemen, our lady has fallen in love with the enemy...that sucks!
After finding out this devastating bit of information, I decided that maybe I should concentrate on school for the time being, seeing as it was close to year's end and I was still trying to apply for University...I was in a rut, my mind was constantly going over all the details, wondering if I had lost a once in a lifetime opportunity and how I could have done things differently...I needed to keep myself busy, and I even agreed to help choreograph the Martial Arts demonstration at the World Tour event being held at the end of the school year...another big reason why I agreed to do it was because one of the producers was one of the two people I actually considered friends, and so it was a favor to her...so I did it and I have to admit, it was a lot of fun...sure, one of the highlights of the show was watching my goddess and her posse of hot angels prancing around in Chinese and Korean traditional garb...ok, for the sake of culture and honor, I will pay attention...
My fourth year had come to a close, and with the exception of finding out that little bit of bad news, it wasn't too bad...I finally felt that things had turned around and that entering my final year of study would prove to be my best year yet...
In order to prove to my worth, I must first show why life would me would be significantly better then with the other guy...first things first, I need to scout the enemy, record any weaknesses and look for weak spots...If I could only figure out how to find out his name without arrising suspicion...
Although I was vaguely familiar with her inner social circle of female hotness, that option was a not a good choice...although they were hot, intelligent and, most likely, genuinely good people, they weren't the nicest to young, single, impressionable guys...I guess that because they were hot, they must have been hit on by a lot of pathetic guys and so they naturally developed a force field of bitchiness...plus, I had apparently used up my one question when I spoke with Young, so I was out of choices...I had to go and approach the guys in the group; the bag holders and openers of doors...if you could have seen these guys, you would have laughed...they were either the stereotypical Greek/Italian, Camero driving, Marlboro smoking douchebag or the slick-back haired, pigeon-toed walking, Du Maurier smoking Chinese douchebag...in either case, they were useless, funny looking, possesors of huge chips on their soldiers and constantly think they were cooler then anyone else...talking with them was going to be difficult because compared to them, I was the exact opposite...although I wasn't as pretty as they were, I was certain my pinky was smarter then their entire group intellect, so I had to use my brain on this one...how do you get what you want from morons?...treat them like dogs and go Pavlov on them...I started off small, introducing myself and bringing a tasty little treat (usually a couple of smokes or some candy) to get over the whole "I don't know" phase...after I earned their confidence, I slowly weaned them off the treats, but their response to me remained the same...after a while, they began acknowledging me when I would walk past, or when they needed help in class, they would ask me...things were starting to fall into place, all I had to do was ask the right questions, and I'd be ready for battle...
After a few weeks, I had gathered my intel...I knew the guys name, where he lived, where he went to school and more importantly, how to kill him...ok, maybe not the last part, but that kind of info would have been helpful...I remember the day I found out his name, I said to myself "oh crap...this is why Karma is a harsh mistress!"...back when I was in Grade 2, I was often picked on in school for my round, fuzzy appearance...I was short, had a mini-chinafro, chubby as an overweight cat and just as fuzzy...although I was cute in picture form, to other kids, I was the perfect target for daily ridiculing and randam moments of violence...thankfully, I could defend myself and so I quickly made any attacker sorry and wonder why they ever decided to drop gloves with me...there was one day when I was playing on the steps of portable when three guys came over to me and started to bother me...they were in the later grades, and thought that they were hot shit....they began with simple enough name calling, and when I tried to leave, they blocked my way and began to push me...thats when I went baby Hercules on them and started throwing punches...being a lot shorter then them, all I was doing was punching up, but I remember hearing a crunch sound followed by a "oh my god, you broke my nose!"...I didn't break his nose, I just made it bleed, but since he was a bully, he had no real guts and he quickly left me alone...fast forward ten years or so, and we find ourselves about to find out the name to the mystery man...I couldn't believe it...there must be a mistake...there is no way they man she is dating, the man she has gone away with is the same man who was a faceless coward; a man with no honor...no mistake, ladies and gentlemen, our lady has fallen in love with the enemy...that sucks!
After finding out this devastating bit of information, I decided that maybe I should concentrate on school for the time being, seeing as it was close to year's end and I was still trying to apply for University...I was in a rut, my mind was constantly going over all the details, wondering if I had lost a once in a lifetime opportunity and how I could have done things differently...I needed to keep myself busy, and I even agreed to help choreograph the Martial Arts demonstration at the World Tour event being held at the end of the school year...another big reason why I agreed to do it was because one of the producers was one of the two people I actually considered friends, and so it was a favor to her...so I did it and I have to admit, it was a lot of fun...sure, one of the highlights of the show was watching my goddess and her posse of hot angels prancing around in Chinese and Korean traditional garb...ok, for the sake of culture and honor, I will pay attention...
My fourth year had come to a close, and with the exception of finding out that little bit of bad news, it wasn't too bad...I finally felt that things had turned around and that entering my final year of study would prove to be my best year yet...
My life at the beginning...Chapter VII: My time in the sun with a goddess
The goal of our presentation was to do a drama scene in which we were to answer "what happens next?"...this scene was based upon a list of books and it was designed for groups of two to three people...since my group was composed of five, there was to be one group of three and one group of two...on the day we were assigned this project, only one person was not there...at the time, I didn't know that it was my goddess but we all decided that whoever it was, I would be partnered with that person...let me paint a picture for you...imagine a young man, sitting at his desk waiting to find out who his partner was for an important class project...a project that was worth half of our final grade...now, I was not nor am I now, a comfortable drama actor and so I was hoping that at least whoever it was, they would be better then I...lets start with a slow pan down, focus in on the face of your Hero, and slowly pulling back, showing the entire class and everyone there...cut to a hallway where a pair of high heel shoes are clicking their way down it....move back to the class and you can start to see the anticipation on my face...anticipation or anxiety?...either or, a slow sweat begins to build, a single drop of sweat trickle down the side of my face...back to the high heel shoes, the camera begins to pan up, first you see a pair of smooth legs, followed by a sexy short skirt, a red jacket....back to my face where I'm now looking towards the door, my hands shaking slightly and I gulp in the hopes of clearing my throat...knock, knock, knock...the door opens, a blinding beam of light bursts through the door...sweet music from the heavens above floods the room causing everything, including our own heart beats, to slow down...out of nowhere, a white dove flies across my field of vision, and when I look at the person at the door, a quick shot of my face shows a face of pure astonishment and joy...who can this be?...who could command such a presence that even Father Time himself would stop and say "Damn!"...you got it, my goddess...oh blessed, thy name is Kao...end scene...
I forget what book we chose, but I do remember the scene we mapped out...we pretended to be a married couple who was experiencing hard times...the book was about the tribulations of an Irish family trying to survive and make a living out in the open plains of Oaklahoma...yes, and two chinese people were about to play an Irish family...yes, sounds ridiculous, but seeing as we were the last group formed, our choices were quite limited...nonetheless, we embraced this idea, and I felt that it would be important if we started working on it immediately, so as to do well...We would stay after school and go over our little scene, trying to make it more believable and still trying to stay true to the storyline and subtext found in the book...because I was in some of her other classes, I finally had an avenue to start conversing with her randomly without looking like some kind of stalker...it was awesome...I would walk up to her in our Science & Society class, sit down next to her and start talking about the project, and she would talk back...do you know whats it like to actually talk to your dream?...sure, we spoke only in terms of school and there was no social or intimate conversations had, but I took this is a sign...baby steps towards the greater goal; the goal being the eventual earning of respect of trust from her, leading to me asking her out...oh yeah, I had played it out a million times in my mind and I thought it would work out...If you know me now, I'm sure you can guess how it turned out...after two months of painstaking rehearsals and constant rewrites to the script, we were about as ready as can be for our big day...in one of my greater moments, I was able to work in a hug and a peck on the cheek into the script...yes, it sounds a little pathetic, but dude, you have no idea how excited I was...too bad we couldn't practice the peck a little more often, I'm a believer in practice makes perfect, but I think Michelle felt it was good enough...we decided that our presentation would be set in the home of the family, shortly after it ends, discussing the lost of a loved one and the increasin burdens of financial debt and back crops...not to be narcissistic, but I think I was spectacular...sure, I forgot a few lines here and there, but I was able to ad-lib a few interesting variations...actually, I sucked ass and I think one of my ad-lib moments including the words "dude" in it...not exactly historically accurate but I felt that it kep the pace of the show going...maybe I'm slightly biased, but I think Michelle was sensational...looking all sexy in a homely, Anne of Green Gable, kind of way...don't you find it weird that sometimes the more conservative and covered up a beautiful woman is, the sexier and hotter they appear?...
After the presentation was done, it was a few weeks till the Holiday break, and so I thought that this would be a great time to spring my trap!...ok, that sounds a little harsh, what I meant to say is that this would have been a perfect time for me to lay the ground work for a wonderful relationship... better?...the only problem is, no one bothered to tell her of my ideas for romance...I had the whole thing figured out...I would non-chalently approach her, say thanks for working together on the presentation, and ask her what her holiday plans were...after she would tell me what she had planned, which by the way I already found (I had asked a few of her friends in a discreet manner), I would something like "well, perhaps you would like to get a cup of coffee or catch a movie some time?"...good plan, huh?...I thought so...the day after I came up with this pearl of a plan, I walked into the cafeteria in hopes of finding the future Mrs Wu...she wasn't there, but her friend Young was and so decided to ask her where she was...on a side note, like I said earlier, beautiful, intelligent women hang out with beautiful, intelligent women, and Young was no exception...to this day, I don't remember many things of High School, but I do remember names and faces, and a name and face and body like Young's was a hard thing to forget...unfortunately, she wasn't as nice as my goddess was and when I asked her where I could find Michelle, she told me in a rather brisk and cold way that she had gone away on an early vacation with her boyfriend and wouldn't be back till the New Year...
I was devastated...she had a boyfriend...you may be wondering how in my research, I could have missed this huge and blaring obstacle in my future hopes of marrying this women and all I can say is, oops...I never asked that question, although I probably knew she had a boyfriend...I guess I was just naive and dreaming that someone like her would want to be with me while in a relationship...I guess too many movies had warped my fragile little mind...I took this blow as a hero's test and decided that forewarned is forearmed...I set out to find out as much as I could about my enemy, because as Sun Tzu always said "if your enemy is sercure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is tempermental, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, seperate them. If sovereign and subject are in accord, put division between them. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected." I needed to find a way to put a divide between him and my goddess, while at the same time appear innocent of this...I was not going to give him any rest; if he wanted to be with my future wife, then damnit, he better work for it every single day...
Let the games begin!
I forget what book we chose, but I do remember the scene we mapped out...we pretended to be a married couple who was experiencing hard times...the book was about the tribulations of an Irish family trying to survive and make a living out in the open plains of Oaklahoma...yes, and two chinese people were about to play an Irish family...yes, sounds ridiculous, but seeing as we were the last group formed, our choices were quite limited...nonetheless, we embraced this idea, and I felt that it would be important if we started working on it immediately, so as to do well...We would stay after school and go over our little scene, trying to make it more believable and still trying to stay true to the storyline and subtext found in the book...because I was in some of her other classes, I finally had an avenue to start conversing with her randomly without looking like some kind of stalker...it was awesome...I would walk up to her in our Science & Society class, sit down next to her and start talking about the project, and she would talk back...do you know whats it like to actually talk to your dream?...sure, we spoke only in terms of school and there was no social or intimate conversations had, but I took this is a sign...baby steps towards the greater goal; the goal being the eventual earning of respect of trust from her, leading to me asking her out...oh yeah, I had played it out a million times in my mind and I thought it would work out...If you know me now, I'm sure you can guess how it turned out...after two months of painstaking rehearsals and constant rewrites to the script, we were about as ready as can be for our big day...in one of my greater moments, I was able to work in a hug and a peck on the cheek into the script...yes, it sounds a little pathetic, but dude, you have no idea how excited I was...too bad we couldn't practice the peck a little more often, I'm a believer in practice makes perfect, but I think Michelle felt it was good enough...we decided that our presentation would be set in the home of the family, shortly after it ends, discussing the lost of a loved one and the increasin burdens of financial debt and back crops...not to be narcissistic, but I think I was spectacular...sure, I forgot a few lines here and there, but I was able to ad-lib a few interesting variations...actually, I sucked ass and I think one of my ad-lib moments including the words "dude" in it...not exactly historically accurate but I felt that it kep the pace of the show going...maybe I'm slightly biased, but I think Michelle was sensational...looking all sexy in a homely, Anne of Green Gable, kind of way...don't you find it weird that sometimes the more conservative and covered up a beautiful woman is, the sexier and hotter they appear?...
After the presentation was done, it was a few weeks till the Holiday break, and so I thought that this would be a great time to spring my trap!...ok, that sounds a little harsh, what I meant to say is that this would have been a perfect time for me to lay the ground work for a wonderful relationship... better?...the only problem is, no one bothered to tell her of my ideas for romance...I had the whole thing figured out...I would non-chalently approach her, say thanks for working together on the presentation, and ask her what her holiday plans were...after she would tell me what she had planned, which by the way I already found (I had asked a few of her friends in a discreet manner), I would something like "well, perhaps you would like to get a cup of coffee or catch a movie some time?"...good plan, huh?...I thought so...the day after I came up with this pearl of a plan, I walked into the cafeteria in hopes of finding the future Mrs Wu...she wasn't there, but her friend Young was and so decided to ask her where she was...on a side note, like I said earlier, beautiful, intelligent women hang out with beautiful, intelligent women, and Young was no exception...to this day, I don't remember many things of High School, but I do remember names and faces, and a name and face and body like Young's was a hard thing to forget...unfortunately, she wasn't as nice as my goddess was and when I asked her where I could find Michelle, she told me in a rather brisk and cold way that she had gone away on an early vacation with her boyfriend and wouldn't be back till the New Year...
I was devastated...she had a boyfriend...you may be wondering how in my research, I could have missed this huge and blaring obstacle in my future hopes of marrying this women and all I can say is, oops...I never asked that question, although I probably knew she had a boyfriend...I guess I was just naive and dreaming that someone like her would want to be with me while in a relationship...I guess too many movies had warped my fragile little mind...I took this blow as a hero's test and decided that forewarned is forearmed...I set out to find out as much as I could about my enemy, because as Sun Tzu always said "if your enemy is sercure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is tempermental, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, seperate them. If sovereign and subject are in accord, put division between them. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected." I needed to find a way to put a divide between him and my goddess, while at the same time appear innocent of this...I was not going to give him any rest; if he wanted to be with my future wife, then damnit, he better work for it every single day...
Let the games begin!
My life at the beginning…Chapter VI: Welcome to Purgatori, I’ll be your guide!
If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.
I read the “Art of War” by Sun Tzu back in grade 9…I was intrigued by a book that was written by a Chinese fellow over two thousand years ago, but is still applicable today…so many people use the words and teachings of this man in their daily lives, whether its in business, politics and sports, that even in this modern age of technology his words resonate even more then it did back when he lived…the Art of War is almost a guide, filled with interpretations and alternative ways at looking at warfare and all of the administrative parts of it, and applying it to your life…it is because of this general yet specific way of making sense of things, that its teachings can be applied to pretty much anything…
It was the summer before my fourth year in Bethune…I had be ostracized by my so-called ‘friends’, deemed unworthy by the social outcasts of companionship and was beginning to feel that nothing could make me feel worse…although I had decided to bounce back and take control of my life again, I needed a sign…something that would provide that spark of inspiration, a moment clarity that would indeed allow me to refocus my thoughts and move forward…as I mentioned before, its funny how after so many years of growing up, experiencing life and traveling thousands of miles, I once again find myself in the same emotional pit of loneliness…the only difference about me today vs. me of yesterday, is that although I feel sad and alone, I have confidence in myself and know that things will be better…but back then, I didn’t have this strength and I really needed an outlet to express my feelings…that’s why I’m fortunate now to have this blog option, because writing down my experiences, thoughts and feelings is very therapeutic…
Whoever is first in the field and awaits the coming of the enemy, will be fresh for the fight; whoever is second in the field and has to hasten to battle will arrive exhausted.
Going back to my story, I was restless and I needed a sign…I decided that instead of taking the school bus, I was going to get there early and be ready for whatever my first day of school had to offer…I had already gone through registration and so I knew where my classes were…I was in a good position, felt comfortable and was beginning to think that things wouldn’t be so bad…this year was going to be an interesting one in that I had fast-tracked some of the mandatory classes such as English and Math and I was going to be doing Co-op…that meant that for a few days of the week, I would be out in the working world and not at a place full of hate and awkwardness…but the most exciting part of this year was that I would be in three classes with Ms. Michelle Kao…wow, even today I still get goose bumps when I say her name out loud…in the first few weeks of school, things were pleasant…instead of eating lunch in the cafeteria, I decided to move into the library…our library had two conference rooms and so I started going there at lunch time to eat lunch and to just escape from the constant clucking that I heard everywhere…I had a spare after lunch and so for two and half hours a day, I was allowed to just sit back, read a book, do some work or even sleep without having to feel bad…in my previous year, I had met two girls in my English class…they were very nice, incredibly smart and more importantly, they actually seemed to enjoy my company…so, when I started hiding in the library, I invited them to join me in my little sanctuary…they took me up on my offer and for the rest of the year, lunch was once again enjoyable and relaxed…it didn’t hurt either that I was surrounded by three girls most of the time, but those are just minor details…
I read the “Art of War” by Sun Tzu back in grade 9…I was intrigued by a book that was written by a Chinese fellow over two thousand years ago, but is still applicable today…so many people use the words and teachings of this man in their daily lives, whether its in business, politics and sports, that even in this modern age of technology his words resonate even more then it did back when he lived…the Art of War is almost a guide, filled with interpretations and alternative ways at looking at warfare and all of the administrative parts of it, and applying it to your life…it is because of this general yet specific way of making sense of things, that its teachings can be applied to pretty much anything…
It was the summer before my fourth year in Bethune…I had be ostracized by my so-called ‘friends’, deemed unworthy by the social outcasts of companionship and was beginning to feel that nothing could make me feel worse…although I had decided to bounce back and take control of my life again, I needed a sign…something that would provide that spark of inspiration, a moment clarity that would indeed allow me to refocus my thoughts and move forward…as I mentioned before, its funny how after so many years of growing up, experiencing life and traveling thousands of miles, I once again find myself in the same emotional pit of loneliness…the only difference about me today vs. me of yesterday, is that although I feel sad and alone, I have confidence in myself and know that things will be better…but back then, I didn’t have this strength and I really needed an outlet to express my feelings…that’s why I’m fortunate now to have this blog option, because writing down my experiences, thoughts and feelings is very therapeutic…
Whoever is first in the field and awaits the coming of the enemy, will be fresh for the fight; whoever is second in the field and has to hasten to battle will arrive exhausted.
Going back to my story, I was restless and I needed a sign…I decided that instead of taking the school bus, I was going to get there early and be ready for whatever my first day of school had to offer…I had already gone through registration and so I knew where my classes were…I was in a good position, felt comfortable and was beginning to think that things wouldn’t be so bad…this year was going to be an interesting one in that I had fast-tracked some of the mandatory classes such as English and Math and I was going to be doing Co-op…that meant that for a few days of the week, I would be out in the working world and not at a place full of hate and awkwardness…but the most exciting part of this year was that I would be in three classes with Ms. Michelle Kao…wow, even today I still get goose bumps when I say her name out loud…in the first few weeks of school, things were pleasant…instead of eating lunch in the cafeteria, I decided to move into the library…our library had two conference rooms and so I started going there at lunch time to eat lunch and to just escape from the constant clucking that I heard everywhere…I had a spare after lunch and so for two and half hours a day, I was allowed to just sit back, read a book, do some work or even sleep without having to feel bad…in my previous year, I had met two girls in my English class…they were very nice, incredibly smart and more importantly, they actually seemed to enjoy my company…so, when I started hiding in the library, I invited them to join me in my little sanctuary…they took me up on my offer and for the rest of the year, lunch was once again enjoyable and relaxed…it didn’t hurt either that I was surrounded by three girls most of the time, but those are just minor details…
For Co-op, I had decided to pursue the science option and I was placed at Centenary Health Centre…I was sent to the Nuclear Medicine Department where I was assigned as an assistant to the technicians of that department…I was lucky enough that my supervisor had students there before and had an actual game plan of things for me to do…years later, when I would have my own young student’s mind to mold and shape, I found out that it was a lot harder to keep him busy then I thought…it was a great time, I learned a lot about radioisotopes, stress tests, setting up IV’s and how to avoid the kick of an 84 year old cancer patient who doesn’t want to be in a scanner for two hours…another great part of my experience at the hospital was that my supervisor was able to get me into different departments and experience different facets of Hospital life…I got to work in the ER, ICU, neonatal, physical rehab, biotechnology, pharmacy, psychiatric and I even got to witness a quadruple bypass surgery, a knee replacement, a nose job and a left leg amputation…as a young student and someone who hadn’t made a decision about his future, this was an eye-opening time, one filled with sights, smells and sounds that proved to be the most invaluable learning time of my life…
I was finally starting to feel like things were getting better…lunches were fun again, three days a week, I was at a place that gave my life a new perspective, and more importantly, I had lucked out and was placed in an English presentation group with two superhot ladies, a jock douche and my goddess…could things get any better?...apparently not, but they can certainly get a hell of a lot worse…
My life at the beginning...Chapter V: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
So, you can imagine the look on my face when I'm sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch when I look up and see his face at the door, looking for his newest 'friend'...and can you guess who he fixes his gaze on in a room that had at least 300 people in it?...I'll give you three guesses, but you'll only need one...nope, it wasn't the derriere-enhanced Power Booty nor my Unicorn, although if he did pick, I would have had to defended her honor from the scourge that was him...Nope, the lucky victim was yours truly...I had hit the jackpot in the "Let's screw your life" sweepstakes and boy was I about to collect...in retrospect, perhaps I could have been a little nicer, or more understanding or shown more compassion to him...I mean, he was as much of a social out cast as I was back when I started in school, except the main difference between us was that I had worked very hear to earn the respect and trust of my meager band of acquaintances and friends...so, when he came up to, slammed his hand on my back and proceeded to speak in a louder then needed voice that I was his best friend from Elementary school, and that my friends were now his friends, I was a little upset and stunned by that...for the next month and a half, I avoided him like the plague...I would literally walk around the school, outside in the freezing cold if necessary, just to avoid any unnecessary eye contact...this was starting to get a little ridiculous, but I didn't know what else to do...however, things began to get worse for him when he started to pull the same old tired tricks he did back in Elementary school with a new group of people...remember how I said that there was a group of individuals that weren't necessarily the nicest of people?...well, they certainly didn't help the situation by being themselves, for very quickly, everyone began to know and hate this guy...it wasn't like he deseved to be hated, but he was very annoying...so annoying in fact, that only his ability to be emotionally exhausting and totally frustrating, eclipsed his annoying super-power...but was hating him truly necessary?...in any case, as random people began treating him badly and without any kind of respect, his actions and statements began to get louder and more embellished....
It was a Tuesday afternoon, and I was sitting in the cafeteria eating a homemade burger that was lovingly made the night before...dude, it was an awesome burger, its too bad my mom doesn't make them anymore...they were an inch think, filled with onion and mushrooms and both juicy yet firm...mmmmm....sorry, where was I?...oh yes, the burger...so yeah, I was eating lunch with my friends when in HE came...he sat down next to my friend and then began to start talking about random things that had absolutely no bearing on us or the topics we were talking about...all of a sudden, he decides to stand up from the table and give someone on the other side of the table something from his bag...now, why he didn't do this seated, I'll never know, but he stands up and somehow, someway, he is able to not only push the table away, but he knocks over his own chair, which in turn trips the person walking behind us and causes food to be flung all over us...I swear, it was straight out of a comedy, and I probably would have laughed it off were it not for the fact that I was covered in beef barley soup and sadly, my burger was ruined...we all turned towards this guy, and instead of getting some kind of apology, he starts laughing and even asks us to huddle together for a picture for the yearbook...this angers my friend, and he answers the request by pushing him into the table pretty hard...as he's falling into the table, he boucnes into, to which I grab his shoulder and deflect him to my right, causing him to spin around a couple of times and fall to the ground...now, I was pissed and had it not been for the teachers coming over to see what all the commotion was all about, I probably would have gone Jihad on him...but I didn't and I remember him being helped up by a teacher, yelling at us that we had hurt his neck and that he was going to sue us and have us all put into jail for assault...like I said, I was pissed and so I pushed the teacher who was holding me aside and grabbed the chair he was sitting on from behind...I spun it around and placed my palm on his head and said "your head hurts?...are you sure it hurts?...because you are a liar and you are lying now like you always did back in elementary school...you want pain, I'll make sure you neck really hurts"...apparently, that constitutes a 'threat' (go figure) and I was dragged away by two teachers and sent directly to the Principals office...I remember sitting outside his office, with my friend who started the whole mess, waiting to be seen...my friend went first to see the Principal and after about 5 minutes, he came out looking a little disheveled, but nonetheless alright...I was told that while my friend was being suspended for three days, I was being suspended for one week because I attacked a fellow student, uttered a threat and was the cause of the whole fight...hold on, wait a sec...was I just being blamed for the whole thing?...I said, "excuse me, although I admit to uttering the threat and I did push him off me when he was falling, it was the other guy who started the whole thing!...the guy didn't believe me and I was summarily sent home with no explanation whatsoever....
Let me tell you, I was pissed...I called my friend, but he never picked up the phone...I wanted to speak to him and say "dude, what happened?...you sold me out!...how could you blame me for starting this whole thing?"...I had felt that my honor was being attacked and I take that very seriously...I found out a few years later, that he told the Principal he was trying to break up the fight and was inadvertently brought into it...he aid taht I had started the whole thing and that because I was an old 'friend' of his and we had history, that I had a grudge against him... thankfully, I found this out after I was done school, otherwise I probably would have been suspended again...When I went back to school a week later, I assumed that things would return back to normal but, instead, I was greeted with the sweet sound of silence...no one would speak with me...no one would stand next to me in line for the bus or sit with me at lunch...if I tried to initiate a conversaton or walk towards people, the talks would stop relatively quickly and people would start to move away from me...apparently, the consensus was that I was the cause of the SAC's newest member to be suspended and that hanging out with me was a sure fire way of getting into trouble...I felt like it was my first day of High School again, being attacked by my own personal welcoming committe and being hung out to dry...it took pretty much the rest of the school year before people started to 'forgive me', but by this time, I had decided that I didn't need them and that I would rather watch every single person (minus my Unicorn and brother) burn in a lake of fire before I would raise my finger to help...
On a quick side note, there are only two people that I still talk with from High School...they were the only peole who genuinely cared about me and even during all of the highs and lows, they stood by me and offered whatever assistance they could...if I have any positive memories of Bethune, their friendship to me is near the top, just below those of my Unicorn, of course...they know who they are, and I make sure that every change I get, I tell them how important they are to me...
I was falling into a pit of dispair and darkness...this darkness was partially of my own doing, but I truly felt that I was getting the short end of the stick...I faced a critical decision: do I quit now and go to a different High School where I can start again or, do I show these so-called 'friends' what a pissed-off Wu can do when he has nothing to lose?
Funny how eight years later, I would be faced with a similar decisioin...
It was a Tuesday afternoon, and I was sitting in the cafeteria eating a homemade burger that was lovingly made the night before...dude, it was an awesome burger, its too bad my mom doesn't make them anymore...they were an inch think, filled with onion and mushrooms and both juicy yet firm...mmmmm....sorry, where was I?...oh yes, the burger...so yeah, I was eating lunch with my friends when in HE came...he sat down next to my friend and then began to start talking about random things that had absolutely no bearing on us or the topics we were talking about...all of a sudden, he decides to stand up from the table and give someone on the other side of the table something from his bag...now, why he didn't do this seated, I'll never know, but he stands up and somehow, someway, he is able to not only push the table away, but he knocks over his own chair, which in turn trips the person walking behind us and causes food to be flung all over us...I swear, it was straight out of a comedy, and I probably would have laughed it off were it not for the fact that I was covered in beef barley soup and sadly, my burger was ruined...we all turned towards this guy, and instead of getting some kind of apology, he starts laughing and even asks us to huddle together for a picture for the yearbook...this angers my friend, and he answers the request by pushing him into the table pretty hard...as he's falling into the table, he boucnes into, to which I grab his shoulder and deflect him to my right, causing him to spin around a couple of times and fall to the ground...now, I was pissed and had it not been for the teachers coming over to see what all the commotion was all about, I probably would have gone Jihad on him...but I didn't and I remember him being helped up by a teacher, yelling at us that we had hurt his neck and that he was going to sue us and have us all put into jail for assault...like I said, I was pissed and so I pushed the teacher who was holding me aside and grabbed the chair he was sitting on from behind...I spun it around and placed my palm on his head and said "your head hurts?...are you sure it hurts?...because you are a liar and you are lying now like you always did back in elementary school...you want pain, I'll make sure you neck really hurts"...apparently, that constitutes a 'threat' (go figure) and I was dragged away by two teachers and sent directly to the Principals office...I remember sitting outside his office, with my friend who started the whole mess, waiting to be seen...my friend went first to see the Principal and after about 5 minutes, he came out looking a little disheveled, but nonetheless alright...I was told that while my friend was being suspended for three days, I was being suspended for one week because I attacked a fellow student, uttered a threat and was the cause of the whole fight...hold on, wait a sec...was I just being blamed for the whole thing?...I said, "excuse me, although I admit to uttering the threat and I did push him off me when he was falling, it was the other guy who started the whole thing!...the guy didn't believe me and I was summarily sent home with no explanation whatsoever....
Let me tell you, I was pissed...I called my friend, but he never picked up the phone...I wanted to speak to him and say "dude, what happened?...you sold me out!...how could you blame me for starting this whole thing?"...I had felt that my honor was being attacked and I take that very seriously...I found out a few years later, that he told the Principal he was trying to break up the fight and was inadvertently brought into it...he aid taht I had started the whole thing and that because I was an old 'friend' of his and we had history, that I had a grudge against him... thankfully, I found this out after I was done school, otherwise I probably would have been suspended again...When I went back to school a week later, I assumed that things would return back to normal but, instead, I was greeted with the sweet sound of silence...no one would speak with me...no one would stand next to me in line for the bus or sit with me at lunch...if I tried to initiate a conversaton or walk towards people, the talks would stop relatively quickly and people would start to move away from me...apparently, the consensus was that I was the cause of the SAC's newest member to be suspended and that hanging out with me was a sure fire way of getting into trouble...I felt like it was my first day of High School again, being attacked by my own personal welcoming committe and being hung out to dry...it took pretty much the rest of the school year before people started to 'forgive me', but by this time, I had decided that I didn't need them and that I would rather watch every single person (minus my Unicorn and brother) burn in a lake of fire before I would raise my finger to help...
On a quick side note, there are only two people that I still talk with from High School...they were the only peole who genuinely cared about me and even during all of the highs and lows, they stood by me and offered whatever assistance they could...if I have any positive memories of Bethune, their friendship to me is near the top, just below those of my Unicorn, of course...they know who they are, and I make sure that every change I get, I tell them how important they are to me...
I was falling into a pit of dispair and darkness...this darkness was partially of my own doing, but I truly felt that I was getting the short end of the stick...I faced a critical decision: do I quit now and go to a different High School where I can start again or, do I show these so-called 'friends' what a pissed-off Wu can do when he has nothing to lose?
Funny how eight years later, I would be faced with a similar decisioin...
My life at the beginning...Chapter IV: Calm Before The Storm!
For a little while, things were going well for me...I had started making a few friends, and was beginning to really feel like I was part of the High School scene...sure I still felt pretty awkward when it came to girls but, then again, who didn't?...I was doing well in school and was even considering becoming more involved in some social groups such as the Yearbook and maybe the Debate team...then HE showed up...
Let me backtrack a little bit...you see, I basically had two groups of friends...one group that was composed mostly of people who lived in and around the area of the school and were part of a larger group themselves...I was almost like the outsider who knew a few of the main players and so was inovolved on the occasional conversation...this group treated themselves like the welcoming committee of our school...they composed the majority of the SAC (the student run council) and so were part of a lot of the Social activities like dances and the yearbook...looking back now, I wonder why I even cared what they thought about me...I mean, 90% of them were snobby and rude to people that didn't go to the same elementary school as they did...as for myself, I wasn't rude, or a braggart, or made claims of male supremacy (unlike I do today)...I was just a guy who was looking to find a group of friends that would hopefully make my time at school a little more fun...only a few of them seemed to even acknowledge my presence, and Ic an count with two fingers, the number of people who actually cared about me...because of the lukewarm reception I was receiving from these individuals, my second group of friends were much more important to me...they were composed entirely of kids who took the school bus...I think the only reason why these guys seemed to be better friends to me was only because, for about 30 minutes a day, all we could do was wait around and talk until the bus came...it wasn' tlike we would talk about anything intuitive or thoughtful like World Issues or Politics...what our conversation topics usually revolved around was how much we despised an upcoming test or teacher, or we'd talk about girls, who we christened with colorful nicknames that were assigned due to certain physcial attributes (we used to call one girl 'Power Booty', I think you can pretty much figure that one out)....but they were my friends, and so at least for a small part of my life, I was feeling a little happier...
It was during my third year in school that things began to unfold around me...some of my friends and acquaintances in the 'bus crew' had decided that the grass looked greener on the other side and wanted to become members of the SAC, which may sound innocent enough, but I swear that it was the High School equivalent of an Apocalyptic Death Squad (Sorry Jess, but you are the only person from the SC that wasn't evil, and thusly, I omit you from this statement...you are not entirely evil)...the thign is, once you're in the system, you don't change it, it changes you...and that is exactly what was happening: people that I had been friends with for months and years even were slowly disavowing themselves from us...now, my natural tendency was to quickly get to the heart of the matter, and if necessary, break a few heads...but since I didn't have very many friends, I thought that maybe I should at least try a more diplomatic approach before I hit them...unfortunately, I think I should have spoken up sooner, or said something like "dudes, what the hell is going on?...what's up?"
It was around this time that I was visited by the ghost of Christmas past...actually, he was an old classmate of mine from Elementary school, but I was just as surprised when I saw him that he could have been a ghost...when I knew this guy back in my youth, he was the kid who would eat glue, try to play with you and when he'd be rejected for eating glue, he would claim that we hated him and had beaten him up...now, were we totally innocent of this?...sure we did torture him a little, but it wasn't wasn't like we were poking him with sharp needles or blasting him with pictures of Rosie O'Donnell in a thong...its just that as soon as we would walk away from him, he would make this huge stink, start whining and complaining and the next thing we knew, a teacher would be there scolding us for hurting his feelings...little kids can be mean and harsher then the most cold blooded of adults, but we never did anything serious to him...I really mean that...this became such a problem that lets just say after a few trips to detention, we all learned that it was easier to just run away from him and feign ignorance...so when I was done Elementary school and started High School, he went to the other school and I was finally free from him…however, little did I know that he actually transferred to my school shortly into the beginning of Grade 10 because he was being tormented at the other School…I guess he just wasn’t appreciated there and felt that perhaps he could get away with his tricks at another school..
Let me backtrack a little bit...you see, I basically had two groups of friends...one group that was composed mostly of people who lived in and around the area of the school and were part of a larger group themselves...I was almost like the outsider who knew a few of the main players and so was inovolved on the occasional conversation...this group treated themselves like the welcoming committee of our school...they composed the majority of the SAC (the student run council) and so were part of a lot of the Social activities like dances and the yearbook...looking back now, I wonder why I even cared what they thought about me...I mean, 90% of them were snobby and rude to people that didn't go to the same elementary school as they did...as for myself, I wasn't rude, or a braggart, or made claims of male supremacy (unlike I do today)...I was just a guy who was looking to find a group of friends that would hopefully make my time at school a little more fun...only a few of them seemed to even acknowledge my presence, and Ic an count with two fingers, the number of people who actually cared about me...because of the lukewarm reception I was receiving from these individuals, my second group of friends were much more important to me...they were composed entirely of kids who took the school bus...I think the only reason why these guys seemed to be better friends to me was only because, for about 30 minutes a day, all we could do was wait around and talk until the bus came...it wasn' tlike we would talk about anything intuitive or thoughtful like World Issues or Politics...what our conversation topics usually revolved around was how much we despised an upcoming test or teacher, or we'd talk about girls, who we christened with colorful nicknames that were assigned due to certain physcial attributes (we used to call one girl 'Power Booty', I think you can pretty much figure that one out)....but they were my friends, and so at least for a small part of my life, I was feeling a little happier...
It was during my third year in school that things began to unfold around me...some of my friends and acquaintances in the 'bus crew' had decided that the grass looked greener on the other side and wanted to become members of the SAC, which may sound innocent enough, but I swear that it was the High School equivalent of an Apocalyptic Death Squad (Sorry Jess, but you are the only person from the SC that wasn't evil, and thusly, I omit you from this statement...you are not entirely evil)...the thign is, once you're in the system, you don't change it, it changes you...and that is exactly what was happening: people that I had been friends with for months and years even were slowly disavowing themselves from us...now, my natural tendency was to quickly get to the heart of the matter, and if necessary, break a few heads...but since I didn't have very many friends, I thought that maybe I should at least try a more diplomatic approach before I hit them...unfortunately, I think I should have spoken up sooner, or said something like "dudes, what the hell is going on?...what's up?"
It was around this time that I was visited by the ghost of Christmas past...actually, he was an old classmate of mine from Elementary school, but I was just as surprised when I saw him that he could have been a ghost...when I knew this guy back in my youth, he was the kid who would eat glue, try to play with you and when he'd be rejected for eating glue, he would claim that we hated him and had beaten him up...now, were we totally innocent of this?...sure we did torture him a little, but it wasn't wasn't like we were poking him with sharp needles or blasting him with pictures of Rosie O'Donnell in a thong...its just that as soon as we would walk away from him, he would make this huge stink, start whining and complaining and the next thing we knew, a teacher would be there scolding us for hurting his feelings...little kids can be mean and harsher then the most cold blooded of adults, but we never did anything serious to him...I really mean that...this became such a problem that lets just say after a few trips to detention, we all learned that it was easier to just run away from him and feign ignorance...so when I was done Elementary school and started High School, he went to the other school and I was finally free from him…however, little did I know that he actually transferred to my school shortly into the beginning of Grade 10 because he was being tormented at the other School…I guess he just wasn’t appreciated there and felt that perhaps he could get away with his tricks at another school..
My life at the beginning...Chapter III: To Fight or Not to Fight
I hate bullies...although technically, I was kind of a bully myself...you see, what they didn't know was that I liked to fight and was trying to use every ounce of restraint I knew not to hop over the table strangle is scrawny little neck...I remember that before I started school that day, my dad said to me "Son, have fun, don't get into trouble and try not to get into any fights"...2 out of 3 wasn't so bad...
My locker was on the 2nd floor, near the back of the school, and coincidentally only 3 down from the Urchin...I made my way to my locker and was about to pick up my lunch when BAM, I was shoved from behind into my locker...I turned around and saw him standing there with 2 of his flunkies flanking him on either side...the next few minutes seemed to last forever...him and his friends were laughing, calling me wuss...I didn't have anything to say or do with them, so I ignored them...it was then that they made their final mistake, you see one of the guys reached out, took my lunch box from me and threw it down the hall...now, no one takes my food, and I mean no one...the next few seconds are a blur, but I remember throwin one of them down the hall, breaking the nose of the second fellow and holding the Urchin by his shirt well off the ground...he was begging me to put him down, and all I could think of was how mean he was to me earlier...I started to slam his head over and over into his locker until eventually he started to cry...at this time, a couple of teachers had arrived and I was dragged away, down to the Principal's office...it took a few minutes before I came to the realization that I stood a good chance of being expelled from school on the very first day...that must have been a record...I was expelled or suspended, but I did have to make an apology to each of their families and was told to stay away from there...as for them, they were gone for the entire week, trying to heal up...
For the next week, things went slowly for me...my little rumble caused quite a stir and no one wanted to be seen next to me because they were afraid that when the Urchin and his posse returned, that revenge was in order...personally, I didn't care but I could see why I was avoided the entire week...I ate lunch in the library, went to class and as soon as school was done, boarded the school bus and went home...
When they finally returned, nothing happened...they went back to their obnoxious ways, picking on the socially awkward, making snide remarks...they even went back to insulting me, but as soon as I would stop in front of them, or look at them, they would stop right away and look away...I thought that my fighting them was the worse thing I could have ever done, but what I found out was that after standing up to them, people started seeing me in a different light...it wasn't long before I made my first friend and things started to get better for me...
High School life was pretty boring for me...I wasn't good enough for the Basketball or Volleyball team...I wasn't smart enough for the Chess or Debate team...I wasn't good looking enough to hang out with the good looking, smokers and I wasn't rich enough to own a car or spend my lunch time at the local mall, eating McDonalds...My existence was one of going to school and going home...I didn't fit in anywhere, even after being at this school for over 3 years...then I had a moment of clarity...
Up to this moment, I had resigned myself to a very lonely social life...so, at the beginning of my 3rd year, I decided to take Semestered English, that way allowing me to fast track and be one year ahead in English...now, this idea wasn't based on my desire to learn or to grow intellectually...the way I figured it, I fast track English, and then next year, I can be in Michelle Kao's class the next year...who knows, maybe by then she would see me in a different light and perhaps we would have our kodak moment...hey, it was a long shot, but at least for the first time in my life, I decided to take control of something and go for broke...
When I walked into my English class, I nearly stopped dead in my tracks for sitting in my class was the hottest girl in my class year...if I had to write a list of the top 3 hottest ladies in all the school, it would have went 1) Michelle Kao, 2) Rachel Leung and 3) Somebody else...why Rachel Leung decided to take the Semestered English was beyond me, but I didn't care...all I cared about was that for the next year, I was going to be sitting next to a woman who could have easily been a model...I settled myself down and was about to sit next to her when she looked up and called out to a male friend of hers...he scootched into the room and sat right next to her...oh well, at least she was in my class...
I thought that I was on the right path, that perhaps I was going to make something of myself and get some of those great high school memories that people keep on talking about...Little did I know that my next memory would be one of suspension and social exclusion...
My locker was on the 2nd floor, near the back of the school, and coincidentally only 3 down from the Urchin...I made my way to my locker and was about to pick up my lunch when BAM, I was shoved from behind into my locker...I turned around and saw him standing there with 2 of his flunkies flanking him on either side...the next few minutes seemed to last forever...him and his friends were laughing, calling me wuss...I didn't have anything to say or do with them, so I ignored them...it was then that they made their final mistake, you see one of the guys reached out, took my lunch box from me and threw it down the hall...now, no one takes my food, and I mean no one...the next few seconds are a blur, but I remember throwin one of them down the hall, breaking the nose of the second fellow and holding the Urchin by his shirt well off the ground...he was begging me to put him down, and all I could think of was how mean he was to me earlier...I started to slam his head over and over into his locker until eventually he started to cry...at this time, a couple of teachers had arrived and I was dragged away, down to the Principal's office...it took a few minutes before I came to the realization that I stood a good chance of being expelled from school on the very first day...that must have been a record...I was expelled or suspended, but I did have to make an apology to each of their families and was told to stay away from there...as for them, they were gone for the entire week, trying to heal up...
For the next week, things went slowly for me...my little rumble caused quite a stir and no one wanted to be seen next to me because they were afraid that when the Urchin and his posse returned, that revenge was in order...personally, I didn't care but I could see why I was avoided the entire week...I ate lunch in the library, went to class and as soon as school was done, boarded the school bus and went home...
When they finally returned, nothing happened...they went back to their obnoxious ways, picking on the socially awkward, making snide remarks...they even went back to insulting me, but as soon as I would stop in front of them, or look at them, they would stop right away and look away...I thought that my fighting them was the worse thing I could have ever done, but what I found out was that after standing up to them, people started seeing me in a different light...it wasn't long before I made my first friend and things started to get better for me...
High School life was pretty boring for me...I wasn't good enough for the Basketball or Volleyball team...I wasn't smart enough for the Chess or Debate team...I wasn't good looking enough to hang out with the good looking, smokers and I wasn't rich enough to own a car or spend my lunch time at the local mall, eating McDonalds...My existence was one of going to school and going home...I didn't fit in anywhere, even after being at this school for over 3 years...then I had a moment of clarity...
Up to this moment, I had resigned myself to a very lonely social life...so, at the beginning of my 3rd year, I decided to take Semestered English, that way allowing me to fast track and be one year ahead in English...now, this idea wasn't based on my desire to learn or to grow intellectually...the way I figured it, I fast track English, and then next year, I can be in Michelle Kao's class the next year...who knows, maybe by then she would see me in a different light and perhaps we would have our kodak moment...hey, it was a long shot, but at least for the first time in my life, I decided to take control of something and go for broke...
When I walked into my English class, I nearly stopped dead in my tracks for sitting in my class was the hottest girl in my class year...if I had to write a list of the top 3 hottest ladies in all the school, it would have went 1) Michelle Kao, 2) Rachel Leung and 3) Somebody else...why Rachel Leung decided to take the Semestered English was beyond me, but I didn't care...all I cared about was that for the next year, I was going to be sitting next to a woman who could have easily been a model...I settled myself down and was about to sit next to her when she looked up and called out to a male friend of hers...he scootched into the room and sat right next to her...oh well, at least she was in my class...
I thought that I was on the right path, that perhaps I was going to make something of myself and get some of those great high school memories that people keep on talking about...Little did I know that my next memory would be one of suspension and social exclusion...
My life at the beginning...Chapter II: My first glimpse of my Unicorn!!!
Let me start of by saying that I hated High School...
It was an awkward time for me and I was very unhappy with myself...all of my friends were at a different school, and I was basically alone, in a new place treading alone in the deep waters...I can remember my first day of school because it was filled with 2 firsts: the first sighting of my Unicorn and my first fight and visit to the Principals office...where to begin?
I went to Dr Norman Bethune CI, which was a pretty good school because at the time it was considered a pretty good place for the sciences and since that was my major of choice for university, it seemed to make sense...of course, on my first day, all of those ideas didn't mean anything to me because I was alone, had no friends and was completely lost...our school wasn't huge, but that didn't stop me from not knowing where my first class was...I was walking down a hall, very late for my class when I decided to stop and just ask the first person I saw to help me...forget about being cool, forget about being macho, I was lost and I had no other choice...so I waited...and waited...and waited some more...about 10min after I decided to ask for assistance, I heard the door open and there she was; my Unicorn....
Now, I've used the term "Unicorn" before when describing my goddess, and you are probably wondering why?...well, in mythology, the Unicorn was a magical animal, rarely seen and never touched...the Unicorn is the abodiment of perfection, the best qualities all wrapped up into one beautiful body...getting back to my story, I turned around and in walked a young lady...she was about 5'3" maybe 5'4", and above all things it was her smile that got me...in fact, her smile is my first memory of high school...it was one of those smiles, which made you feel very happy and confident at the same time...there was even a hint of develishness in it, maybe thats why I've always loved those little naughty smiles...her hair was short, cropped to just below her ears and her face was almond shaped...her skin was like the smoothest alabaister and she was wearing a little red riding hood red jacket with a black Club Monaco bag...her name: Michelle Kao...do you hear that?...I swear I thought I heard the sounds of trumpets and Angelic singing...hmmm, must be in my head...
"Can I help you?"
Four simple, yet magically sounding words floated towards me...and can you guess my response?...silence...I was speechless...never in my limited life had a beautiful woman spoken to me, let alone a true example of perfection...
"Can I help you?"
There it was again...dude, you've gotta speak up now or else she'll think your mentally handicapped or worse, American...
"Uh yes, I'm lost...perhaps you can help me find room A110?"
"Oh yeah, its just down the hall on your left"...man was she hot...
"Thanks...are you in my class?"...I had every single finger, toe crossed hoping that the gods would be smiling upon me...
"No, I took that class last year"...oh crap, she was older then me...that means she wouldn't be in a single one of my classes...
"Thank you, my goddess...allow me to prostrate myself before you in the hopes of receiving the smallest of favors from your benevolent hand"...okay, everything after 'thank you' was what I was thinking, but I did want to say it...
So, I went to class, got introduced to everyone and immediately regretted it...I was seated at the back, next to who I would affectionately call 'the Urchin'...he was an angry person, the type of guy who had a huge chip on his shoulder, was the resident pot dealer, thought he was cool shit with his little pot smoking posse, and I guess he was bored with class and decided to pick on the next person to walk into the class...so, I was the lucky winner and he proceeded to aggravate me as best he could...he would throw paper at my head, yell insults at me, and question my sexuality...I ignored him and said to myself "dude, this is the first day, it can't possibly get any worse"...little did I know that I could and would...
It was an awkward time for me and I was very unhappy with myself...all of my friends were at a different school, and I was basically alone, in a new place treading alone in the deep waters...I can remember my first day of school because it was filled with 2 firsts: the first sighting of my Unicorn and my first fight and visit to the Principals office...where to begin?
I went to Dr Norman Bethune CI, which was a pretty good school because at the time it was considered a pretty good place for the sciences and since that was my major of choice for university, it seemed to make sense...of course, on my first day, all of those ideas didn't mean anything to me because I was alone, had no friends and was completely lost...our school wasn't huge, but that didn't stop me from not knowing where my first class was...I was walking down a hall, very late for my class when I decided to stop and just ask the first person I saw to help me...forget about being cool, forget about being macho, I was lost and I had no other choice...so I waited...and waited...and waited some more...about 10min after I decided to ask for assistance, I heard the door open and there she was; my Unicorn....
Now, I've used the term "Unicorn" before when describing my goddess, and you are probably wondering why?...well, in mythology, the Unicorn was a magical animal, rarely seen and never touched...the Unicorn is the abodiment of perfection, the best qualities all wrapped up into one beautiful body...getting back to my story, I turned around and in walked a young lady...she was about 5'3" maybe 5'4", and above all things it was her smile that got me...in fact, her smile is my first memory of high school...it was one of those smiles, which made you feel very happy and confident at the same time...there was even a hint of develishness in it, maybe thats why I've always loved those little naughty smiles...her hair was short, cropped to just below her ears and her face was almond shaped...her skin was like the smoothest alabaister and she was wearing a little red riding hood red jacket with a black Club Monaco bag...her name: Michelle Kao...do you hear that?...I swear I thought I heard the sounds of trumpets and Angelic singing...hmmm, must be in my head...
"Can I help you?"
Four simple, yet magically sounding words floated towards me...and can you guess my response?...silence...I was speechless...never in my limited life had a beautiful woman spoken to me, let alone a true example of perfection...
"Can I help you?"
There it was again...dude, you've gotta speak up now or else she'll think your mentally handicapped or worse, American...
"Uh yes, I'm lost...perhaps you can help me find room A110?"
"Oh yeah, its just down the hall on your left"...man was she hot...
"Thanks...are you in my class?"...I had every single finger, toe crossed hoping that the gods would be smiling upon me...
"No, I took that class last year"...oh crap, she was older then me...that means she wouldn't be in a single one of my classes...
"Thank you, my goddess...allow me to prostrate myself before you in the hopes of receiving the smallest of favors from your benevolent hand"...okay, everything after 'thank you' was what I was thinking, but I did want to say it...
So, I went to class, got introduced to everyone and immediately regretted it...I was seated at the back, next to who I would affectionately call 'the Urchin'...he was an angry person, the type of guy who had a huge chip on his shoulder, was the resident pot dealer, thought he was cool shit with his little pot smoking posse, and I guess he was bored with class and decided to pick on the next person to walk into the class...so, I was the lucky winner and he proceeded to aggravate me as best he could...he would throw paper at my head, yell insults at me, and question my sexuality...I ignored him and said to myself "dude, this is the first day, it can't possibly get any worse"...little did I know that I could and would...
My Life at the Beginning...Chapter I: Who am I?
I think the perfect place to begin is to describe myself and that way when I get into the really messed up parts of my life, the stuff that no one knows about, you won't think that I'm some kind of freak but more of a innocent victim of circumstance...
I'm first and foremost a family person...not to say I have a wife or child, but my immediate and extended family are my life...I'm fortunate enough to be part of a family that can be called a clan, hell we have enough people and professions in my family that we could start our own little country and be pretty well off...I don't know many people outside of Utah that can make such a boast, and while other people may consider our size and diversity a hinderance, I have found a strength and peace that can only come with the knowledge that wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I will always be near family...
I guess what I'm best known for, other then my Hobbit good looks, is my love for movies and all things 'geek'...well, before this turns off most women, allow me to say that I have no love for anything FOB, I hate bubbletea, anything with the words "dance dance revolution" in it and the TV show "The View"...what I do like is the traditional testosterone male oriented subjects... except for Politics, and Business, and World Issues...okay, i'm only partially interested in World Issues, but that is because most of it is political in nature and then I get irritated, wish the world was a simpler place and then I change the channel...
I was born in Woodstock, Ontario where my family and 3 other Chinese families constituted the entire Asian population...and funny enough, I think we were related to them and so it was kind of weird...in any case, my family was there for about 2 years before we moved to the wonderful of Scarborough...I have no recollection of Woodstock, and when people ask me, I always say that the Borough of Scar is my hometown...we lived initially in an apartment at Kingston Rd and Eglinton...my only memories of that apartment is riding my bicycle, training wheels on, up down the hallway and feeding my best friend, Tommy the Bear, as many french fries and green peas as possible...we were there for a year or two before moving to what I consider home, Brimley and Steeles...
It is here that I have the best of memories...I lived close to my grandparents and to my cousins...I had a great time in Elementary school, I went to a school called Banting and Best Public School, which was named after the discoverers of Insulin and its use in the control of Diabetes...The school was located next to a little shopping complex that, when you were younger, had everything you needed...a Max convenient store for your slurpies and sugar fix, a fast food eatery for your weekly fix of burgers and fries and a hair salon that had a super hot secretary who had a habit of bending over to get files (I think the boss put the needed things on the bottom shelves just so she would have to bend over to get them)...School was good for me...I did decent to very well in most of my subjects, with the major exception being French...I got to be part of the school's volleyball team, where only the coolest guys got to play on...I never played, but I was there just in case somebody didn't show up or was too injured to play....I remember our grade 8 teacher was about 5'3" but had the largest chest and most awesome cleavage a puberty driven young male could ask for...I had my first love at that time...Corinne Wong...that is name I haven't said outloud in almost 10 years...she was what you would call the cute, studious type...she wore round glasses, had very naturally curly hair for a chinese girl...she was an artist, and loved to draw and paint...when I close my eyes and try to envision her face, all I see is her smile...it is by far the most simple yet expressive smile I've ever had the pleasure of viewing...it was one of those things, that when you were lucky enough to make her smile, you knew that your day was complete...I was so smitten by her, that instead of using my savings on new bike I always wanted, I instead went on the graduation camping trip, where I got to spend a total of 5 min with her, as she was constently surrounded by her female friends and I was one of 3 guys who went...she was special though...for graduation, we went to Cullen Gardens which is where the famous Market Village is right now...we danced the night away, and our last song was "Water from the Moon" by Celine Dion...that would be the last time I'd ever see her again...to this day, I have no idea what happened to her...she just disappeared, she never returned my calls and when I went to her home, she was never there...the only thing I have of hers is a little wooden name marker she made for me when we graduated...I still have it, I keep it on me as a reminder of the good times...I have 2 pictures of graduation, and there is one pic that has us lined up against a wall, awaiting our group photo...and there I am, waiting patiently looking to my righ, in the hopes of seeing her, and there she is looking to her left, at me...the only bad memory I have of Banting and Best was being suspended for a crime that I did commit...sorry, I wish I could say I was innocent, but not this time...when all my friends went to Albert Campbell for high school, I went to Dr Norman Bethune CI, partly because I was being punished for my suspension, partly because it was a free school bus ride, but more importantly because it was 'supposed to be a better school'...I don't know about that, but it is there where my life began to take on a new meaning...it was a time of discovery, another suspension (although this time I was totally innocent but got screwed over) a firm resolution and the time of my Unicorn...
But I'll save that for later....
I'm first and foremost a family person...not to say I have a wife or child, but my immediate and extended family are my life...I'm fortunate enough to be part of a family that can be called a clan, hell we have enough people and professions in my family that we could start our own little country and be pretty well off...I don't know many people outside of Utah that can make such a boast, and while other people may consider our size and diversity a hinderance, I have found a strength and peace that can only come with the knowledge that wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I will always be near family...
I guess what I'm best known for, other then my Hobbit good looks, is my love for movies and all things 'geek'...well, before this turns off most women, allow me to say that I have no love for anything FOB, I hate bubbletea, anything with the words "dance dance revolution" in it and the TV show "The View"...what I do like is the traditional testosterone male oriented subjects... except for Politics, and Business, and World Issues...okay, i'm only partially interested in World Issues, but that is because most of it is political in nature and then I get irritated, wish the world was a simpler place and then I change the channel...
I was born in Woodstock, Ontario where my family and 3 other Chinese families constituted the entire Asian population...and funny enough, I think we were related to them and so it was kind of weird...in any case, my family was there for about 2 years before we moved to the wonderful of Scarborough...I have no recollection of Woodstock, and when people ask me, I always say that the Borough of Scar is my hometown...we lived initially in an apartment at Kingston Rd and Eglinton...my only memories of that apartment is riding my bicycle, training wheels on, up down the hallway and feeding my best friend, Tommy the Bear, as many french fries and green peas as possible...we were there for a year or two before moving to what I consider home, Brimley and Steeles...
It is here that I have the best of memories...I lived close to my grandparents and to my cousins...I had a great time in Elementary school, I went to a school called Banting and Best Public School, which was named after the discoverers of Insulin and its use in the control of Diabetes...The school was located next to a little shopping complex that, when you were younger, had everything you needed...a Max convenient store for your slurpies and sugar fix, a fast food eatery for your weekly fix of burgers and fries and a hair salon that had a super hot secretary who had a habit of bending over to get files (I think the boss put the needed things on the bottom shelves just so she would have to bend over to get them)...School was good for me...I did decent to very well in most of my subjects, with the major exception being French...I got to be part of the school's volleyball team, where only the coolest guys got to play on...I never played, but I was there just in case somebody didn't show up or was too injured to play....I remember our grade 8 teacher was about 5'3" but had the largest chest and most awesome cleavage a puberty driven young male could ask for...I had my first love at that time...Corinne Wong...that is name I haven't said outloud in almost 10 years...she was what you would call the cute, studious type...she wore round glasses, had very naturally curly hair for a chinese girl...she was an artist, and loved to draw and paint...when I close my eyes and try to envision her face, all I see is her smile...it is by far the most simple yet expressive smile I've ever had the pleasure of viewing...it was one of those things, that when you were lucky enough to make her smile, you knew that your day was complete...I was so smitten by her, that instead of using my savings on new bike I always wanted, I instead went on the graduation camping trip, where I got to spend a total of 5 min with her, as she was constently surrounded by her female friends and I was one of 3 guys who went...she was special though...for graduation, we went to Cullen Gardens which is where the famous Market Village is right now...we danced the night away, and our last song was "Water from the Moon" by Celine Dion...that would be the last time I'd ever see her again...to this day, I have no idea what happened to her...she just disappeared, she never returned my calls and when I went to her home, she was never there...the only thing I have of hers is a little wooden name marker she made for me when we graduated...I still have it, I keep it on me as a reminder of the good times...I have 2 pictures of graduation, and there is one pic that has us lined up against a wall, awaiting our group photo...and there I am, waiting patiently looking to my righ, in the hopes of seeing her, and there she is looking to her left, at me...the only bad memory I have of Banting and Best was being suspended for a crime that I did commit...sorry, I wish I could say I was innocent, but not this time...when all my friends went to Albert Campbell for high school, I went to Dr Norman Bethune CI, partly because I was being punished for my suspension, partly because it was a free school bus ride, but more importantly because it was 'supposed to be a better school'...I don't know about that, but it is there where my life began to take on a new meaning...it was a time of discovery, another suspension (although this time I was totally innocent but got screwed over) a firm resolution and the time of my Unicorn...
But I'll save that for later....
The Beginning of the End
This is definitely not something I'd ever imagine myself doing...
In fact, at this present moment, I'm kinda wondering why I've decided to do a Blog at all...my friend, the Plaidman himself, suggested that I do this as a kind of a therapy to perhaps help me during a particularly difficult time in my life...personally, I think he just didn't want me to rant to him anymore and was glad that I found another outlet....
I'm not a writer...my grammar is horrible, my punctuation skills are non-existent, and I have the vocabulary of a 7 year old holding a Thesaurus...wait, that's not right because my baby cousin Luke is 7 and he is already smarter then I...
I think I was partly motivated to do this Blog after reading a book by the Hardcore Legend himself...in one of his autobiographies, he says that he was not a writer himself but felt that when it comes to writing the truth and whats on your mind, you don't need a degree to do it...thats good because a York University degree pretty much qualifies me for head Fry cook at the local McDonalds...
I have a lot of things on my mind...I'm a man who thinks too much about the useless things and not enough about the important stuff...in the past few months, I've gone through a lot of changes, both good and bad, and I think putting it down on the proverbial paper may actually be good for me...I actually don't know where to start, but one thing is for sure: by the time I'm done writing, and you are done reading, we'll both have spent a lot of time getting to know each other better...
So lets start...roll out the red carpet, put the coffee on, open the blinds and let the sunlight in because its time to let go of my demons...
In fact, at this present moment, I'm kinda wondering why I've decided to do a Blog at all...my friend, the Plaidman himself, suggested that I do this as a kind of a therapy to perhaps help me during a particularly difficult time in my life...personally, I think he just didn't want me to rant to him anymore and was glad that I found another outlet....
I'm not a writer...my grammar is horrible, my punctuation skills are non-existent, and I have the vocabulary of a 7 year old holding a Thesaurus...wait, that's not right because my baby cousin Luke is 7 and he is already smarter then I...
I think I was partly motivated to do this Blog after reading a book by the Hardcore Legend himself...in one of his autobiographies, he says that he was not a writer himself but felt that when it comes to writing the truth and whats on your mind, you don't need a degree to do it...thats good because a York University degree pretty much qualifies me for head Fry cook at the local McDonalds...
I have a lot of things on my mind...I'm a man who thinks too much about the useless things and not enough about the important stuff...in the past few months, I've gone through a lot of changes, both good and bad, and I think putting it down on the proverbial paper may actually be good for me...I actually don't know where to start, but one thing is for sure: by the time I'm done writing, and you are done reading, we'll both have spent a lot of time getting to know each other better...
So lets start...roll out the red carpet, put the coffee on, open the blinds and let the sunlight in because its time to let go of my demons...
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